John Gottman, known as the godfather of marriage, has studied more than a hundred families to observe the relationship between parents and children whose emotions affect each other. He found that the influence of parents' behavior on children's emotional intelligence is very large. Children's low emotional intelligence is often closely related to the wrong behavior in the parents' lives.
If parents have the following 5 behaviors in their daily lives, it means that you are raising a child with low emotional intelligence.
1, indifferent, do not respond
Common behaviors:
Children, like us adults, need an emotional outlet when they encounter difficulties. But when the child tells us, we think that she is just a child, often either forcing the child to stop crying, or using a joke to amuse the child, or even treating it coldly.
This is because parents pay more attention to their children's academic performance and never care about their children's emotions, which is more common among left-behind children. However, when the child has negative emotions, parents do not respond and transfer emotions can not solve the problem, will only make the child more negative, more love to express.
Parents should not think that if the child does not express negative emotions, the child is really "good". It's just that the child has restrained his emotions when he has not received a response from his parents for a long time. But if this emotion is not responded to for a long time, when the child faces fear, sadness, and anger, the fear, sadness, and anger he experiences are doubled.
How to deal with it:
When a child tells you about his emotions, what parents should do is respond in a timely manner and give the child comfort. When a child finds an outlet for emotions, he learns how to regulate and resolve his emotions.
2. The relationship between husband and wife is tense
Manifestations:
If a couple often quarrels with each other, slanders each other, and even punches and kicks each other, this is very detrimental to the cultivation of the child's emotional intelligence. Verbal abuse, beatings, and slander between parents can make children very miserable, and divorce will make children's young psychology worse.
The study found that children who grew up in a family with discordant husband and wife will have problems with physical health, mental health and social skills. Even for a baby, the tense atmosphere between the parents can make him feel uneasy and frightened. Children who grow up in this environment tend to become anxious, depressed, and introverted.
How to deal with it:
Husbands and wives live together, quarrels and complaints are inevitable, but do not criticize and insult each other's personality.
"You always say that you are busy at work, don't help me take care of the children, I am tired", this is a complaint.
"As long as you are busy at work, the children don't care, you are really selfish!" That's criticism.
3. Satire and belittling children
Presentation:
When a child makes a mistake, the most common way parents use it is verbal abuse, corporal punishment, sarcasm, and belittling. Studies have shown that these methods are useless for educating children, and can only destroy children's self-esteem.
Verbal abuse, corporal punishment, sarcasm, belittling, many parents do not feel that there is anything wrong with doing so, because he is a child and has done the wrong thing. But children love to get a sense of identity from their parents, and when you think "she's stupid," she can really get stupid. When you belittle them, they don't get motivated by it, it just gets worse.
The above practices destroy not only the children's self-esteem, but also their trust in their parents.
4, love to label
Expressive behavior:
When the child is not doing housework, you say, "Why are you so lazy!" ”。
When a child does something wrong, you say, "How stupid! ”
When a child hesitates, you say, "How can you be so timid!" ”
When a child makes a little progress, you say, "How are you so smart!" ”
"Lazy", "stupid", "big", "timid", "smart" are our favorite labels for children. Some mothers even habitually compare their children with others, which is also a very hurtful behavior.
If parents do not know how to respect their children, the pressure on the children will increase and there will be problems in behavior.
How to deal with it
When a child makes a mistake, we should criticize the behavior and not denigrate personality and morality. When a child is afraid to do something, parents should encourage the child to try it instead of saying "How can you be so timid?"
5. Blame and punish
Negative emotions in children
Manifestations:
Many times, when children express their negative emotions, parents do not care about the reasons for their children's anger and crying, and only feel that the child's behavior makes them very faceless.
Most people think that girls should be kind and tolerant, so parents ask women to hide their emotions, not to be angry, not to resist. Boys should be strong and masculine, and parents demand that their sons not show fear or worry. If the child can't do it, the parents will belittle or even punish the child.
If the child's emotions are not recognized by the parents, they will become depressed and their self-esteem will decrease. When children grow up, neither marriage nor career will achieve anything.
How to deal with it:
Parents should know that emotions are not right or wrong, and accepting their children's emotions is the first priority. At the same time, parents must draw a line between their children's behavior, otherwise they are spoiled. When children have negative emotions, as parents, you should teach your children how to adjust and find the right way to vent.
Write in the last words
Whether parents can accept their children's emotions has a great impact on their children's growth. If parents can accept their children's emotions, children will have good gains in school, career, or marriage when they grow up.
On the contrary, children cannot regulate their emotions, naturally study badly, work is not smooth, marriage contradictions are frequent, how can they be happy?
I have a lot of similar parents around me, who are not good at expressing their emotions and do not let their children express their emotions. Are there similar people around you?
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