Editor's Note:
This article is from an excerpt from "What Do You Bring into Intimate Relationships", written by Wang Junhua, who thinks about marriage, personal growth, and now family education from the perspective of a kind woman who is a psychologist. I hope that through a small story, more people will be introduced to think.
"I brought the loneliness and sadness of my childhood to my marriage, transferred the expectations that were not met from my parents to my husband, and asked him for attention, companionship, recognition, and security... I have worked very hard all these years, and my husband has been very tired of my requirements. ”
01
Loneliness follows
As soon as she entered the consultation room, Yan Li went straight to the subject: "Teacher Wang, I actually don't think there is any principled and big deal problem in our marriage, but I often feel dissatisfied and uncomfortable." ”
I asked her to slow down and said, "No hurry... Can you tell me what kind of discomfort that is? ”
"I don't quite understand... For example, my husband went to work, my children went to school, and I was left alone at home, and I often felt irrepressibly... Sad, very lonely. Especially in the evenings and on weekends, if my husband can't stay at home with me, I will be very angry. ”
Therefore, it is often that the left waits for not to come back, the right waits can not come back, "finally come back, you can accompany me, but I can't help but argue with him." Yan Li was also helpless to herself.
In addition to that, she said, she was proud of her husband: "Whether as a husband, father or son-in-law, he is very competent. She paused and added, "I can't be modest enough to say that my husband is really good. ”
She and her husband Chen Yuyang are college classmates, and when he was in school, he was very outstanding, and soon after work, he came to prominence. They married because they fell in love, and have been in a good relationship for more than ten years, with a lively and lovely son, who is 10 years old this year.
Not only that, but the husband has a sense of family responsibility. In order to create good living conditions for Yan Li and her son, he quit his job on the platform, overcame various difficulties to set up his own company, worked hard for several years, and finally gained a firm foothold in his career and moved forward steadily.
As a result, not only is the family of three no longer worried about their livelihood, but even the parents of both sides and even their respective families have benefited. Yan Li no longer had to work nine to five to earn a living and became the envy of everyone as a full-time wife.
"But my heart is not as happy as outsiders think, as long as my husband is not around, I feel empty, lonely, sad, feel that life is difficult to survive, and it is precisely that he is not around me." Speaking of this, Yan Li sighed deeply.
I asked her, "How long have you been feeling lonely, sad, sad, angry?" ”
She replied very seriously that it had been a long time. There seems to be some helplessness, and some self-blame.
Yan Li said that she didn't like herself like this and had been trying to find a way to make herself happy. Over the years, she has been reading, studying, practicing yoga, flower arranging, attending friends, classmate parties as much as possible, and so on, just to enrich her life and not give loneliness and sadness an opportunity.
However, the effect is not ideal, and this loneliness and sadness are like growing on Yan Li's body.
"My husband has been working very hard outside, and when he comes home, he is still angry with me, bound by my various requirements, and he often accuses me of being immature like a child." 」 She said that they would also quarrel over it, and with it Yan Li became more lonely, sad and sad. Such emotions are cyclical and cannot extricate themselves.
I looked at Yan Li quietly and intently and asked her, "Behind these feelings, how do you think of your husband and yourself?" ”
She thought about it and said, "I think about my husband, he only cares about making money all day, and he doesn't care about our mother and son; moreover, he doesn't value me as much as before...
"But sometimes, I feel that this should not be true, because in addition to not being able to accompany me every day, he is still very good to me." However, when I am lonely, I can't help but think so. When she said this, Yan Li kept frowning, very confused.
She also struggled to describe herself: "Regarding myself, I feel that as a stay-at-home mom, I am becoming less and less important...
"Sometimes, I feel a little unreasonable to ask my husband for this and that, but sometimes I feel very pitiful, as if no one cares about me."
"I even thought how nice it would be if I were a man, so I wouldn't have to be like this, working blindly all day and not seeing the results of my busyness."
02
That lonely and sad little girl
"How long have you been looking at yourself like this and feeling unimportant, pathetic, and uncared for?"
Listening to my question, Yan Li seemed to have been touched by something, and her eyes unconsciously wandered away, "It seems... It's been a long time, like... This has been the case since childhood. ”
Then she pulled her eyes back to look at me and said affirmatively, "Well, I've felt that way since I was a kid. ”
Then, as if she had realized, she "Oh" for a moment, then stopped again, as if to say, "Oh! It turns out that this is related to childhood, but..."
I'm not sure if she was in deep thought, or if she remembered something, and sat quietly in front of her for a long time before trying to ask her, "When I was a child, was there any picture?" ”
"Yes." She admits that this feeling of loneliness and sadness has existed since childhood.
I took out some dolls to represent people, let her present the picture in her head, let me see, and let her inner clearer.
She posed as her father, mother, sister, brother and childhood self, about four or five years old. Dad and mom stood closer, the sister was next to mom, and the younger brother was next to dad. And Xiao Yanli was farther away from them, looking outside the circle of the family.
She said that although she was born and raised in this family, she always felt as if the four of them were one family and she was the unwelcome and superfluous person.
At this point, she cried, tears dripping down like broken pearls.
It turned out that Dad's patriarchal thinking was serious. Although the sister is also a girl, perhaps because of the first child, he still has hope, so the reaction is not very strong. However, when her mother gave birth to her, her father was extremely disappointed and ignored his wife for half a month. It wasn't until he finally had a younger brother that Dad's mood slowly improved.
"I felt that in this home, I was like I didn't exist, except for eating, dressing, sleeping, my parents rarely asked me anything.
"I was also very well-behaved since I was a child, never causing trouble, and it seemed that I lived in caution and fear all day long."
After a pause of a few seconds, I pointed to the "Rock Li of childhood" in the picture and asked her softly, "Can you see that cautious girl?" How did she feel at the time? ”
She nodded, "It's a deep loneliness, sadness, and insecurity," adding, "It's very similar to the loneliness and sadness I feel in my marriage now... Now, when I'm lonely and sad, I often feel like a four- or five-year-old girl. ”
03
Unmet expectations
In order to make the consultation more experiential and more focused, I "invited" the dolls representing her father and mother to the chair one after another, and asked her to say something to the "father" and "mother" on the chair for herself, expressing the harm caused to her by being ignored by her parents: her loneliness and helplessness, humility and flattery; she also boldly expressed the anger that had been suppressed, feeling that it was unfair to herself; she said that she very much hoped to get the acceptance and attention of her parents, especially the approval of her father and the love of her mother...
This expression is a very safe emotional release, even if it is intense, it will not hurt anyone in reality, and she seems to be much more relaxed.
Next, I use the "empty chair" technique to make her talk to "Daddy" and "Mommy."
She sat in the position of "daddy", and "daddy" responded to "Yanli when she was a child": "Your sister can do a lot of things and help the family a lot; your brother is too young, so he naturally pays more attention to them; you are more obedient and sensible, never let me worry, I am also very assured of you... I thought you were fine, but I didn't know you were thinking so. ”
She sat in the "mom" seat and the tears came down. "Mother" said to the "Yan Li when she was a child": "Child, I am really sorry, my mother is busy, I don't know if you are so lonely and helpless in your heart as a child, I'm sorry!" ”
She admits that if Mom and Dad knew her heart, there was a good chance that that was what they wanted to say.
Next, she offered to talk to her "sister". She expressed her gratitude to her sister and said that in fact, her sister has always cared about her.
Sitting in the position of "sister", "sister" also expressed guilt, concern and pity for her.
In the next consultation, we continue to work on the family of origin. Through the original family diagram, deal with the relationship with father and mother separately; through the positive description of them, connect the resources inherited from them, what they teach, their own learning and understanding; transform those negative descriptions, what they have gained from it, what can be added, and thus live a better life.
She connects the love of her parents in her memories. For example, she originally had a lot of complaints about her dad, but when it came to the adjective of "responsible" for dad, she recalled a warm shot:
In the third grade of elementary school, there was a math competition at school, and she failed the test and was very sad. That day, dad came to pick her up at school on a bicycle, and the moment she saw dad, she couldn't help but cry.
"I remember when dad talked to me, he was always smiling, without the slightest hint of blame. After listening to me, he gently patted my head twice with his thick palm, comforting me and saying, no big deal, people are growing, Daddy believes in you! Yan Li said that she felt her father's support, warmth and love, and she is still very touched to look back.
I just don't know why, I've never recalled it before.
Memories are sometimes shielded by something intangible, such as emotions, so that the truth of love cannot surface, and once the emotions begin to flow, the picture of the memory will slowly spread out in front of the eyes one by one...
She re-arranged her family with dolls, and her father, mother, sister, brother and she formed a circle, accepting each other, caring for each other, and being happy...
I let her take a deep breath and let this warm picture freeze in her heart, and let her whole body experience that warmth and love.
When I talked to "Dad" and "Mom" again, I could already clearly feel Yan Li's inner growth: "Thank you Mom and Dad, thank you for giving me life, thank you for giving me so many rich resources!" Although I have great regrets, I didn't know these things before, but I have grown up, a wife, a mother, no longer the lonely and sad little girl, I already have the strength to take care of and accompany myself, you can rest assured. ”
For her parents who could not give her for various reasons, Yan Li said that she decided to forgive: "I no longer ask my parents for it, I can love myself." When she said this, she seemed so determined and powerful.
04
The power that comes from growth
Because of the problem of marriage, we must return to the problem of marriage.
The haze in our hearts was dispelled, and when we talked about companionship in marriage again, our conversation became much lighter.
"Is there any intrinsic connection between your upbringing and marriage?" I asked her.
Yan Li is very perceptive, she said: "I brought the loneliness and sadness of my childhood to marriage, transferred the expectations that were not met from my parents to my husband, and asked him for attention, companionship, recognition, and security... These years have been very hard, and my husband has been very tired of my requirements.
"I can now distinguish that husbands are husbands and parents are parents. I grew up and no longer needed my husband to be my 'parent'. ”
I said, "I'm going to test you, assuming that my husband is the same as before on the weekend, because he has to be busy with the company's affairs and can't accompany you, will you be different from before?" ”
She was honest: "I think there may still be some disappointment, right?" After all, I love and cherish the time of family reunion.
"But I don't feel so lonely anymore, I'm not so sad and angry anymore, at the very least, it's going to be a lot less serious."
I thanked her for her honesty and continued to ask her. "In this case, how do you look at your husband and how do you look at yourself?"
She laughed and said that she was surprised by her own changes: "In fact, in the thinking of men, earning money to support a family is love." He really loves me, and it's not that he doesn't value me, it's just that the way is not to accompany me.
"I resigned at home, in fact, I also took on a lot, and it was also very important. Only in this way can he be relieved to be busy with outside things, and the child can go to school with peace of mind. We are together, and no one can do without anyone. ”
While giving her a thumbs up, I continued to ask her, "So, how do you get the attention, care, and companionship you need?" Also, how do you deal with your disappointment? ”
She paused for a moment, as if with great determination: "Yes, I no longer expect him to be with me all the time, and I can accept it despite my regrets; I now feel that I have a lot of love, strength, and stability in my heart." I can learn to care for myself, to care for myself, to be with myself. ”
Having said that, she got up, walked over to the window of the counseling room, and looked out for a moment.
Then she turned around and smiled and said that she didn't feel pity for herself anymore, and that there was a sense of ease, freedom, and pleasure that came out, and she even wanted to jump here a few times.
So come on, let's jump together.
I am reminded of Nietzsche's words: "Every day that has not danced is a disgrace to life." ”
Other consecutive reprints
Qi Jia ShengYe Shuxiang was a book club at this time
Read "What Did You Bring into Intimacy" together
A good relationship between husband and wife can bring security and happiness to the child.
Author: Wang Junhua, Associate Professor of China Youth Political College, National Second-level Psychological Counselor, Satya Model Family Therapist, Double Master of Law and Psychology, Columnist of Marriage and Family Magazine, Special Expert of Happiness Study Club. He is good at psychological counseling and treatment of personal growth, family feelings, and children's school aversion. He is the author of "At That Moment, I Saw Myself", "What Did You Bring into Intimacy: Exploring the Inner Iceberg Using the Satya Model", and others.