Literature/learning is the treasure of the body
In the film Perfect Stranger (Italian version), the plastic surgeon says at the end of the film: "Our relationship is fragile, everyone is, and some people are more vulnerable." ”
He wants to warn us in intimate relationships not to test human nature easily, and not to try to understand all the secrets of our partners, unless the other party is willing to reveal them.
In fact, to manage intimate relationships well, in addition to the need for "secrets" between partners, we must consciously "not do" these three things, because vulnerable people cannot withstand such harm.
In today's article, we will talk about these three things in detail.
1. When there is an argument between partners, do not attack the family of origin
Teacher Wu Zhihong, a well-known psychologist, said: "There are boundary problems in all relationships. ”
Boundary awareness, which says "I am me, you are you, and there is a boundary between us." The same is true of partners, and there are boundaries, the most easily violated of which is psychological boundaries, because many partners think that you love me, and you can accept whatever I say, or that since we are in love, even if I make a mistake, you "should" forgive me.
It is understandable to think so, but everything has a "degree", do not be excessive, and the dispute between partners and attack the original family is excessive.
Because loyalty to the original family is everyone's instinct, even in intimate relationships, the partner is more important than the respective original family, but when it comes to the original family, we also need to be extra careful.
For example, when the wife argues with her husband, she says, "You look at you, as stupid as your mother", and the other party is more angry most of the time than when she hears "How are you so stupid", and this is because the original family is his boundary, in his opinion, the wife not only denies herself, but also denies my mother, which is difficult for him to accept.
It can be seen that if there is an argument between partners, try not to involve each other's original family, it will be very hurtful, and this is the first thing we should not do.
2. Get along with partners and don't compare themselves to their exs
We all know that love has uncertainty, so many partners and incumbents are basically exs, and people like to compare and compete, coupled with curiosity, many people especially want to know about their partners' emotional history.
The important reason is that we want to judge whether we are the most special one in each other's hearts, and we also want to know whether the other party really loves themselves, and this is actually to compare with the ex, which is also detrimental to the current emotional state, which is the second thing we don't want to do.
First, this practice of always mentioning the partner's ex will violate the psychological bottom line of the partner, because the previous relationship may be the pain of the partner and is unwilling to talk about it again;
For example, the girlfriend is always pestering the boyfriend, wanting to understand how his last relationship was abandoned, what the boyfriend will think, it must be uncomfortable, even angry.
Second, comparing ourselves with our exs will ignore the management of our current feelings, because our attention has always been on others, not on ourselves;
Just like a girl who is not very confident, she learns that her boyfriend and ex-girlfriend once had a good relationship, so she always looks for a place where she is not as good as her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, the more she finds the more inferiority, the longer the time, the more she can't believe that she is good enough, and it is also worth being loved, which will naturally affect the current relationship.
It can be seen that when the partner is reluctant to mention the ex, we should not talk too much about it, and some things that we do not know are better.
As the well-known psychological counselor Chen Haixian said: "In fact, I don't think that in a relationship, honesty is the most important thing. Knowing how to protect each other's relationships is more valuable than honesty. ”
In addition, we should not compare ourselves with our exs, because we are unique, and we are different from others, and since the current chooses the current self, it is enough to show that we are good.
In fact, not comparing with the ex is also a manifestation of our self-confidence.
3. When arguing between partners, do not put "break up" on your lips
American psychologist Judith Wright pointed out in "How to Quarrel Properly": "Love is inherently full of all kinds of discordant sounds. This will help you understand the role of quarrels in intimate relationships and why. ”
This shows that quarrels between partners are common, and that quarrels can promote the promotion of feelings, which is called benign quarrels.
However, some partners' quarrels, if you put the "breakup" on the lips, it is very likely to destroy the relationship, which is the third thing we don't want to do.
Because that is a threat, and threat means control, coercion, no one likes to be treated like this, so when we want the other party to meet their inner needs, learn to speak out calmly.
For example, a wife feels neglected because her husband is always out for socializing, so she angrily says "If you come back so late, we'll get a divorce!" "Husbands with high emotional intelligence and strong self-control may be able to realize that the wife said this in the hope that he would accompany her more and help her share the housework, but if he was replaced by his husband, he was likely to be very angry, felt that he was very wronged, and worked hard to make money outside, the result was not understood, think about it, the next result is likely to be "divorce is divorce!" And this is the emotional hurt caused by the angry words of both sides.
Some people may say that two people quarrel in a hurry, how can we communicate well, but I want to say that as adults, we have the ability to control our emotions, and we should also learn to control our emotions, because the consequences of emotional loss of control need to be borne by ourselves.
Write at the end:
In fact, the above three "don't" things are related to "boundaries".
That is to say, no matter how intimate the relationship, two people also need to maintain a good boundary, because "intimate and intimate" is the best state of the relationship.
As Teacher Wu Zhihong said: "Only by forming a clear sense of boundaries can you guard your own boundaries and interests, and you can also respect the boundaries and interests of others, which together are the basis of healthy interpersonal relationships." ”
So, as a partner, see the importance of boundaries to maintaining intimacy, and don't cross them.
Some people may say, what if you meet a partner who likes or is used to crossing the line?
Here, I introduce several methods for your reference:
First, learn the "resoluteness without hostility" as a way of communicating.
Resoluteness without hostility is proposed by Kohut, the founder of the autopsychology school, which means "I reject you, my attitude is very resolute, but I am not hostile."
For example, as mentioned earlier, when arguing, always attacking the original family, or always comparing with the ex, or wanting to know the current emotional history of the partner, the other party can use this communication method to let them know "I reject you, do not want to be treated like this by you, my attitude is very firm, but I am not hostile."
Second, learn to start small.
That is to say, if we encounter a partner whose sense of boundaries is very weak, we can try to start rejecting in small things, and after a long time, if the other party really wants to maintain a good relationship, they will naturally feel that their approach is inappropriate, and then change.
Third, try not to be carried away by the emotions of the other party and respect the facts.
For example, when encountering a partner who breaks up when there is a quarrel, we must be calm, see the facts clearly, discuss things on the facts, and not be carried away by his emotions, so that slowly he will change.
In fact, many times, people who say "break up" in their mouths do not want to really break up, they want to let the other party "see" themselves in this way, but this way is not that everyone can catch it, because it is too hurtful.
In short, in intimate relationships, we must understand the fragility of people, the fragility of relationships, which will not allow us to easily cross the line, and then protect the relationship.
End of this article
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