The phenomenon of "14 years old" in adolescence, which can be smoothly passed!

"Jingjing, rest tomorrow weekend and go to Grandma's house for dinner!" Don't go. "Why?" Didn't you go back to visit your grandparents every month? Honor your elders. "Filial piety you can do it, I will not go!" Jingjing, who has just entered the second year of junior high school, has recently caused her parents a headache, and she is no longer the obedient and well-behaved child she used to be, but has gone to another opposite.

It is understood that the Pediatric Psychology Department of Hunan Provincial Brain Hospital (Hunan Second People's Hospital) has received many cases of students like Jingjing. Most of them are around the age of 14, and they no longer accept the criticism of their parents with an open mind, and begin to refute and resist; The more parents and teachers do not let them do things, the more energetic they are, and they must "do it against" their parents; They are sensitive, vulnerable, and unwilling to talk to their parents, and their academic performance has declined seriously... This is what we often call the "14-year-old phenomenon".

At the same time, children have various troubles in adolescence, parents feel very anxious in the face of their children, and do not know how to face, understand and communicate, parents and children fall into a "stalemate" state that is difficult to deal with. How to get through this special period smoothly?

A 14 years old is a dangerous period but also the best time to shape

A study conducted by British scientists has confirmed that the age at which teenagers are most likely to fight, rebel and learn bad is 14 years old. British researchers conducted a survey of male participants aged 9 to 35, and the subjects were asked to play computer games; By recording how satisfied or disappointed participants were with the outcome of the game, the scientists analyzed each of them' emotional responses. It turned out that adolescents were more enthusiastic about risky behaviors that could make them feel stimulated, with 14-year-olds being the most prominent.

Neuroscientists at the University of London in the United Kingdom believe that unlike children, adolescents can weigh the pros and cons of their own behavior, but they are more concerned about whether these behaviors can bring happiness and stimulation to themselves, rather than safety or not.

In general, students around the age of 14 usually have the following six psychological characteristics:

1. Feel "grown up" and have an enhanced sense of self-expression;

2. Immature and perverse reasoning;

3. Overconfidence forms a conceited psychology;

4. Weak will, poor adaptability, and psychological voids under pressure appear;

5. Abnormal emotions such as depression, decadence, numbness, and emotional apathy;

6. Irritability, retaliation, irritability, irritation-seeking, etc. occur.

Although children around the age of 14 will have problems of one kind or another, 14 years old is a dangerous rebellious period, and it is the best period for shaping. Children around the age of 14 are "semi-mature", both independent and mature, but also limited to experience, age independence, which also caused the most difficult period of family education. At this stage, parents must make sufficient efforts to properly solve the problem and let the child develop smoothly.

B What should parents do? Accept children unconditionally!

As parents, what guidance and support can we give our children? The answer is to accept and love children unconditionally. Many times children do not deliberately work against their parents, but due to family education or physiological reasons in the growth period, as well as environmental impact. Therefore, after parents understand these causes, the first thing to do is to accept and understand the child, and stop complaining about the child. The phrase "long live understanding" holds more than any panacea. Ask parents and friends to recall their own state at this stage, at that time, are you also particularly annoyed that your parents and teachers do not understand you, but also manage you everywhere? Also know that the rebellious period is only a brief period of a person's growth process, and it will soon pass.

Second, parents should know themselves and change themselves. At this point, I hope that parents can pay attention to it. Because many parents do not understand themselves and are not mature in their own growth process, they cannot solve problems rationally and objectively when they encounter things. Even some parents themselves are extremely emotional, and before their children lose their temper, they get angry first. This irrational emotional state of parents, in the process of educating children, is often the fuse of children's rebellion.

Third, companionship is the best love. Another psychological characteristic of children in this period is that they are often in a chaotic and contradictory psychological state. Although they feel like they've grown up, they want to deal with problems and solve problems like an adult. But because they lack relevant experience, many times they fail. This failure, combined with the typical chaotic ambivalence, makes the child's psychological state at this time very painful. If parents can accompany their children with unconditional acceptance and love at this moment, children will feel the warmth of the family.

Fourth, parents should leave a little time for themselves. Parents care for their children, but they cannot be their children's nannies. Picking up and dropping off at school, reading books with children, reading with themselves, and everything revolving around children will make children dependent. Parents should take the initiative to find a little time and space to put their children aside for the time being. This is not to ignore the child, but to create a better psychological environment for the child. Taking advantage of idle time, more communication and communication between husband and wife, and the harmony of the relationship between husband and wife is crucial to family stability.

C What should a child do?

Boys may be ridiculed by others during this period, girls may be shy because their breasts become full, and you may often think about "what kind of person do I want to be", "how should I live my future life", "what am I like in the eyes of my classmates and teachers", etc., but obviously the answer does not automatically appear in front of you. All kinds of troubles, confusion, and uncertainty are like elephants in the room, I feel too big to hide, but my family can't see it. Remembering that every day of your childhood seemed carefree, and that the days were gone, you may feel more and more unhappy as you grow up.

Here as a big friend who has had the same experience as you, I want to tell you that these mental pains are all that a person must experience in the process of growing up, and the pain in the process is also worth it, and the answers to these questions are only the answers you really want after your own hard thinking and exploration.

Your problems are not unique to you, but universal. Your parents are basically the same at your age, even more rebellious than you are now, but they seem to have forgotten about it. So you can try to discuss with your peers, teachers, elders, brothers and sisters who are willing to discuss these issues with you as equals, and you can also watch movies and TV series on this subject. In short, this is not a big deal, this is the growing pain. After this period, you will see that this period was so colorful and adventurous, and life unfolded for you in this confused exploration.

Chengdu Jiujiang Junior High School Liu Chunyan

Department of Pediatric Psychology, Hunan Brain Hospital

Psychotherapist Ma Jing, Yang Zuiwen, Wang Changxue

Correspondent Shi Rong