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Since 2020, a meme called "high emotional intelligence recovery" has caught fire on the Internet: this description refers to some people telling the more ugly truth in a softer way, and this ridicule is actually a disguised affirmation of "oil cavity slippery tone".
So is the so-called "high emotional intelligence" a social ability that can be achieved just by mastering some "witty words"? I'm afraid it's not that simple.
What is emotional intelligence?
In fact, as early as the beginning of the twenty-first century, many people began to introduce the concept of "emotional intelligence" into people's lives, from the streets and alleys, after tea and dinner, to the works of various so-called "success studies" masters.
Many people understand it as "the ability to get along with people" and define people who speak beautifully and are good at getting along with people as "high emotional intelligence.".
Emotional quotient (Emotional Quotient) is actually a kind of abbreviation of people, according to the original Meaning of English, its full name should be "emotional quotient", which is a concept proposed by the psychological community and "IQ" (that is, "intelligence quotient").
If you want to achieve high emotional intelligence, you should do it under the premise of knowing yourself, and with the help of excellent expression skills, form a good interaction with others.
Daniel Goleman, a doctor of psychology at Harvard University, and other researchers such as P. Salovery believe that emotional intelligence is composed of five characteristics: self-awareness, emotion control, self-motivation, recognition of other people's emotions, and handling of interrelationships.
So after we actually understand the true meaning of "emotional intelligence," we may change our previous perceptions.
Similarly, this feature does not only appear in the lives of adults, even children who are not familiar with the world, there is also the existence of emotional intelligence; in addition, the indicator of emotional intelligence is not set in stone, as people grow older, the emotional intelligence of individuals is also constantly changing, but some people will increase, some people will decline.
Regarding the cultivation of individual emotional intelligence, it is also a point worth noting in the field of family education. So how can children be nurtured in family life? Let's take a look at the opinions of experts.
Such families are more likely to have children with low emotional intelligence
Professor Li Meijin, a professor at the Chinese Min Public Security University and dedicated to the field of minors' education, said in response to this problem that some children are actually destined to be "low emotional intelligence" people from an early age, which has a lot to do with the family education in which they are located, but their parents often do not realize this in time.
1. A family where parents often quarrel
I believe that such examples in daily life will surely impress you: in a family, the father always comes home drunk, and the mother always has to ignore people, so the husband and wife will always quarrel.
In this regard, Professor Li Meijin gave an example: the child next door to her family originally had a very good personality and was also very clever, and she thought that she was a very successful child in the future.
But what people did not expect was that the child was not able to continue his studies, but left the school early to work as a teenager.
Why do good kids become like this? In fact, the reason is also very simple. Their parents often fight because of a small matter, resulting in children will also be greatly affected, "a kind of learning", they often show low emotional intelligence in school, it is difficult to get along with classmates, and often fights and fights.
The family is an important primary group for individual growth, in the view of Pavlov (Иван Петрович Павлв), Edward Lee Thorndike, Albert Bandura and other behavioral psychologists, an important means of interaction between individuals and the outside world is observation and learning, for young individuals, the family is undoubtedly the best school, parents are equivalent to teachers.
If parents' behavior is difficult to set an example for their children, it will be difficult for them to develop good habits in the future.
2. Families whose children are often hit
Many parents will think that educating children can not always praise, but also should often use some harsh words and deeds to "spur" them, only in this way will children not be spoiled, and children who grow up in their parents' strict education will be more tenacious.
In fact, this idea is completely wrong. In the process of growing up, children will not only absorb things from the outside world, but also subtly accept and imitate.
If the child is often criticized, hit or even sharply ridiculed by the parents at home, then the child's personality will become more eccentric, and will also treat the people around him in the way that the parents treat themselves, whether they are peers or elders, if they use a sarcastic and despondent tone when communicating with them, then there is no doubt that this is a manifestation of low emotional intelligence.
As a parent, criticism is certainly okay, but pay attention to your own way and method.
3. Families with selfish parents and small patterns
There is a Chinese saying that "dragons give birth to dragons, phoenixes give birth to phoenixes, and rat children will make holes." "Although it is a little unpleasant, its meaning refers to what kind of parents will teach what kind of children."
On this point, Professor Li Meijin once again gave an example: once in the middle of the mall, a sign on a fruit stall said "No tasting", but when a mother dragged her child by, she quietly picked a strawberry to give to the child to eat, and also signaled the child not to be silent.
This kind of behavior is very disappointing - as a parent, the pattern should be larger and the vision should be wider, because your behavior will appear in the eyes of your children all the time and become their role models.
There are many parents who like to be greedy and cheap, selfish behavior, so when their children are affected to become such people, when they interact with people around them, they will naturally show great concern for some trivial things, and even because of some small things, they will worry about others, this behavior is bound to be regarded as a low emotional intelligence behavior, thus affecting the social interaction and status of children.
So even if you're a sometimes selfish person, it's never too late to change when you're a parent, if you realize that.
In summary, many parents always want their children to become people with high emotional intelligence and "eat open", but many times they forget that their personality is also a great factor affecting the formation of their children's personality.
If you are a parent, I hope you will examine whether there are negative aspects of your personality that affect your children.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205