Author ┃ Blue Feather Read aloud ┃ Blue Feather
Guidance ┃ Guo Xinai Editor ┃ 丄学号
Recently, I accidentally saw a video and felt quite uncomfortable.
In the video, the tall son is curled up on a small sofa with his waist bowed, and the white-haired old mother stands in front of her son trembling and chattering.
The son kept nodding his head, occasionally asking something
If you can barely say a word of motherly kindness and filial piety just by looking at the picture, then the content of the mother-child dialogue is jaw-dropping.
It turned out that the elderly mother had been diagnosed with cancer and was about to be hospitalized for surgery, at this time she was nagging her son, what time to eat and what time to rest, what to wear on a sunny day and what to wear on a rainy day, and so on, and so on, and the four-year-old child needed to be told the question.
The son, who looked to be in his forties, interjected occasionally, not caring about his mother's condition, but asking himself what to eat, what time to sleep, what clothes to wear...
This mentally handicapped man is intellectually normal and physically sound. The reason for this is that he is accustomed to having his life controlled by his mother.
From childhood to adulthood, his mother took care of everything for him and decided everything. From food, clothing, shelter, to what university to study, what job to find, and who to fall in love with, there is a mother who decides for him.
Obviously, it was his life, but he became a puppet of his mother!
Edward has a saying, "Family tensions, parental tyranny, disrespect for the child's personality, do not talk about democracy and other factors, directly affect the child's learning and life." ”
How many strong parents there are, how many children are bound, or even hurt by their parents in the name of love. What did they all look like later?
One
Some children succumb in the face of strength
Habit of blind obedience
Recently, a friend confided that he was 30 years old, and his mother was still used to interfering with him in everything, under the banner of being good for him, which made him feel particularly depressed.
My friend's words reminded me of my cousin.
My cousin, 38 years old this year, graduated from a popular major in a famous school, worked for 15 years, was diligent and sincere, worked hard and complained, but has been doing the lowest level of the unit, and every promotion and salary increase has nothing to do with him.
The reason for this is that the cousin is too obedient!
The cousin obeys, listens to his mother at home, listens to the leader in the unit, and has no own opinion.
Such a person, perhaps a useful laborer, will never be valued.
The personality of the cousin was promoted by the aunt.
My aunt was an extremely strong person and could not tolerate anyone's disobedience. When my cousin was a child, there was a slight disobedience, and my aunt was beaten violently.
The family will occasionally persuade the aunt, and the aunt is always straight: "I am a mother, can I not love him?" Am I not doing this for his own good?
Over time, the cousin became an exceptionally obedient and well-behaved child, and when he grew up, he was a good old man who was accustomed to obedience.
Such maternal love, like a heavy shackle, binds the wings of the child that should fly.
There is a saying on the Internet: "Sometimes, love is also a kind of harm." ”
The most cruel harm a parent can do to a child is to raise a child into his own marionette in the name of love. "I am for your own good" has become the mantra of many parents, and how many children are tightening their mantras!
In the strong love of parents, how many children have lost themselves and lived like only promises!
Two
Some children erupt under high pressure
Hurting others and self-harming
My student, Koga, is a violent child.
The small face that should be innocent always carries the indissoluble hostility, and the look in people's eyes always carries three points of hatred. If you are slightly unsatisfied, you will punch and kick your classmates.
Because of the fight, the child who has just been in the second year of junior high school has been in and out of the police station several times.
Once because he was fighting, I asked his parents.
Xiao He's father was a tall man, and as soon as he entered the office, he didn't ask for two slaps.
The child's face was swollen at that time, the corners of his mouth were cracked, and blood slid down the corners of his mouth.
Xiao He didn't hide or cry, looking at his father's eyes, it was as cold as if he had quenched poison.
During that conversation, I learned that Koga's father was educated with sticks, and that Koga had grown up under his father's beatings and insults.
Stubborn Xiao he, his heart is like hiding a volcano, and under the calm that he barely maintains, it is the lava of anger brought about by his father's injury, and there is nowhere to vent.
The slightest touch, the magma will gush out, with a flame that hurts others and hurts yourself.
If The strength of Xiaohe's father created the violent Xiaohe, then the next story is even more cruel and shocking.
This was a piece of news from a few years ago.
Xiao Wu, a 12-year-old boy, was dissatisfied with his mother's excessive discipline and cut his mother more than 20 times with hatred, resulting in her mother's death.
After the incident, Xiao Wu was coldly indifferent to the police's questioning: "I just hate her!" Xiao Wu said so.
What kind of harm is it that makes a child hate enough to stab his own mother?
It is said that parents are the first teachers of children, and as parents, the first thing to teach children is how to love.
But the strength of the parents makes the parent-child relationship sharp as a thorn, making each other hurt. In such a parent-child relationship, the child does not feel love and does not know how to love.
If parents create a world for their children, there is only anger and rebuke. Children will only repay the world with hatred and anger.
Three
Be tolerant and gentle and wise parents
Wait for your child's life to bloom like a flower
Strong parents, not because they don't love their children, but because their love is too sharp and heavy, so that the children are scaled all over the body and break their wings.
It is said that "the love of a parent's son is a far-reaching plan." ”
Parents plan for their children, not to make decisions for their children everywhere, but to lay out a broad world for their children, so that children can grow freely in love and tolerance, until they spread their wings and fly.
Responsibility is measured, teaching is good. Smart parents will only guide their children, not try to control them.
01
Face your child's inadequacies with tolerance
I once watched a parent-child show where the mother and the child rated each other separately, and the results were surprising.
Every child gave her mother a perfect score, and every mother picked up a bunch of faults with her child.
Think about it, when the child looks at the mother with adoration, the mother looks at the child's eyes, but it is full of pickiness!
Don't you think your child is very distressing?
It is said that "gold has no feet, and no one is perfect." ”
The child has never abandoned his parents' incompetence, can not let him be born with a golden spoon, why can't parents face the child's inadequacy with a tolerant heart?
There is a saying on the Internet: "Tolerance is the lubricant that eliminates friction between people, the sunshine that eliminates the snow of suspicion between each other, and the bridge that communicates between each other's hearts." ”
In parent-child relationships, the same is true.
Parents learn to be tolerant and do not blame their children for perfection, which is the first step to building a good parent-child relationship.
02
Handle your child's mistakes with a gentle attitude
As the old saying goes, "No one is a sage, but no one can be blameless." ”
Adults make mistakes, let alone children?
In the face of children's mistakes, parents' anger and scolding will only make children afraid, but they cannot let children understand where they are wrong.
Children may avoid similar behaviors out of fear, but the problem is not really solved.
Parental scolding will only make the child feel suspicious, resulting in a gap in the parent-child relationship.
Therefore, in the face of children's mistakes, parents may wish to remain calm first, use a gentle attitude to find out the reasons for children's mistakes, and then accompany their children to solve the problem.
The gentleness of parents will give children the courage to face mistakes, and the encouragement of parents will give children the motivation to correct mistakes.
03
Be wise parents, strict and kind
The Douyin account "Pippi in the Countryside" shared a series of very funny family life videos.
The mother in the video is undoubtedly strong. When he didn't agree, he raised his eyebrows and spat out a fragrant mouth.
But the overall style of Pippi video is always very loving and warm. The reason why this can be so is because the father who seems to have a low sense of existence is really smart.
Whenever mom spits out fragrant emotions and Pippi's patience is about to reach its limit, Dad will step forward, sometimes subtly diverting Mom's anger, sometimes showing a generous smile.
Pippi Papa's smile is really very warm, and even the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes are full of kindness.
Under the grace of dad, mom's strength has become straight-talking, and the fragrance of spitting has become humorous.
This is the wisdom of parenthood. Strict kindness, one by one, the child will not indulge because of excessive coddling, nor will it be cowardly because of excessive harshness.
Four
Only when parents have wisdom can children grow up healthily
Parents are not only the child's first teachers, but also the child's first understanding of the world.
When parents are strong and dominant, the child's world will be cold and depressed, and the child will grow into a look of either meanness or cowardice.
Parents are gentle and tolerant, and the child's world is also warm and soft, so that the child can grow into a sunny or warm appearance.
Only when parents have wisdom can children grow up healthily.
Love is guardianship and guidance, not control and authoritarianism.
Since you are a parent, collect a strong edge, do not let the child be scaled in the name of love, and do not let the child taste despair.
The smartest parents must not be strong parents.
May every child be treated with tenderness and then grow into a strong, brave, warm and kind appearance.
Author Reader┃Blue Feather
Lan Yu, from Shihezi, Xinjiang, is a middle school teacher, a science and technology innovation counselor, who loves reading and writing, and is a creator of educational parenting literature. Willing to warm the world with words, I hope that every child can be treated with tenderness. Looking forward to meeting more peers, learning from each other, and growing together.
Shanbo Education Guide ┃ Guo Xinai
Guo Xinai, principal of a primary school in Shenzhen, a first-class teacher, a family education instructor, an advanced educator in Bao'an District, served as the director of the Moral Education Office, engaged in education for 34 years, loves calligraphy and literary creation, and his works have repeatedly won awards in various calligraphy and literature competitions at all levels, focusing on the comprehensive quality education of youth growth, psychological education and parent-child parenting.