In the past few years, we often saw a word on the Internet, which is "positive energy".
The mainstream narrative is that we need to have a positive attitude towards life and not be so sad. Positive, sunny, upward has become the background of "positive energy", and has also become the word we use to educate children. But as time went on, the frequency of the word seemed to be less frequent, and even more and more people on the Internet began to dislike the word.
Some of the "positive energy" is simply amazing! Scarier than negative energy!
For example, some time ago, the "dancing to the great white" that blew up the network:
In fact, the cause of this "positive energy trend" is good, and it has also received a lot of praise on the Internet. But soon public opinion turned the wind, and some people even began to form groups on the Internet to criticize it. Why is this kind of positive energy behavior disgusting?
Chang Dad felt that he could borrow the following answer:
In response to the positive energy, Chang Dad feels that the following paragraph also vividly illustrates the attitude of netizens.
Not all "positive energy" is positive, and sometimes it's just wrapped in a nice coat.
What does "toxic positive energy" look like?
Imagine a scenario like this:
After the child came home from school, he told you that today his two good friends had a conflict, and he tried to mediate in the middle, and the result was not only unsuccessful, but also made the two friends unhappy, so he was in a bad mood all day. After you listen, say, "It's okay, just have a better attitude next time." ”
Or something similar:
"What's so hard about you, what else is worse?"
"It's okay, Daddy believes you can overcome it, come on!"
"It's all right, let's just laugh and it's over!"
If we were children, how would it feel to hear our parents say this?
More angry, right?
These soothing "positive energy" words do show an absolutely positive attitude, but they also suppress the negative emotions that the child actually experiences.
On the one hand, parents' excessive emphasis on positive attitudes will erase the negative emotions of their children; on the other hand, this reaction of parents is easily understood by children as contempt.
A psychologist in the United States even thinks it's a form of "gaslight effect" — "You're basically telling your child that my comfort is more important than your actual difficulties in this situation." ”
So comfort is comfort, but not to the point; in a way, it's better than no appeasement.
You see this positive energy, sometimes it is not as good as negative energy.
How "positive energy" is played badly
In fact, positive energy itself is not wrong.
Positive energy, to put it bluntly, is a way of "positive thinking", thinking about the positive aspects of everything, which helps to improve emotional problems.
The reason why some positive energy is "toxic" is because the neglect and suppression of real emotions have led to children feeling guilty about their weakness, and instead of being encouraged, they will feel that they have been ignored and their real emotions have been suppressed.
Psychologists say that cultivating a positive mindset during difficult times is an effective coping mechanism, but a positive attitude must be rooted in reality in order to be healthy and beneficial.
The reality is that our emotions are complex and diverse, far more than sad and happy. And every emotion has a meaning to its existence.
(In the movie "Mind Task Force", the "emotions" are anthropomorphized as small characters with bright colors and different personalities)
According to evolutionary psychology, basic human emotions evolved to address the ecological challenges faced by ancient ancestors. Speaking of which, many big friends may not have thought much about this problem, and those negative emotions can help guide our behavior and act quickly, and the critical moment will protect us.
Fear can make the body aware that it is in danger and awaken the nervous system to prepare for "fight or flight"; it also helps people learn new protective responses.
Surprise is the purpose of emptying the brain of all residual activity in the working memory in order to face unexpected stimuli. It pushes people to explore new things.
Anger is about showing strong aggression in the face of the enemy; it prompts us to act when faced with danger or a challenge needs to be overcome.
The function of disgust is to reject any stimulus that may be toxic. It helps people avoid ingesting things that are harmful to the body.
The purpose of sadness is to lower a person's activity level, allowing the body to conserve resources and avoid unnecessary efforts. It also acts as self-preservation, allowing people to focus their attention on themselves. Most importantly, it pushes individuals to find social support to get rid of the depressed situation.
……
If we only welcome positive emotions, turn away difficult emotions such as sadness or fear, and force ourselves or others to become positive and optimistic with false happiness, it will make these negative emotions explode more violently, causing harm to our mental health and relationships.
(Stills from the TV series "Little Parting")
And parents inadvertently impose positive energy on their children, and the consequences are even more serious. Because if the person is an adult, he feels uncomfortable and will choose not to listen or bother to pay attention to you. But children may not have developed the ability to discern their emotions, they do not even realize that their emotions are suppressed, easy to produce self-doubt or simply habitually ignore their feelings, "flattering personality" is how it is produced.
How to restrain yourself from inadvertently instilling toxic positive energy?
We know that we can't blindly insist on outputting positive energy, but sometimes, as parents, we don't even realize that the truth we instill in our children is toxic.
So what should be done? Chang Dad provides parents with three suggestions:
01
Try not to use overly positive words
It's okay to encourage and cheer your child up, but you can't do it for the sake of positive energy.
For example, if a child complains that homework is too difficult or that he is tired of studying, his real need is to let his parents see his feelings and soothe himself.
But if the parents do not feel this and only perfunctorily encourage the child to "you are the best", the child will feel that he has been ignored, that he is insignificant in the eyes of the parents, and that he is even more sad.
At this time, the most important thing parents should do is to hug the child, say to the child, "Well, this sounds really difficult" or "it doesn't matter if you cry", and empathize with the child.
Only when you feel the child who is loved can you truly have the courage to face difficulties from your heart.
02
Accept bad emotions and be a real person
People don't like negative emotions, but a real person should have moods and sorrows.
And having children feel sad, fearful, or angry and expressing those emotions in an appropriate way will make them more resilient and self-controlled.
In the movie "Mind Task Force", there is such a plot, BingBong, who is completely forgotten by his friends, is very sad.
Le Le wants BingBong to be happy, grimace, tell jokes... Do everything you can, but still nothing will help.
And what do you do with worry? She just sat quietly next to BingBong, patted him on the back, and said how he felt.
BingBong, who was accepted by the worry, cried a lot, but felt much better.
Crying is a catharsis, but also a dose of anti-stress medicine.
When the child is sad, we may as well guide the child, let them face the bad emotions, and if they are not happy, do not pretend to be happy.
The moment a child is ready to accept bad emotions is the beginning of healing.
03
Accepting failure is the norm in life, and children can really grow up
The reason why Chang Dad especially hates "toxic positive energy" is because its essence is a kind of perfectionism in disguise. To promote this positive energy is to tell children that "there is no failure in life, and failure is shameful and cannot be forgiven."
But in fact, failure is not only the mother of success, but also an indispensable element of our wonderful lives.
Failure, even repeated failures, provides us with stronger and more effective opportunities for growth.
What we really have to guard against is not failure, but the "turtle mentality" of retreating when encountering difficulties.
"Toxic positive energy" not only can not encourage children, but will infinitely amplify children's fear of failure, hindering children's progress and exploration.
Let go of the positive energy and accept the child's emotions.
While teaching children to remain optimistic and positive, they are also allowed to accept their own delicate, complex, bitter feelings.
After all, there are bittersweet, laughter and tears, this is the real life.