"My kids lied to me today."
"Today I cleaned up my kids' room and found a pack of cigarettes under the bed!"
"The teacher called me today and said that the child is always absent-minded in class."
Many parents will find some bad habits during their children's adolescence, such as lying, smoking, truancy and so on. In the face of such a situation, many parents are very angry and blame and question why they do this, but they do not know that it will backfire.
Adolescent children often do many potentially dangerous things, but they are not aware of these potential dangers when they do it, and often regret it after the danger occurs, and endure the parents' reproach of "how can things be so brainless".
Why can't I understand what my child is thinking anymore? Why can't you always get angry with them?
Based on 20+ practical experiences in school psychological counseling, the author of "18 Key Conversations with Adolescent Children" analyzes the psychological dynamics of adolescent children, teaches parents the secret of letting their children take the initiative to talk, and guides parents to create a supportive growth environment for their children.
Recommended reading
01
Children are small and can lie
Don't think that your children "will never lie", almost all children will lie, which is something that will happen naturally in their growth. As children grow, their lying skills become more and more sophisticated. Just like my son, although very innocent, he can lie without blushing or breathing. I have encountered similar situations in school, some children obviously seem to be very sincere, but they are lying, seeing their grievances, I sometimes even doubt myself: "Did I misunderstand them?" "Lying is not something to be encouraged, and lying too often is very bad for a child's development."
"In order to get rid of the bad habit of children lying, they have scolded, beaten, and even dragged to the police station near their homes, but the situation has not improved." Many parents think that as long as their children experience the pain, fear and shame of being beaten, they will not lie anymore, but this is not the case. Relying on force to stop the child's lying behavior is likely to make the child lie like the aforementioned student, because he wants to get out of the current situation quickly, and may even make up more clever lies, so that the parent-child relationship is more distant, and it is easy to become more rebellious.
Also, don't say things to your child like ," Lie now, what will you do when you grow up?" "As soon as you open your mouth, you lie." "You liar-talking guy!" Something like that. Because these words criticize not the child's lying behavior, but the child's "existence value", these negative words can not stop the child from lying, but also leave irreparable scars in the child's heart.
Solving the problem of children lying also requires the help of communication between the two sides. Parents constantly questioning why their children lie will only create a vicious circle in which children lie more. We should first confirm under what circumstances the child is lying, and only by first understanding the child's heart and trying to understand their behavior can we help them.
02
Why did your child learn to smoke?
For smoking, the child may say it's just out of curiosity or to remove stress. But to understand the real reasons why their children smoke, parents still need to find out the root causes of the annoyance or stress that make the child feel, such as family problems, classmate relationships, or discomfort with school life, and so on. Usually, most children's smoking behavior is caused by family problems, because the relationship with the family is not good, and they want to get comfort and a sense of belonging from their classmates, and cigarettes are the medium through which they build relationships.
Therefore, parents should not think that their children are brought bad by their friends to start smoking, they should first think about "why children want to stick with these children", and determine whether there are any contradictions between themselves and their children that need to be resolved, and understand whether they are affected by their emotions or because of the psychological pressure and burden caused by the high expectations of people around them. In addition, smoking can easily be accompanied by problems such as alcohol, drugs, sex, etc., so parents need to pay special attention not to take it for granted that teen smoking is just a small episode in their growth.
If you want to help your child quit smoking, parents need to pay more attention to their children, may wish to first confirm whether the child is forced or forced to smoke, and then find out the reasons that affect their smoking cessation. Remember that nagging, scolding, tightening controls, or crying will not only not help your child quit smoking, but will only cause them to resent more strongly and make them more resistant. In addition, do not expect the child to successfully quit smoking by relying on willpower alone, you must first reach a consensus with the child on the matter of quitting smoking, and find the motivation to quit smoking together.
If children like to exercise, they can use exercise to make them feel the decrease in lung capacity and shortness of breath caused by smoking; you can also let children know that smoking will not only make their teeth yellow, but also cause their height to grow by two centimeters less per year; and so on. In addition, if you can let your child go to the smoking cessation clinic with a friend for diagnosis and treatment, it will be better to quit smoking with mutual help. The process of quitting smoking is sometimes very long, parents must not be discouraged, to hold the "quit smoking is difficult, but will be successful, we will always help you" mentality, cheer for the child.
03
Tired of school because of stress, maybe you should nag less
"Tired of everything and just wanting to be alone. In addition to reading, although there are things I want to do, I don't have the confidence to do well, although my parents say that reading is more suitable for me, but I don't know if this is the case. ”
"Because when you are nagged about your studies, the day before your exams, when you are bored, when you feel very tired, you will have suicidal thoughts."
In elementary school, there are activities such as talent shows to recognize children's other talents, and there are many opportunities for children to develop their abilities. But after entering junior high school, many situations have changed, whether at home or at school, in addition to academics, other things are considered unimportant, everything is based on reading first, children will also find that "if the grades are not good, there will be no good looks, will not be treated warmly", and the burden of academics and grades has become heavier and heavier.
Children are usually overwhelmed by their studies, and if they are not ideal in the midterm exams, it is easy to lose their temper and cry because of some insignificant and small things. When we hear other parents say this, on the one hand, we feel that the child is pitiful (in fact, our own child has the same situation), on the other hand, we feel that if the child wants to survive in such a difficult situation, he must be prepared and become stronger, so he constantly tells the child, "Do you want to live so hard like us?" You should go to a good university, a good company, and a good life" "If you want to live the same life as us in the future, at least keep up with your homework."
As parents who want their children to live happily, we should carefully understand our own desires to confirm our attitude towards reading and exams. It is not possible for all children to have good grades, and grades are not used to compare with other children, but to let children know what they can achieve when they do their best, and the results that will result from not using work, so that they know how much effort they must put into achieving good results. And in this process, what parents should do is ask their children how they can help and help when they need help. If the child wants the parents to be by their side to enhance their motivation to learn, the parents should try their best to accompany; if the child feels that the parents will be monitored by the side, the parents are best to accompany them in other ways.