Editor's Note:
This article is from an excerpt from "What Do You Bring into Intimate Relationships", written by Wang Junhua, who thinks about marriage, personal growth, and now family education from the perspective of a kind woman who is a psychologist. I hope that through a small story, more people will be introduced to think.
Sometimes, two people who seem to be wronged by a narrow road are actually telling each other in this way that each of us needs to be healed and has our own growth issues.
01
We seem to be caught in the vicious circle of accusation-flattery-accusation-evasion
Lin Xiaoxiao is a typical southern woman, small and exquisite, fair-skinned, fast-talking, and pulls her husband Hou Haidong, who is much taller than herself, into the consultation room.
After greeting me, Xiaoxiao first made clear his intentions:
"Teacher Wang, this is my husband Hou Haidong, he has psychological problems, I can't stand him." But the son is too young, I guess, I can't find someone as good as he is to my son, but just putting up with him is not a solution, you give him advice. ”
Then sit down and say to your husband, "Sit closer to the teacher, tell the truth, and see how you can solve it." ”
Haidong looked a little embarrassed and hesitated to sit down in a chair diagonally opposite me.
I expressed my gratitude and appreciation: their trust in me, their support for each other, their efforts to improve their marriage, and, "I can tell, you both love your son so much that you are willing to endure some of the unhappiness in your life for your son." ”
Xiaoxiao agreed with my words: "You are right, Hou Haidong is really good to his son, almost 3 years old has always been love and patience, sometimes make trouble, I can't stand it, he can, coax, try to calm things down." ”
Perhaps because of his son, Hou Haidong grinned and had a smile on his face.
XiaoXiao then began to talk about Haidong's "problem": he was clumsy and clumsy, and he couldn't do anything; what was even more intolerable was that he swallowed and vomited, hesitated, didn't have a happy word, didn't fight righteousness, wasn't enough of a man, "Three feet can't kick a fart, you say it's uncomfortable or not?" ”
Hou Haidong's face was expressionless, and his eyes glanced into the corner of the wall until he stopped at something.
I invited my husband: "Haidong, what do you think?" ”
Haidong looked a little embarrassed and said, "I am... Not very confident, it turned out... I don't think I'm stupid, now, a lot of things are done, Xiaoxiao is very dissatisfied... However, the more she hated iron not steel, the more I seemed to be unable to do it. He also admitted that he was procrastinating more and more, and the more things were delayed, the more Dissatisfied Xiaoxiao became.
Watching them interact with each other like this, I had a rough guess about the changes in their relationship over the years, asked for their consent, and invited them to demonstrate the process of change in body language.
I first demonstrated the four communication postures of the Satya model: accusation, one hand crossed at the waist, the other hand reaching out, extending the index finger, angrily pointing at the other; flattering, kneeling on one knee, looking up, one hand reaching out to beg, the other hand touching the chest; super-rational (telling the big truth), standing stiffly, with his arms crossed on his chest, his eyes up, thinking about all kinds of "shoulds" and "musts" and some big truths of life; hitting (evading), simply turning around, ignoring what is happening.
Then, let them go inside, pay attention to the distance between the two positions, and try to stay in each posture for a period of time, in order to pay attention to the physical and inner feelings.
The experience begins with a harmonious relationship, representing love, marriage: two people stand face to face, stretch out their hands, palms facing up, placed on either side of the waist, with a gentle face, maintaining eye contact.
Start entering the experience, and if you need to, close your eyes to better understand.
The change happened, and the first set of gestures was: the wife blamed first, and the husband followed to please.
In the second group, the wife was more accusatory, I let her stand in the chair, and the husband was more flattering.
In the third group, the wife got out of her chair and took a step forward, still accusatory; the husband turned and took a step outward.
In the fourth group, the wife also turned her back to her husband, who stood in the same position and bowed his head heavily. This is how the current situation in life is answered.
I asked them to share how they felt during the process.
Xiaoxiao spoke first. At first, it felt particularly powerful to accuse, but gradually, the hands and arms were sore and painful, and some of them could not stand it. Even more angry, he stood in his chair and accused even more severely. But I felt that my body was shaking, and I couldn't stand up, so I had to come down.
When I blamed again, I had a particularly frantic feeling, very frightened, feeling that I could not continue. Seeing her husband turn around, he also turned around. But the heart is even sadder, because if that is the case, the marriage may really be hopeless.
Xiaoxiao confessed that her current actual situation is that she wants to turn around, but when she thinks of her child, she also thinks that Haidong is a good person, and she struggles internally and is very conflicted.
Xiaoxiao said that in the process just now, she had made new discoveries about herself, as if she would only blindly accuse, which surprised her, not knowing that she was "so hateful in the original face." At first, she said, the accusations weren't so strong, but Haidong knelt on the ground to please her and later had to run away, which made her even more accusatory and more frantic: "I can't stand this spineless, irresponsible man the most." 」 ”
Haidong said that when he was flattered, he was very depressed and afraid; the more severe Xiaoxiao's accusations, the stronger this feeling became... Unable to bear it, he turned around, "So that he could breathe out, he was not bothered by his eyes"; but after a moment of relaxation, he felt very lonely and dazed.
He also found that he seemed to be particularly difficult to face strong accusations, and when he encountered accusations, he was not confident enough, his heart was panicked, his legs were weak, and he was "even a little bit hesitant", so he had to curry favor with a lower posture... After a long time, I was particularly tired, and my body was shaking. When I turned around, I thought, "I can't mess with you, can I hide from you?" However, he was very remorseful and felt that he was very embarrassed, which was exactly where Xiaoxiao was not satisfied with himself.
I asked them to sit face to face and tell each other directly about the feelings they had just said.
Although they were not used to it, they were still finished, and when they found that they were angry or afraid before, they only felt that the other party was hateful, and they did not think at all, and the other party's heart was so fragile. For example, Haidong said that he did not expect that his wife, who looked so aggressive, was actually afraid in her heart; Xiaoxiao also said that it was as if it was the first time that he heard a big man say that his body was straight and trembling, "a little painful."
I asked them to say these words face-to-face to each other instead of saying them to me.
Xiao Xiao was a little moved and said, "Alas! We seem to be caught in the vicious circle of accusation-flattery-accusation-evasion. ”
Yes, the wife blindly accuses, and the husband is most afraid of being blamed; when the husband cannot face it, first please, then escape, and the wife can not stand the man's flattery and escape, so more blame, the vicious circle is formed.
02
I never liked my mom like this, but I do now
When she came again, Xiaoxiao was more proactive, saying that she was willing to change.
I appreciate her initiative, responsibility, and energy.
I invited her to slow down and said, "Xiaoxiao, when you two get along, you are very loud, easy to accuse, and more aggressive... Are you familiar with such people before? ”
Xiaoxiao replied, "I'm too familiar with it, my mother is such a person." ”
It turned out that when Xiaoxiao was a child, her mother worked as a clerk in an organ in their county town, her father worked as a teacher in a college in the city, Xiaoxiao, her brother, grandparents and mother lived in the county city, and her father went home every time he was on vacation; on weekday weekends, sometimes he came back, sometimes he didn't come back. I don't know if it was because my mother was too busy, because I didn't have a good relationship with my grandmother, or some other reason, anyway, since XiaoXiao remembered, my mother was talking to anyone at home loudly, accusing or complaining. In particular, the relationship between parents is tense, and every time the father returns, he is the object of being counted.
To her surprise, "I never liked my mom like this, but I'm doing the same now." ”
Moreover, she is almost a copy of her mother, and her interaction with Haidong is almost a copy of the interaction mode between mother and father.
I asked her to take four plush toys from my "treasure chest" to represent her father, mother, brother and childhood self, and let her "lay out" a scene of conflict in her memory.
She chose a blue "Angry Bird" to be her mother; a little brown bear of one size small, to be her father; a little red lamb, to be herself; a white rabbit, to be her brother.
When she was five or six years old, one weekend, her father and mother were arguing over money. The mother was very angry, accusing her father of giving a large part of her salary to her grandmother without consulting with her; the father was just about to "justify" and say that "the salary is not for his mother, that is not filial piety", and the mother began to cry and cry, crying about how difficult it was for her over the years...
Father's good advice... Finding that he could not see the effect, he began to be silent and sighed.
Xiaoxiao posed as her mother's "angry bird" and accused; her father, the "little brown bear of the little one", turned to escape.
"Where are you and your brother?" What is the communication posture? I asked.
Xiao Xiao thought about it and said that his brother was really like a rabbit, as if this matter had nothing to do with him, and he didn't know where to go to play.
She stood closer to her father, accusing her mother in her heart of having gone too far; some neighbors came to watch, which made her feel ashamed.
I asked her to take the place of the "red lamb" and speak these words directly to the "Angry Birds".
Then, let her stand in the position of "Angry Birds" and repeat what she just said to her.
She experienced it there for a while, looked up at me thoughtfully, and said that she finally knew why her mother was so angry with herself, from accusing her father alone to accusing her and her father of two people: "I didn't think you were a white-eyed wolf, I really fed you for nothing." ”
Every time my mother said this, she would cry very sadly. Today, she stands behind her "mother" and experiences this feeling of anger and grievance.
"What is your communication posture toward your father?" I asked.
She said, to be honest, it was also an accusation, just a little younger than her mother. The reason is that in addition to her father not taking much care of them, she also agrees with her mother's point of view: "Such a flattering and evasive man is too snuggly, and a man is to be responsible, to be strong, and to face bravely." ”
Her father's escape made her feel insecure and unprotected.
In the same process, I first asked her to tell "father" about this, and then let her stand behind the little bear that belonged to her father and repeat it to her.
She smiled bitterly and said, "It's really the ass that decides the head, what I experienced here is that my father saved this home in an evasive way, so that this family was complete and peaceful... This is another form of responsibility. ”
I asked her, could this be her father's idea?
She nodded and said, "I think so, otherwise, I reckon our family would have been torn apart long ago." ”
After saying that, tears began to flash in her eyes, and she said, "I am suddenly very grateful to my father for keeping my family intact." She said she couldn't imagine what it would be like for her and her brother if her parents weren't together, and she'd rather they be together as a family.
03
Break the vicious circle
Back to the relationship between Xiaoxiao and Haidong.
I looked at Xiaoxiao, more like inviting her: "Are you willing to turn around and face Haidong?" Looking at him, I felt if I had put some things that belonged to my father on Haidong. ”
XiaoXiao moved his chair, sat down opposite Haidong, nodded thoughtfully, and said, "Yes, when Haidong pleases and escapes, I become that little girl who is not safe and unprotected." Mom's voices will also come out: 'Men who are so flattering and evasive are too embarrassed, and men are responsible, strong, and brave to face.' ’”
I tried to make the process clear: "Okay, you look at Haidong, if you need to, you can put an empty chair next to Haidong, representing your father; can you complete the process by imagining it?" Is it okay to distinguish between the father and Haidong's flattery and escape, and return the part that belongs to the father to the father? ”
After saying that, I moved a chair and put a piece of paper on it, with the word "father" written on it.
She tried twice and did. Then, with a long breath, as if to say to me, as if to herself: "Yes, I have grown up and am safe." ”
After a pause, she continued: "I also understood in the previous process, sometimes, flattery and avoidance are also another kind of responsibility, a kind of tolerance and patience. Perhaps, haidong is also."
I turned to Haidong and asked him what he had experienced in his heart during the process of Xiaoxiao.
He said that when he saw Xiaoxiao and her family working, he had always tried to think of himself as Xiaoxiao in his heart, and suddenly understood Xiaoxiao's temper and strength in life.
In the past, he always felt very wronged, and he was overwhelmed by this situation, as if he was doing something wrong. "It's been 6 years since I got married, and I'm ready to give up on letting her understand me. Women in the world are the same, always nagging, you can't reason with her, hard no, I can only use a way that is not a way, can't provoke you to hide from you. ”
I paused for two seconds and asked Haidong, "Are all women the same in the world?" That is to say, who else but Xiaoxiao is like this? ”
Haidong admitted that when he was a child, his mother was to him, grabbing the "little braid" and then "going up the line", she could never see what he did well, and it was more difficult for her to recognize than to ascend to the sky.
We used a separate consultation to deal with the relationship between Haidong and his mother. Reconciling with his mother allows the little boy who has to escape from his inner fear to experience safety and being loved, slowly grow up in his heart, and grow new strength to face and assume responsibilities in the family and society.
Then back to the previous issue of recognition.
"For a long time, you have wanted to be recognized, but you don't say that when you were a child, it didn't work with your mother, and now, using the same method is not effective here in Xiaoxiao, so are you willing to try some new ways?"
I asked Haidong if he could ask Xiaoxiao directly: "If I do something you think is okay, I hope you can tell me directly, in that case, I will not run away." ”
I also took the opportunity to explain to Xiaoxiao the purpose of this: "If you understand him and approve of him, perhaps, he does not need to run away again, and the vicious circle of your relationship may be broken. ”
Xiaoxiao nodded, "I do." ”
I let them practice on the spot, for example, Haidong can accept the suggestion, agree to come to consultation, xiaoxiao has understanding and recognition of him? I also told her that what I knew was that it was difficult for many gentlemen to come to the consultation room. If so, how can I express it directly to him?
Xiao Xiao moved the chair and turned around, and I also signaled Hai Dong to move the chair and face Xiao Xiao face to face.
Xiaoxiao looked into Haidong's eyes and tried two or three times, and finally could express it in its entirety. Xiaoxiao took Haidong's hand and said emotionally: "I am very happy that you can agree to come to the consultation and be willing to make adjustments." I know you care about your son and I care about me, and I know that you're taking on a man's responsibilities to the family in the way you're used to. ”
I added, "Although it's a way you don't like it very much." Xiaoxiao nodded.
Haidong was a little unaccustomed for a moment, smiled, and said nothing. I've taught you here that list some formula-like sentence patterns and tell him how to start with "I" and express yourself directly within yourself:
"I see (hear) you...
I feel......
I think......
I hope......
If that were the case, I would feel..."
After some repetition, Haidong's expression has been very different: "I feel very happy to hear you say this, I am willing to pay for the family, I hope that in the future you can encourage me and recognize me more, and I also hope that I am stronger." If so, I would feel more confident and feel like a man in charge. ”
At the end of the consultation, they agreed to prompt each other with a pause gesture when needed, let the loop pause here, adjust their respective states, and make a new response.
In the process of their actual practice, I can't help but think that sometimes, two people who seem to be wronged and narrow, in fact, are telling each other in this way that each of us needs to be healed and has our own growth issues. When the time is right, to be aware, adjust, integrate, and make yourself more stable, in order to make the relationship more harmonious.
Qi Jia ShengYe Shuxiang was a book club at this time
Read "What Did You Bring into Intimacy" together
A good relationship between husband and wife can bring security and happiness to the child.
Author: Wang Junhua, Associate Professor of China Youth Political College, National Second-level Psychological Counselor, Satya Model Family Therapist, Double Master of Law and Psychology, Columnist of Marriage and Family Magazine, Special Expert of Happiness Study Club. He is good at psychological counseling and treatment of personal growth, family feelings, and children's school aversion. He is the author of "At That Moment, I Saw Myself", "What Did You Bring into Intimacy: Exploring the Inner Iceberg Using the Satya Model", and others.