There is a sentence in the original book of "Heart Residence":
"Many of life's problems are illusory. Love is illusory, marriage is real. ”
Love is the wind, flowers, snow, moon, stars and the sea; marriage is chai rice oil and salt, three meals a day. Even if the love is beautiful, it must return to reality and implement it into real life.
As Sanmao said: "Love, if it is not implemented in the real life of dressing, eating, counting money, and sleeping, is not easy to last forever." ”
Chai rice oil and salt, dressing and eating, real life is inseparable from money. How to reach an agreement on the issue of money is what both husband and wife need to face together, and it is also the key to whether the marriage can be happy and harmonious.
At present, there is a marriage model called "AA marriage".
The original intention of AA marriage is to reduce the disputes between husband and wife in terms of money, to achieve equality and independence between husband and wife, so that the feelings of husband and wife are more harmonious and the marriage is happier.
However, the equality between husband and wife is not only about monetary reciprocity, but also about taking responsibility, emotional commitment, and reciprocity giving and taking.
If you only calculate the financial account, it is unfair to women. Because women's contributions to marriage and family are often not measured in money. For example, pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding and child-rearing, housework, etc.
Not to mention the hidden costs, such as the opportunity cost of women losing their careers because of childbirth, as well as the risks of postpartum depression, physical attrition, and childbirth.
Professor Xue Zhaofeng also said in "Strange Story" that women's efforts in the early stages of marriage far exceed men.
If a man only proposes the AA system after marriage out of selfishness, such an act is a kind of oppression for women; for marriage, it is a kind of harm, and it must not be condoned.
01. Late marriage at an older age
Netizen Xie Shan (pseudonym) the current marriage is also an AA marriage, and the husband first proposed it.
She and her husband Cheng Tao (pseudonym) are people from different cities in the same province, and they both chose to stay in the provincial city to work after graduating from college. The two belong to the older and late marriage, and only met through blind dates in their 30s and came together.
Due to her age, she and Cheng Tao have known each other for more than half a year and entered into marriage, and the emotional foundation of the two is indeed not deep enough, but the conditions in all aspects are very suitable.
Xie Shan is a regular college graduate, working in the system, monthly salary of about 7,000 yuan, five social insurance, one gold and thirteen salaries, working 8 hours a day, with two days off, enjoying national statutory holidays.
Cheng Tao's education is comparable to her, working in a private company, the work intensity is large, the welfare treatment is not as good as her, but the income is higher than her, and the annual salary is about 150,000.
After marriage, the two temporarily lived in the apartment rented by Cheng Tao. It wasn't until half a year later, when she was pregnant, that the couple made up their minds to buy a house.
Cheng Tao's family is generally poor, when buying a house, the family only made up 400,000 yuan, fortunately, Xie Shan's parents took 150,000 yuan before handing over the down payment. Then the two took out their respective deposits, simply renovated the house, and purchased the necessary furniture and appliances.
Cheng Tao's income is higher than her, and he is usually very frugal, so he has more savings than her. In terms of decoration and purchase of furniture and home appliances, she also paid more money than her.
The two were financially independent before, and after moving to a new house, she asked Cheng Tao to pay her salary in preparation for having children.
But Cheng Tao was reluctant, saying that she usually spent a lot of money, and the money was not assured for her to keep. In the communication, Cheng Tao also mentioned many times that she paid more than her in the down payment and decoration of the house.
She didn't think so. She felt that men who married and started a family should have paid more in terms of money and material things than women. However, Cheng Tao has always been grumpy.
Later, the matter of letting Cheng Tao pay his salary was not resolved.
02. The husband mentions the AA system after marriage
It wasn't long before the baby was born. After the maternity leave, the mother-in-law followed her and the child to live in the provincial city together, helping to buy vegetables and cook, and take the children.
At that time, she bought a lot of children's milk powder, diapers, clothes and other items online, spent a lot of money, and asked Cheng Tao to take the money out.
At this time, Cheng Tao proposed the AA system to her.
After Xie Shan graduated from college, she became financially independent, and Cheng Tao's appearance of picking the rope made her very impatient, and she agreed without much thought.
The AA system is actually very simple to implement.
The largest monthly expenditure of the family is the mortgage, which is shared equally between the two sides; the children's expenses are also shared equally between the two parties; the living expenses are mainly the responsibility of the mother-in-law, and the two take 2,000 yuan each to the mother-in-law.
Then, the two of them are responsible for their own expenses.
Originally, after the implementation of the AA system, she felt that it was not bad, and she was quite free to spend money, but a few months later, Cheng Tao made a difference.
Cheng Tao said that her mother-in-law came from afar to help, and she was taking a baby, buying vegetables to cook, doing housework, not only hard, but sometimes she had to paste money in it.
Cheng Tao plans to give another 1500 yuan to his mother-in-law.
03. A family of 4 7000 living expenses
Xie Shan was reluctant. If you take another 1500 yuan to your mother-in-law, plus the money you gave before, won't you have to give your mother-in-law 7,000 yuan every month?
The living expenses of a family of four of 7,000 yuan are too luxurious. Cheng Tao said: "The money saved is my mother's salary." ”
She refused on the spot. If she takes another 1500 yuan, her salary will be gone.
She can completely let the mother come to help with the child, the mother has also retired, if she comes to help, do not spend a penny, but also avoid the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
For this matter, the two quarreled. In the dispute, Cheng Tao once again mentioned that she paid more than she did in terms of down payment and decoration of the house.
She was immediately angry and said, "Okay, you must be clearly divided, I can make up for the down payment and decoration money to you, but in the future, everything in the family will also be shared equally." ”
Xie Shan said that when she returns from work, she will talk to her children, play games, take a bath, touch, coax her to sleep, and get up in the middle of the night to feed and change diapers.
The child gets a preventive injection, goes to the hospital when he is sick, and takes turns to take leave to accompany him.
There are also family meals also to be shared equally, I lose weight, do not eat meat every day only eat 3 meals, do not drink tea and do not drink, who eat more and pay more.
If your parents want to move in together in the future, I will let my parents move in, and I have paid half the money for this house, why can your parents live, but my parents can't live?
04. Penny distraction
Cheng Tao couldn't listen to it anymore, saying that she was simply making trouble for no reason.
Xie Shan continued: "Then you will pay me back the money I gave before, this house belongs to you, I will buy a house myself, repay the loan myself, and then we will take turns living in two houses." ”
Cheng Tao didn't speak at all, and he no longer mentioned that he had let her pay 1500 yuan.
There is a saying on the Internet that says:
"Where a man's money is, the heart is there, and the division of money between husband and wife will inevitably lead to distraction."
Xie Shan gradually found that since the AA system, the relationship between her and Cheng Tao has become a lot of estrangement, the emotional foundation is not deep enough, and the dependence and trust that are hard to establish are now more and more fragile.
She didn't know how long the AA life between the two could last, and she didn't know whether she should continue.
Regarding AA marriage, a writer once said:
"For the vast majority of ordinary people, marriage is about getting emotional and financial support, and living in an AA system means that you can't get the other person's financial support in your marriage."
The other party refuses to provide financial support, not because he can't, but because he doesn't want to.
This means that the other party's emotional support is also greatly reduced. What is the point of a marriage that provides you with neither emotional nor financial support? ”
What is the meaning of marriage?
In "The First Half of My Life", He Han once said: "What is marriage, is it not that life is not easy, do you want to find a teammate to help each other?" ”
The meaning of marriage is nothing more than to resist risks, seek warmth, support each other financially, give to each other emotionally, and bear each other in life.
The AA system is well-intentioned, but the result is often a distraction. Finally, marriage is beyond recognition.
Would you rather choose an AA marriage?
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