Author: Qinglan Jun
Source: Oleander Parents' Zone (ID: educool)
1. The child who wins puberty is on the side of him
If your child ran away from home and came back, what would you do when you saw the first time you saw your child?
Is it angry scolding? Or is it heartache for the child?
Some time ago, Mr. Hu's daughter did not come home after school, and the couple was too anxious to call the police.
Worried that the child will encounter an accident, the local police, the Blue Sky Rescue Team, the community and street workers, and the community owners are involved in the search.
Finally, the next evening, the child's clothes and school bags were found in a corridor in the community, and in the early morning of the 15th, the girl was found.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
Everyone is also hanging a heart, wasting a lot of manpower and material resources, how will parents scold their children?
But mr. and mrs. Hu's reaction was unexpected.
They think that there is no big deal, the child comes back, and then says that "the child has not slept well outside for a day or two nights, and wants the child to catch up on sleep first."
Is it because they spoil children? Not.
After the child returned home, the mother, Ms. Deng, analyzed the reasons why the child ran away from home:
"The teacher said a few words to the child, and also called the parents in front of the child, my child's self-esteem is relatively strong, and he feels that he can't make a difference to the parents, so he doesn't dare to go home."
"The child is in a period of rebellion, and he is not thinking about it, so he wants to escape."
Then the follow-up educational methods were also said:
"Wait until she calms down before communicating about it."
"We and the teacher are for the good of the child, not letting her take her mobile phone to school, but also for her own good." I hope that the child can understand that this is a thing that can be solved, and the key is to learn how to face it. ”
The father also said that he would not blame the child, and would communicate more with his daughter in the future to understand her heart.
After reading the whole incident, the parents' approach can be described as the best model for adolescent children.
Understand and care for the child, stand aside from the child in front of everyone, give him respect, and finally educate the child.
Under the premise of parental love and understanding, the education of adolescent children will be much smoother.
As Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, puts it:
From the age of ten or so, the best way for parents to win over their children is to stand with them first in a kind, firm, and respectful attitude.
2. To ruin a child's puberty is to be him
However, not all parents are like this.
A tragic family case was reported on the "Today's Statement" program.
Chen Xinran, a 16-year-old girl in Heilongjiang, abused her mother to death.
The case shocked the entire network.
Why a 16-year-old girl can do this to her mother, deeply investigate, can not be separated from the rebellion of adolescence, but also inseparable from the wrong way of coping with their parents.
In 2015, Chen gladly entered adolescence.
She became rebellious, cut off a long hair, left a boy's head; met friends outside the school, did not return home at night; studied more and more carelessly, and her grades slowly declined...
The parents were worried, so they followed their daughters, warned their friends, and told the parents of the children.
Chen Xinran felt uncomfortable, and in a fit of anger, ran away from home.
Fortunately, Chen was found by his parents and no accidents occurred.
However, Chen Xinran's parents still felt that the child needed discipline, and secretly found a college to reform the problematic children, and asked the three instructors of the school to forcibly take Chen Xinran away.
As soon as she got on the bus, an instructor kept slapping Chen Xinran, bleeding from the corners of her mouth and blindfolding her head.
She said she was also subjected to a lot of inhuman torture at school.
Not only militarized management, from 5:30 a.m. to get up, most of the time is to do physical activities, forced not to let people think more.
Standing and squatting for a long time, running non-stop, sitting on push-ups, not moving, and being beaten.
For everything in the college, Chen gladly felt only pain.
She also hated her parents even more.
Three months later, Chen Xinran found an opportunity to escape from school, and her parents immediately apologized after finding her this time, and promised not to send her back.
But a few days after returning home, her parents began the same discipline as before, monitoring everything about her.
You must not know that the psychology of adolescent children is very rebellious. The more you nag, the more rebellious the child becomes; the more you force him not to do it, the more he doesn't listen.
Chen Xinran had a fierce quarrel with his parents this time, and even lived separately.
A few days later, her mother went to see Chen Xinran, who was abused and died of respiratory and circulatory failure.
In the subsequent investigation, Chen Xinran's words made people feel distressed.
"I never thought the consequences would be so severe."
"All I want is for them (my parents) to respect me a little bit."
Cao Tinghun, deputy director of mental health at Beijing Normal University, said:
Adolescence is the "psychological weaning period" of children, they want their problems to be solved by themselves, if the parents are roughly coerced or indifferent, it will cause them to "rebel".
But at the same time, they crave love and understanding in their hearts, and if parents impose their personal will on their children, it will cause them to have strong rebellious feelings.
Chen Xinran is, under the violent impact of adolescence and the strong attitude of his parents, he has committed excessive behavior, resulting in a tragic consequence.
3. Smoothly pass through puberty first understand the three psychological characteristics of puberty
The writer Mai Jia said:
Accompanying an adolescent child is like accompanying a tiger.
Why are adolescent children so rebellious, throwing tantrums at every turn, running away from home, and even hurting themselves and others?
In addition to being affected by dopamine, emotions and behaviors are easily impulsive, adolescent children will also have these three psychological characteristics. Knowing this, parents can stand on the side of their children and win their children with respect and understanding.
- Teenagers are more likely to commit "secondary two diseases" and like to be different
"Secondary second disease" was first used as a metaphor for the strange words and deeds of adolescent children in the second grade of junior high school, such as being too self-righteous, just like the "second grade phenomenon" in psychology.
That is, in the second grade, children are prone to self-righteousness, like to talk back to adults, and like to use innovative behavior to show that they are different.
For example, some children will try to cut their hair short, dye their hair, and even get a tattoo when they reach adolescence, thinking that this is cool.
As a parent, if the child's grotesque behavior does not affect daily life and learning, just go with the flow, endure puberty, and the child will become "normal".
- Teens are more prone to addiction
Adolescent children are more likely to try fresh experiences because the "dopamine" produced stimulates the brain and feels happy. And this kind of happy behavior children tend to cycle continuously until they become addicted.
It's like a game.
According to a group of holiday game statistics surveys, the vast majority of users of the two mobile games 'Glory of kings' and 'Peace Elite' are teenagers.
- Teenagers develop "hyper-rational" thinking
It refers to the fact that teenagers think very rigidly and realistically, and can't see the big picture.
Hyper-rational thinking is different from impulsivity, many impulsive behaviors do not think much, and "super-rational thinking" will think or reflect, but will underestimate the importance of negative results, amplify the importance of positive results.
Like Chen Xinran, she thought that if she did not give food to her mother, she would lose her strength, and if she rebelled against her parents, she would be respected by her parents and let her parents realize their mistakes; but ignoring the extreme means would lead to the death of her mother.
Therefore, do not be tough with adolescent children, their behavior is not rational enough, if not impulsive.
4. Adolescent children rebel not from their parents but from their wrong parenting styles
Someone once said that the best way to face adolescent children is to shut up.
In fact, if you don't know how to do it, it's better not to do it than to make a mistake. If you must guide the adolescent child, it is recommended that parents be gentle, and with the right method, the child will also become gentle.
- Understand the child, solve the problem and retreat
Adolescent children rebel, if parents do not try to understand the child's inner struggle, direct scolding, parent-child relationship is easy to become rigid in the process of "hard to hard".
In recent years, many adolescent children have committed suicide tragedies, and some people say that the child's psychology is too fragile, and it must not be known that if the parents take a step back, the child will not move forward.
The child in the class hallway who was scolded and slapped by his mother jumped off the building, but the child who ran away from home and was found took off his coat to put on came home.
This is the difference between further and further steps back.
In the face of adolescent children, you may wish to take a step back. Stand aside with them first, and let the child get a sense of self-esteem and belonging in the support of being understood.
- Respect the child, discuss more and order less
The most important thing about adolescent children is respect.
Children in this period have a strong sense of self, they want freedom, they long for independence, and if their parents are still as commanding as they were in childhood, tragedies can easily occur.
Deng Chao has been fighting and screwing with his parents since he was adolescence, but his father has been catching him, "Do what you like to do." ”
When faced with such a major matter as the college entrance examination, Deng Chao felt that reading was useful, and his father knew that reading was useful, but he did not force him.
Instead, step by step, they coaxed, discussed, and said, "You try." Finally, he guided Deng Chao to be admitted to the Chinese opera.
Communicate with adolescent children in the way of adults, and adolescents will also have a soft landing and a solution.
- Pay attention to the child and understand his innermost feelings and emotions
The child's behavior is not without reason, there must be inducements and emotions. Adolescent children are even more so.
In the "After School" program, there was once a girl whose parents were very rebellious.
Her mother accompanied her with her homework, and she was very upset.
Her parents wanted to care about her, talk to her about their hearts, and ask if it was good to have a family meeting after dinner, and she refused: waste of time, waste of life, waste of money!
In getting along with her parents everywhere, girls reveal impatience.
But the program team dug deeper and found that parents never gave their children enough personal space and freedom.
The mother comes and goes in and out of the child's room at will and frequently, watching what the child does, even in meetings, blaming the child.
As Gordon, the founder of Parental Effectiveness, once said:
Adolescent children are not rebellious parents, in fact, they love their parents deeply, and they rebel against their parents' wrong parenting methods.
Seeing a child's needs, understanding his feelings, and accepting their emotions is the right thing for adolescent parents.
Writer Liu Na once shared this passage with parents of adolescence:
Thank you and willing to be my child.
I believe in you as I believe in myself.
I respect you because you can be yourself.
I chose to side with you because your problems are our common ones.
The road to adolescence is a long way off, but with the love and trust, respect and understanding of parents, the road will become smoother.
This road will always come to an end, towards a happier next stop.
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