Recently, due to the epidemic in Xi'an, everyone has not been able to go out of the community for 20 days. During the twenty days of living together with her husband, her friend Xiaoqin clashed over trivial matters. In the WeChat group, she told several friends that they would go to divorce when the epidemic was over. When we asked why, we realized that it wasn't a big deal at all.
Xiaoqin is 52 years old. Retired at the age of 50, he has been helping his son with his children for the past two years. During the epidemic, due to the sudden blockade of the community, the grandson who had just been in kindergarten for a few months stayed with her, and her husband, who usually went to work, also returned home, and the two people clashed fiercely in twenty days of seamless contact.
The husband thinks that the children are noisy, and every day he shuts himself in the study, surfs the Internet, watches TV series, and plays games. The house was littered with her husband's dirty clothes and dirty socks. Even after he took a shower, he didn't know how to mop the floor of the bathroom and pile up the used towels haphazardly on the wash stand. Xiaoqin has to cook and wash dishes every day, clean the room that is messed up by the little grandson, and keep an eye on the little grandson who is not quiet for a moment. The husband, on the other hand, is only responsible for eating at the point.
Xiaoqin hated iron and steel and said her husband many times, but these words came to her husband, all of them were left ear in, right ear out, what he should do, what to do, which made Xiaoqin very angry. In the past, he didn't work, but most of the time he was in the unit, he had less time to meet, and he didn't care too much. Now, every day together, when she saw him, she was angry.
A few days ago, at the dinner table, my husband said that the dishes she made were somewhat salty. Who knows, a sentence became the fuse, she was angry from the heart, quarreled with him, and proposed divorce. She wanted to scare her husband in this way and make him change his behavior. Who knows that the husband dropped the chopsticks and said: Leave away, who is afraid of whom.
Xiaoqin did not expect her husband to have such a reaction, which was completely unexpected by her. Today, the two men have been fighting each other for several days, and neither of them speaks. She stayed in such a home and felt like a year.
In the WeChat group, Xiaoqin told us: "I have lacked love since I was a child. When I was a child, my parents used to accuse me of not understanding things, saying that if I could become cute, they would love me more. I tried desperately in front of them, but in the end, I was disappointed. After getting married, I hoped to get the love I had always wanted from my husband, but I was disappointed. She sighed, "Why is my life so bitter?" “
Xiaoqin's encounter reminds me of a passage in the book "Saying Yes to Life": If a person often gets negative evaluations of him by his parents or authoritative people around him when he is a child, this concept will be implanted in the unconscious, making you think that you are not doing well enough. When you grow up, it's hard to believe in yourself and you can't trust others.
Xiaoqin has not received unconditional love from her parents since she was a child. After marriage, in the relationship with her husband, I hope to gain the love and attention from my husband through my own efforts. Over the years, she took on all the housework, thinking that she would exchange it for what she wanted, but in the end, she did not feel this from her husband. She accused her husband of not doing housework, in fact, in her heart, all she wanted was his attention and recognition of himself.
In fact, many things that happen in this world are not right or wrong, but people artificially give it a certain definition. In the eyes of a person who has lacked love since childhood, when there is a problem in marriage, the interpretation of the other half's behavior will often preconceived that he is not good enough, not worthy of his love, and the other party does not pay attention. Such a feeling would make her angry.
Xiaoqin's anger is not so much because of her husband's inaction as it is from the hurt she suffered in her childhood. It's just that her husband's behavior is a trigger that triggers the pain in her heart that has been well hidden. And these sufferings, which are originally their own, have nothing to do with others.
In fact, when some of the other party's behavior makes us dissatisfied, learning to be angry, not impulsive, not condemning, is the basis for maintaining marital harmony. The other party's behavior may be the cause of his unconsciousness, or it may be caused by his growing environment and has nothing to do with you. Thinking that the other party does not pay enough attention to you is just the inner lack of love, the projection of external things.
When people are young, they often lack something, and when they grow up, the more they desire to get something, which is caused by the lack of inner feelings. So, in the face of contradictions in marriage, how can we let things be resolved without affecting the feelings of both parties?
The first is to learn to introspect and truly face the trauma of the past in the heart
When there is a conflict between the two sides, the most important thing to do at this time is to start introspecting. Introspection is the process of reviewing our inner thoughts and feelings, in order to make us know more about ourselves, find out the root cause of negative emotions, and try to interpret it. Sometimes, there are very strong negative emotions, most likely because we have not been heard or valued since childhood, or because we lack of security, or simply because of a lack of love. After understanding this, you will not have such strong negative emotions towards your partner, and thus, you will try to adjust your words and deeds.
The second is to reveal your heart and sincerely share your inner feelings with your partner
Once you've recognized the root cause of your anger, the next thing to do is share your true feelings with your significant other, express the emotions you're experiencing inside, and let him understand you. Remember, don't blame the other person, don't have the slightest complaint and blame for the other party. If you can really be honest with yourself, expose your weaknesses to the other person. You will feel that the attitude of the other half towards you will also change subtly, and there is a tacit understanding and trust that spreads among you, making you more harmonious. The contradictions that often occur between husband and wife are caused by not understanding each other and poor communication.
When her husband said that Xiaoqin's dishes were salty, it aroused Xiaoqin's anger, and she did not hesitate to threaten him with words like divorce. People often unconsciously defend themselves after being attacked, and few people can think calmly. Then, at this time, the other party is most likely to use the same language to hit back at each other, which will make the distance between the two people more and more distant.
The writer Onandeau once said: The first step in starting a healthy relationship is to admit that these traumas are not someone else's responsibility. Yes, trauma may be triggered because of others, but the pain and fear that is provoked is our own.
We must learn to face the contradictions and pains in intimate relationships correctly. For everyone, from the moment the intimate relationship makes you miserable, it is the beginning of your self-knowledge, the opportunity for you to mature, the beginning of your liberation from the harm of your original family, the healing of yourself, and the beginning of your rejuvenation, and the journey that you must go through to become a soul mate.
As there is a passage in Intimate Relationships: No one will meet our needs, no one will make us happy, and no one will be responsible for our injuries. After searching around, we finally learn that the causes and effects of all our life experiences can only exist in one place—our hearts.
Therefore, sort out your mood and start again, you may have a full marriage and have a happy and happy life.