What should a healthy intimate relationship look like?
Is it to dedicate oneself desperately, to intimately and selflessly fulfill and protect each other? Or are two open and independent personalities perfecting each other and achieving each other?
"You've changed. You started to get used to all my flaws, and I hated you like that. I like the strong and energetic woman. I hate that I force you to make yourself cringe, and I hate that you do. ”
I still remember my conversations with my ex-boyfriend. I started asking myself, "How did I get to this point?" ”
01
Because of you, I became unrecognizable
In that moment, I want him to admit how badly he treated me, and I hope he can take responsibility for the damage his actions have caused me.
His apology didn't resonate with me at all. I knew then that unless I admitted that I had indeed sacrificed myself to maintain a relationship, I would never recover. In the end, I was defeated, exhausted, unwilling to try again, and unable to believe that I could continue to persevere.
When we met, there was no denying that I was still in a precarious state of being hurt by my last relationship. It's a turbulent game. My inner secrets blinded me, and I couldn't trust my judgment because I missed a lot of red flags.
Still, I tried to show my new lover the best part of myself. We fell into a fairytale whirlwind of love, like the love I dreamed of scribbling on my high school notebook. We can read each other's minds and say what the other person wants to say. In the eyes of others, everything in our relationship is perfect.
But where others can't see, we still have a lot of days of tension, quarrels and sadness. I started to shrink myself and became quiet every day. I was afraid to say what I thought because I didn't know if it would make us quarrel again. I became insecure and even afraid of my own shadow.
When we finally parted ways, I could barely recognize myself. I spent too much time figuring out what I could do to keep us better together than the real me. And he knew that. So when we talked, I was devastated because he was right. I did make him change me, and I started hating myself for that.
For people who have had this experience, it is difficult for us to accept that we would allow others to say and do things to change our core identity. And, over time, this happens slowly and subtly. We often don't realize it ourselves.
02
How to realize that you have lost yourself in your feelings
The first sign is that you feel like you can't say what you think. If you find yourself stumbling when expressing your thoughts, there may be some problems. Every relationship requires some level of compromise, but if you've been good at sharing your point of view, but you're starting to feel that being honest with your feelings will lead to more arguments, then the relationship may be bad for both of you.
One way you need to stop it before it gets out of hand is to remind your partner that he's in love with someone who is good at expressing and valuing his opinions. You have to have a good discussion about why it's becoming so difficult to share your ideas. If the lover doesn't respond and is willing to really listen to you, then it may be time to seek the help of a third-party neutral.
You may notice another change in one thing as well: intimacy. When communication between lovers is interrupted, sex life often changes as well. Physical intimacy is important in love, and for a large part reason, it can emphasize the connection between two people. If you can't talk to each other normally, and you have to argue as soon as you talk, it's hard to have a healthy sex life.
I remember my physical insecurities increased during the darkest periods of my relationship with my ex and I started feeling nervous about sex because I didn't know if it would also trigger an argument. This confusion between us makes me feel less sexy or beautiful. For a sexually liberated feminist like me, it's a big change. I wish I could have a good talk with him and tell him that we need a spiritual connection to keep going. But I didn't do it because I was already silent.
Have your routines changed dramatically? This could be another sign that the situation is getting worse. Have you ever found yourself neglecting something because you were too focused on meeting your partner's needs? Are you having trouble concentrating on work or school because you are so worried after receiving a "we need to talk" message? When these situations arise, you need to be vigilant because they show that you are putting your relationship and partner's needs above yourself, which is not good for your relationship.
What happens if you're unemployed and need to be financially dependent on your partner? If you often disappoint your friends and they no longer invite you, how do you cope? You had a life of your own before falling in love, and you should continue to have your own life outside of the relationship. If your partner is disappointed in you because you put yourself first, they may not have your best interests at heart and are not your good guy.
03
A good relationship embraces the full self
Romantic relationships should be a union between people, requiring the presentation of a complete self and sharing of each other's identities. At the beginning of a relationship, it is necessary to get to know each other and figure out the compatibility between you, showing the most honest and complete selves of both of you. If you feel like you fell in love with the other person when you were most vulnerable and honest, that's a good thing too. This means that you are both willing to accept each other's flaws and everything.
So when you start to notice that your flaws are being magnified to the maximum, or when you start to feel like your strengths are no longer standing out, it may mean that you're starting to lose yourself in the relationship. You should ask yourself, "Am I really happy?" "Do I feel safe in this relationship?" "Do I know what kind of person I am?" If the answer is no, then it's time to take action and make a change.
Remember your own strength and summon up the courage to solve problems. If the situation gets worse, you can ask someone about it. You can't succumb to someone else's troubles, especially when they convince you that you're the culprit. Don't keep yourself silent, and don't give up on that inner self of you. You have more to give to someone who deserves to give, and now, that person is you.