We often use the phrase "no door on the mouth" to describe a person who speaks without a brain and has no mouth to cover.
In interpersonal communication, talking without paying attention to ways and methods can easily offend people and hinder communication efficiency.
In parent-child relationships, it is equally important to speak well.
Japanese educator Hisaichi Kimura said:
"Parents with children, even for livestock, etc., cannot use rough language."
Every word said by parents is shaping the child's outlook on life and values, and forming his cognition and evaluation of himself.
Good parents have a "handle" on their lips.
Its role is to provide a buffer time, the emotions calm down before speaking; control the quality of the words, so that the content of the expression is more easily accepted by the child.
Specifically, parents should pay attention to the following three points:
01
Use positive, positive language
France has a classic public service short film "A sentence destroys a child's life",
"Why are you wearing this dress?" I don't think your arms are thick enough! ”
"What iniquity have I done, and there is such a son as you?"
"You're nothing!"
"If I had known that, what kind of child did I want?"
"You're a piece of crap."
As a bystander, when you hear these words, you can't help but tremble in your heart, not to mention that as a child, you can hear it from your parents, and the weight of it can be imagined.
Especially for young children, parents are the people he is most attached to, but also the authority in his mind, and the words that parents inadvertently say casually will stay in the child's heart for a long time.
Those negative, demeaning, and insulting language will directly cause psychological trauma to the child, make his personality become inferior and sensitive, and his thinking becomes negative, which is difficult to get rid of in his life.
In real life, whenever the child's performance is not satisfactory, when making mistakes and making trouble, parents can't help but criticize and accuse the child, and in the state of emotional control, they will not choose to say anything and say some hurtful words.
When tutoring children with homework, they can't teach it a few times: "It's really stupid like a pig!" ”
The child did not clip the dish and fell to the ground: "I can't eat a meal, what is your use?" ”
The child participates in the competition and plays abnormally: "It's a shame, your face is lost!" ”
Parents vented their emotions for a while, but the problem still could not be solved, and it also caused harm to the child, and the gain was not worth the loss.
Psychologist Jane Nelson, a doctor of education, points out in her book Positive Discipline:
"If we could always ask ourselves: 'Am I giving my children strength or am I hurting them?' We use more effective ways of communicating when we treat our children. ”
Parents need to understand that the more they belittle their children, the more their self-esteem is hurt and their self-confidence declines, the more they lack the motivation to change. No matter what you do, the child feels good and will do better and better.
Before speaking, think more, the words that are about to be spoken, whether they can inspire the child, or will damage the child's self-confidence, and then choose whether to say it or not.
Use more positive, positive language to guide children, use specific guidance instead of criticism and yelling, and put forward hope instead of fighting negation.
For example, if a child drops a dish on the ground, you can let the child take the paper and wipe it clean, and then show the child how to take the chopsticks more steadily;
If you find your child lying, you can say to him:
"Mom wants you to tell me the truth no matter what happens in the future, okay?" "I believe you want to be an honest child."
Use positive language to guide the child, express more positive expectations, and protect the child's self-esteem and self-confidence, so that he will consciously and actively change to the good.
02
Tone of voice matters
Parent consultation is often:
"After the child went to junior high school, he had nothing to say to us more and more, except for eating and going to the toilet, he was usually alone in the room. Why do good children become so indifferent? ”
In fact, the child has never changed suddenly, every child who has nothing to say to his parents has been disappointed many times, and slowly, disappointment has become despair, and he is no longer willing to open his heart to his parents.
Many common problems in the parenting process, children rebellious, no words with parents, and poor parent-child relationships, are directly related to parents who do not speak well.
Among them, the vast majority of parents are planted on the tone of speech.
Think about it, do you often talk to your child in the following tones?
The tone of the rhetorical question: "Can't you hurry up?" "How did you get old like this?"
The tone of the command: "Go and wash the dishes for me." "Hurry up and go to sleep!"
Disgusted, impatient tone: "Oh, while playing, add to the chaos!" "What's there to cry about?" Annoying! ”
Sarcastic, sarcastic tone: "Let you not run, you have to run, this fall, comfortable?" "Do you still want to run for class cadre?"
The tone of negativity and blows: "You are not that piece of material!" "Stupid to die!"
A skeptical tone: "Did you do it?" "Stay up late at night to study?" Is it staying up late to play on your phone, right? ”
The child went to play with the same classmates and came back late, the parents are obviously worried about the child, two different tones, the feeling of sounding very different:
"Do you still know to come back?" You are not allowed to go out after coming back so late. ”
"Seeing that you haven't come back so late, my father and I are very worried, and if we come back later, you can say hello to us in advance."
I believe that parents originally want to be good for their children, but if they do not pay attention to the tone, love and care will change, the communication effect will be greatly reduced, and the parent-child relationship will be damaged.
The tone of the parent's speech affects the child's attitude.
Speaking in the negative tone listed above will make the child feel disrespected and trusted, and the first reaction is rejection and resistance, and the content of what the parent says, the child will not listen to it at all.
Commonly use a positive tone and children to talk, parent-child communication is more efficient, but also conducive to the establishment of a good parent-child relationship.
For example, a respectful, deliberative tone: "Is it okay to help your mother wash the dishes?" "You can arrange your own vacation study tasks."
Tone of trust: "I'm sure you didn't mean it." "I know you're going to try."
It is not easy to say a word, parents do not feel that in the face of their children, they can do whatever they want.
In parent-child communication, respect is the premise. Only by treating the child as an equal and independent person, thinking about how to express it more acceptable to the child, can the content of the speech be better conveyed to the child's heart.
03
How to do a good job of emotional management?
Many parents will say that I also know that I want to talk to my children well, but the problem is that I can't control my temper at all, and I want to get angry with my children, what to do?
If you want to control your emotions, you can start with these two steps:
The first step is to press the pause button to become aware of your emotions.
When is it hardest to speak well? It is no better than when parents are in a bad mood, or when they see their children being naughty, making mistakes, and causing trouble for themselves, the anger of emotions will be ignited.
At this time, parents can first press a pause, put down the matter at hand, go to a separate room, and calmly think about what is wrong with themselves and why they are angry.
Is it just because of the troublesome child in front of you? Or have you been running out of energy lately and are too tired? Or is it because of work things, in a bad mood?
Even if we don't take any action, this action alone will make us jump out of the center of the emotion, examine the emotion from the perspective of the observer, and explore the heart.
Out of the vortex of emotions, it is not easy to be controlled and wrapped up by emotions, and it is more calm and objective.
Parents identify the root cause of their emotions, which is also conducive to taking targeted measures to effectively solve practical problems.
The second step is to think differently and understand the child's feelings and needs.
Many times, parents are prone to rush to the fire because they only see the superficial phenomena, judge their children from their own point of view, and lack of listening and understanding.
If parents can add a link when communicating with their children: empathetic thinking, looking at the problem from the child's point of view, there may be different findings.
For example: children are particularly slow in the morning, delaying school time, if you only look at the behavior itself, you may feel that the child has a problem and rub.
But when you stand in the child's point of view, think that he is still young after all, dressing and washing and a series of actions are not as skilled as adults; think that in the child's world, the sensitivity to time is not as strong as that of adults.
There will be more understanding of children, more tolerance for their behavior, so the impatience will naturally dissipate.
Another example: children write homework and make mistakes, and parents begin to be impatient when they teach.
At this time, you can put yourself in the position of a child, if someone has been staring at themselves to write homework, or even yelling, how does it feel?
After empathy, you can better understand what the child really needs at this moment, is the guidance of peace of mind, and uses encouragement to enhance his self-confidence.
Therefore, if parents can learn to empathize and understand the feelings and needs behind their children's behavior, they can understand what ways to take to provide practical and effective help to their children.
To sum up, it is to understand themselves, understand the child, do these two points well, parents will better control their emotions, and use appropriate language to communicate with their children.
Writing this, I am reminded of a sentence said by a teacher:
"Educating a child is nothing more than talking to him well, not being in a hurry and not getting angry, and doing this, and you will be eighty percent successful."
I hope that every parent can always carry a "handle" on their lips, speak well, and express correctly.
If you find this article helpful, remember to click [in the reading] at the end of the article
This article is reproduced in Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs), written by | Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge of Admission", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters learned in a hurry", etc.