Min Xiaobian said
Winter vacation is a great time for parents and children to get along day and night, but it can also become a test of parent-child relationships. Many parents feel tired in the process of educating their children, and feel that they have tried their best with little success. In fact, there are many critical periods in the growth of children, and they should pay attention to ways and methods to get along with them, so let's read this article together.
Halfway through the holidays, I always hear parents say, "Every day there is a conflict with the child, I am so tired to manage this child, I don't want to take care of him." "Every time I hear this, I make waves in my heart, because when I say this and do this, the child's performance will deteriorate and the parent-child relationship will get worse and worse." Why?
First, saying this shows that management has gone through ups and downs
Parents who say this have gone through several stages of managing their children:
Stage 1: I don't believe I can't control you, and today I have to take care of you. At this time, we often feel that we are parents and can control our children, but as children grow up, their minds and physical strength are developed, and they begin to be out of the control of their parents. At this point, enter the second stage of managing the child: the child is too ignorant and too difficult to manage. At this time, parents find that they have exhausted all their methods, but with little effect, and the children still insist on their own views, and some even do the opposite, resulting in parents being unable to do so. So I started the third stage: this child is too tired for me to manage, and I don't care about you. At this time, because they found that they were powerless against their children, they had a deep sense of frustration, and their parents felt that they were poor in their skills and helpless against him, and finally simply gave up.
Second, saying this shows that we have missed the critical period of children's growth
When we say "I don't want to take care of it", in fact, we miss the critical period of guiding the growth of children, and there are three stages of rebellion in a child's life, the first is the baby rebellion period (2-3 years old), the second is the child rebellion period (7-9 years old), and the third is the adolescent rebellion period (12-18 years old). The third rebellious period, from the child's physical and psychological characteristics, itself is the most difficult, and we often do not pay attention to the first two rebellious periods, which will increase the difficulty of the third rebellious period. Because the child's self-awareness will be stronger, he prefers to work against his parents, likes to be different, and likes to pursue himself. The child enters the rebellious period, indicating that the child is growing up, which is the necessary stage for the child to mature.
However, because we do not understand the rebellious period of the child, we control the child and deny the child, resulting in the child not being developed in the rebellion, but always staying in the stage of opposing the parents, and even intensifying. Don't miss the critical period again, what we can do is not to say discouraged words, but - in thought: I am a parent, accompanying my children to grow, is my unshirkable responsibility, I will never give up. In action: I want to try to understand the growth rules of children, adjust my own education methods, continue to learn and change, and be a growth parent!
Third, by saying this, it shows that the parents are immature
When we say to our children, "I don't want to care about you anymore," this way of dealing with it is itself a manifestation of immaturity. So, what are the types of immature parents?
The first is emotional parenting. Such parents are not emotionally stable enough, and they are prone to lose their temper when they encounter problems, and they are easy to be angry. The second is the driven parent. This type of parent is strong with his child and pursues perfection, and once the child does not meet his expectations, he will feel that his efforts have been wasted. The third type is negative parenting. This type of parent will choose to escape when encountering difficult problems, they love their children, but they cannot become their children's reliance and role models. The fourth type is a rejecting parent. They are too busy or for other reasons to be in a state of laissez-faire with their children.
Children brought out by immature parents will be insecure. There are usually several manifestations: the first, attacking outward. They will show their inner pain, use rebellious ways such as skipping school, fighting, and bullying to attract the attention of adults, which on the surface is a behavioral problem, but in fact, it avoids inner pain, or looks for a way to affirm. Second, attack inward. Such children are often sensitive and fragile in their hearts, suppressing their negative emotions and attacking themselves. Third, the desire to be loved. Always fantasizing that one day will be loved, cared for, a little care of others is like catching a life-saving straw, such a child is easy to fall in love early, easy to be deceived. The fourth is the flattering personality. Superficially sensible and strong, the heart is fragile and hurt, trying to make yourself excellent, will make others satisfied, but dare not be the real self, such a child lives very tired. Fifth, repetitive construction. They will repeat the story of their parents, and the subconscious mind will find someone who is similar to their father and mother, repeating the parental model in educating their children and married life.
So, when we say this, in fact, we have become immature parents, many problems are not the fault of the child, but the problem of our parents, over time, it will affect the child's personality and interpersonal communication patterns, and even marriage and the future, which is the most serious problem.
So, what can be done to change this state of affairs?
First, be empathetic parents and understand children
When the child and we have conflicts, when the child and our requirements are contrary, it shows that there is no unity and no agreement between us and the child. So at this time, what we have to do is not to win the child, but to solve the problem, and the solution to the problem is: with empathy, understand the child.
Many times, because of different roles, the way of thinking is different. When we have a conflict with our children, thinking from the perspective of our parents is "I am your parent, I will not harm you", and from the perspective of our children, he will think like this: "I am so old, I can make my own decisions". When the child does not listen to the parents, the parents may think "I have crossed more bridges than you have walked", from the child's point of view, he will think that "the concept is outdated, can you change it". When the child goes against the grain, as a parent, he will sadly think "how the child is so ignorant", and from the child's point of view, he will think "you don't understand me".
The premise of empathy is a sense of truth. True empathy is not about what to do, but to stand in the child's shoes and truly understand his feelings and understand the psychology behind his emotions. This requires parents to truly accept the child's emotions, patiently observe what happens to the child, and listen carefully to what the child needs, so as to truly achieve emotional empathy. Feel yourself as a child, if it is me, how will I deal with it; rationally think about why the child does this, in order to think about the problem in depth and clearly; of course, it is also necessary to empathize with the expression, express the understanding of the parents, and let the child feel the tacit understanding and warmth of someone. Next, state the facts. It is necessary to state objective facts without emotion, rather than the emotional catharsis of parents. Finally, eagerly awaited. Because of the empathy in front, the child has felt understanding and respect, and has a sense of security, at this time to express expectations, in order to achieve effective communication, two-way interaction, win-win results.
Second, be a high-energy parent and infect your children
American family therapist Satya once said: "A person's personality characteristics, three views of life, spiritual character, way of thinking, and living habits are deeply influenced by the family and parents, and many are even decisive influences." "So, the energy in the parents affects the energy of the child."
There are high and low levels of energy. For example, when your child's test is not ideal, the low energy will say: What will you do after taking such a few grades? Those with lower energy will say: Forget it, anyway, this look can't go to school, I won't care about him in the future. And a higher energy will think: "It doesn't matter if you pass an exam, failure is the mother of success." And parents with higher energy will say: "This exam is just my bad exam this time, just to give me and my child a wake-up call, there must be a reason for failure, because I don't pay enough attention, from tomorrow onwards, every day to accompany and help children." "The energy of the parent affects the infection of the child and will be passed directly to the child, and at the same time, the child has his own energy. The energy of parents is equal to or less than the energy of the child, can not affect the child, only our energy is higher than the child, can really affect and infect the child. Therefore, we have to be high-energy parents.
Parents who are positive, optimistic and upward will pass on the energy of trust and safety, relaxation and warmth to their children; parents who are depressed, pessimistic and like to blame will transmit the energy of uneasiness, tension and pessimism to their children. When our high energy is enough to resist the negative energy absorbed by the child, then the child will also release positive energy, and between this inhalation and release, it can truly empower the child's growth, the child's spiritual world can be enriched, and the life energy will be enhanced.
Third, be a growth parent and lead your children
The times are changing, children are growing up, we can only keep up with the pace of children's growth by continuously learning, having a growth mindset, and being a role model for children for a lifetime.
To change children, we must first learn to change ourselves. Change our educational philosophy, change our ideological concepts, change our educational methods, when we change preaching into teaching, change control into respect, change negative accusations into affirmation and encouragement, change non-stop nagging into effective companionship, parents change, everything changes.
If you want your parents to change, you have to keep learning. Learn the characteristics of each stage of the child, learn and the child's effective communication methods, learn the topics that the child cares about, no one is born to be a parent, while the child grows, we also follow the child's growth and continuous learning, there is no naturally successful parents, only parents who continue to learn, are not afraid of the chaos in the process of children's growth.
When parents continue to grow, they can go in both directions with their children. When a child has a problem, it is also an opportunity for the child and the parent to grow up with each other. Because in the process of educating children, it is also the process of self-education and self-growth of our parents. Therefore, as a growing parent, you can always have a heart that is not afraid of problems and constantly self-motivated, and can you walk side by side with your children on the road of growth, so that you can raise happy children in the future!
Therefore, when we encounter problems, don't be pessimistic, don't be discouraged, be a mature parent, and truly "empower" the child's growth, rather than "negative energy"; add icing on the cake for the child's growth, not "add fuel to the fire"; become a noble person for the child's growth, not an enemy! I believe that the cultivation of parents is always on the road.
(The author's affiliation is Chongqing Jianshan Middle School Caijia Campus)
The author of the article | Wu Xiaoxia
WeChat editor | Zhang Luyao
Editor-in-charge| Tan Xi
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