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In the middle of Chinese culture, the so-called family kidnapping is precisely the sophistication of human feelings. Sometimes, we glorify kidnapping because we want to uphold the most important core part of morality and Chinese culture.
The most core part of Chinese culture is filial piety, and filial piety is actually one of our most important family kidnappings, but we dare not say this, nor can we say so.
I've talked about the three elements of control before: guilt, fear, and responsibility.
How do we resolve the family kidnapping, from the three elements of control, that is, what things will make you feel guilty, what things will make you afraid, and what is your responsibility?
Here, we need to be clear about what are the two most important functions of the family for us?
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The first function of the family is to give us a sense of belonging.
When I was alone in Guangzhou, the work was very hard and busy, and I was very lonely. Back to the residence always have to go through a pedestrian bridge, at that time my feelings are particularly large, because one side of the pedestrian bridge is the old city, on the other side is the new city of Zhujiang New Town, I see that the lights of the buildings on both sides are different colors, and so many houses with lights, there is no feeling similar to home, my heart is empty, and even some loss.
The function of belonging to the family is lost, because there is no home, so I do not know where to belong.
Why many men in China are now reluctant to go home, more often than not, the family does not give him a sense of belonging.
Men have to work hard in the male world, and maybe when they work hard, he will have some feelings of loss, frustration or powerlessness.
But the man has his responsibility, he has to support the family, then in this second, the adult collapse erupts.
There was such a thing in the subway in Nanjing before, and a man drank too much and cried in the subway. After his wife received the call, when she ran to the subway to pick him up, the man's first words were: "Wife is sorry, I didn't let you live a good life." ”
His wife was fine, and at that moment she squatted down to comfort him, and then took him home.
In this scene, we see the collapse of a grown man, but also the responsibility of a gentle woman, and the love for a man.
Why don't men want to go home and have no sense of belonging?
From here, we can see that when they don't seem to fulfill their responsibilities or fail to fulfill their responsibilities, and think that they are not doing well enough, they do not even have the opportunity and courage to go home.
Of course, it would be better if he could stay at his parents' house for a while, but he was afraid that his own original family would have such a demand on him.
For example, if you ask him to get ahead and ask him to contribute value to his original family, then this man will be in big trouble.
This man can't go back to his original family, the nuclear family can't enter, then he will become a lone ghost.
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Another function of the family is the independent function, which allows children to be independent from primary school.
I often say that a father gives his child a kind of ability safety, what is ability safety? It is that you have all the independent abilities, which is called ability security.
A person who does not have the ability to feel secure, he cannot be independent, he will definitely rely on it.
Rather than talking about how to resolve the kidnapping of family affection, it is better to think about whether we rely on some aspect of family affection.
In fact, it is difficult for us to be independent and do not have the courage to be independent, but because we are particularly dependent on family affection.
Before, the parents of a college student often gave him all kinds of advice, and if he did not listen to his parents, his parents were still angry, making him very passive and powerless.
He asked me, "How can I be less concerned about my parents' opinions and suggestions, and I can have the courage and ability to decide things on my own?" ”
I asked him, "Do you still want money at home?" ”
Then he said, "Of course you need to." ”
I said, "Does the money your family give you make you feel that life is still good?" ”
He said: "Yes, my parents are very stingy about giving me money, if I need money, I can definitely ask them for it, even if sometimes my parents reject me, as long as I play tricks, they will give me money." ”
I said, "One day, when you stop asking your parents for money, and you don't need to get it from your parents, you can stop listening to their opinions and suggestions, and you won't feel like they're controlling you." And the reason why you feel like they're controlling you is probably because you need them a lot. ”
Because we are dependent on our parents, it is easy to be controlled.
On the other hand, when we are actually reluctant to be independent, we prefer to stay at home and abide by the order in the original family.
To put it simply, I have been away from my hometown for many years, but when I return home, some elderly uncles and aunts still call me nicknames, and the impression in their hearts is still the way I was when I was a child.
I'm the same way, I still call them the same way, sometimes talking about my teenage years, and I seem to be back to the same state I was.
The same is true for our families, no matter what we do, when we get home, we will definitely go back to the same pattern.
We may see some videos about some bright and especially foreign people, once they return to their hometown, within a few days, they go out without washing their hair and wearing cotton jackets.
In fact, when we return to a state, we will live in that way. The same is true of kinship kidnapping, which is more about making us feel forced back into a pattern we didn't like before, nothing more.
About the author
Hu Shenzhi is a relationship psychologist. One of the 50 most influential psychologists in China.