Keywords: derailment, sansei theory, mission psychology
Q: Hello, my husband has a child with Xiao San outside, what should I do?
I read his chat history with Xiao San and felt that he really loved her, but it was never like this for me.
We have a little son, I don't know what to do, do we want to divorce them?
Without divorce, I feel bad about myself, and I am really going crazy: why do I love someone so much and get such hurt?
Cold Love Reply:
This case is very concise and very classic; when we see a story like this, we will feel very sad.
Because the heroine is like being in "Truman's World", the life she has experienced and experienced in the past seems to be fake, and in an instant, the sky has collapsed.
This collapse is not only an emotional breakdown, but also an all-round collapse of intimate relationships.
Therefore, it is very normal for the heroine to "not know what to do".
Because the heroine in this state, indeed, has been very hurt, we are also very sympathetic.
It is easy to criticize the man for being wrong with her, and it is easy to scold the scumbag and the like together, but after the emotions cool down, it is still herself who has to face life.
After all, children are still very young; how will they live the rest of their lives?
In the face of the question that life has asked her, how should it be solved?
Survival dimension
In terms of life mission, the first dimension of life is survival and reproduction; in this dimension, the basic need of human beings is security, that is, to survive.
Therefore, the best way to solve such infidelity is to use the weapons of law.
In this case, for example, if the husband and wife are visually in the marriage, if the other party has a child with a third party, they can observe whether the other party is living in the name of husband and wife, whether there is a possibility of committing bigamy, and so on.
If you don't know, you can seek help from a professional lawyer in your local area;
If you can't find a lawyer in your area who deserves your trust, you can also contact us for a recommendation.
But in any case, such issues should seek professional help, because this case is not only a matter of whether the other party is bigamy, but also the disposition of marital property if the other party has another child.
This is no longer a simple personal choice of whether to divorce or not to complete each other, but a choice involving the future life of two children.
How will this heroine's child be raised, how will it grow up, and how will it be guaranteed?
Just a momentary impulse, taking the practice of "divorce to complete each other", in addition to satisfying the desire to save the self, is unfair to the child.
Therefore, in the dimension of survival, this case is already a model of high inner volume.
It can be said that the current common value of the two families is a certain amount, and what the two sides grab is nothing more than the value of survival and reproduction.
To put it more in layman's terms, there is only one piece of cake, and the other party eats more, and you eat less.
Since the community of values has been greatly challenged, it should use all the weapons available within the legal framework to protect itself, which is a determination and action in the face of a high degree of infighting.
Dimensions of life
In terms of life mission, the second dimension of life is the relationship between the internal world and the external world.
That is to say, from the perspective of mission psychology, the core of the second stage of "using this life" is: how can a person become a person who can manage the relationship between the inner world and the relationship between the external world through continuous learning and self-improvement?
In this dimension, the basic need of human beings is to develop, that is, to live well.
In today's case, doing something should be legal, reasonable, and reasonable.
So if we look at it in a higher-dimensional framework, this case is not only law, but also reasonableness, and the essence of reason is relationship.
The heroine of the above story has a lot of room for improvement in her relationship ability.
This article is limited in space, but only the following three aspects of the problem-solving orientation to expand:
1) Awareness of relationships.
Judging from this story, the heroine has been acting in one-man shows in the past.
Because the other party has already had children with a third party, it means that the relationship has developed for a long time.
For example, it's like a person sleeping in her bedroom, waking up to see that the water has reached her ankles, the flood outside is terrible, and she is not aware of these external changes.
Therefore, whether the heroine wants to divorce or not, whether she wants to establish a new life, if she wants to continue to move to a higher level, she must improve her awareness.
This awareness does not happen overnight, it needs to be practiced constantly.
There are many specific ways to practice this awareness, for example, I often emphasize that meditating on Vipassana is very important because it is training one's awareness of the inner world.
If you are interested, you can leave a message in the comment area, and we will share more methods in the future.
2) Management of relationships.
A good relationship is not only the first dimension of survival and reproduction, but also the second dimension of both directions and reasonableness.
Man is not only a higher mammal, but also pursues the development of the human level, so each of us has evolved seven passions and six desires.
We are in a network of relationships all the time, experiencing different emotions in each moment.
The handling of these emotions will affect our management of the relationship.
For example, in this story, the reason why the heroine is so miserable is because she has a kind of jealousy and a kind of hatred.
She felt in the chat records she saw that her husband loved the girl very much, and this kind of love, she had never experienced.
Of course, this jealousy is completely understandable to us, because she has experienced such a painful betrayal .
However, in terms of business power, we must learn to get along with our emotions, and then rationally choose a better path for ourselves and our children, instead of doing things that hurt ourselves under these jealousies.
For example, she has a kind of anger towards herself and her husband.
She said, "Why do I love someone so much and get such hurt?" In fact, he is saying: "Why did my husband hurt me like this, and why did I not have the ability to deal with and control all this?" ”
Therefore, under such anger, she is likely to hurt herself and her children, because this anger will make people lose their minds.
No more examples, in short, this is a wounded woman, in the ability to run a relationship, rolling in the mood.
From the perspective of emotional relationships in both directions, the management ability of relationships needs to be improved.
Otherwise, even if you are divorced now, change a person, do not develop the ability to run in both directions, encounter contradictions is only a direct end, can not solve the real problem, but just a one-man show.
3) Creativity about relationships.
In this story, there is a classic plot: "Why do I love someone so much, but what I get is hurt?" ”
This plot is implanted from childhood to adulthood, perhaps the influence of the original family, perhaps the influence of novels, movies, TV series, or the influence of the people around them.
But in any case, this kind of plot implantation is involuntarily.
When we are not aware, we often fall into this automatic navigation mode without knowing it.
At the beginning of the previous chapter, we talked about a very understanding of the situation of the heroine, and indeed it was hurt.
But life is not today you feel hurt, tomorrow you can get what you want.
The real world is that even if I cry today, I will have to pay off my mortgage tomorrow;
Even if we've been hurt in a relationship, we still have to think about a series of questions after our emotions have really stabilized:
Why did you get into such a dilemma?
How can we get out of this predicament?
How can we create a better life for ourselves, for our children, for those who truly love us and care about us?
Why should we step out of the victim's plot mode? Because if a person always thinks that he has been harmed by others, it will be difficult for him to grow, and it will be difficult to get real solutions and liberation.
When we get rid of the victim role, we will find that the victim and the savior are often two sides of the same coin.
In other words, the victim is often a controller in the relationship, which is the intimate relationship story we often see.
And getting rid of the victim's mind gives us the ability to create a new plot.
In this story, for example, if the heroine can get rid of the victim, then maybe she will create a new plot:
The old woman finally does not have to serve you now, and now that the child has a new life path, she has dumped her husband. From now on, you can also enjoy the small fresh meat...
Of course, she doesn't have to choose that way, it's just an example, a new story mode.
My point is that only by creating a new story mode can one get rid of the past and no longer get caught up in the original story mode to automatically navigate.
Life dimension
From the perspective of life mission, the third dimension of life is to survive and live after life.
In this dimension, the basic need of human beings is to understand, that is, to live to understand: Who are you? Where are you from? Where are you going? Why did you come here in this life, and what is the meaning of your life?
When people reach middle age, we more or less encounter major challenges, common major diseases, workplace slides, entrepreneurial failures, and even the collapse of intimate relationships.
Such a dark moment can indeed cause great trauma to the person concerned.
But these darkest moments are also the best times that life gives us to understand.
Because many people will gradually approach the truth of life after truly accepting this gift, this is called "not broken, not standing".
If the "ego" of the past is not broken, and the automatic navigation mode on which we used to survive is not turned off, our lives cannot enter a full awakening, and the real moment of understanding will not arrive.
This depends on "enlightenment" and "awakening."
I will continue to help you better experience this process through video sharing sessions and offline courses.
Spending time with you through the dark and dark, not only to become a better version of yourself, but also to complete the true awakening.
The vast majority of suffering in life is caused by the inability to live in the present moment, to exist in a total awakening.
The darkest hour is the gift of life to us, and as long as we can open it, we will find that there is a huge breakthrough in life hidden behind it.
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