01
Reader's Letter: Hello Teacher Kai Zi, I had a failed marriage at the age of 34 and did not have children.
Last year I met my current husband, who is 5 years older than me, also had a failed marriage, had a daughter in his ex-wife, we felt that each other was good after half a year of getting along, and then got married.
When I got married, I proposed to ask for a dowry of 100,000 yuan, and his family felt that I was married for the second time and was unwilling to give, which made me feel very sad, and finally after consultation between the two sides, I finally gave 60,000.
The wedding day is also relatively simple, that is, the two families have eaten without any ceremony.
Because these things made me feel very uncomfortable, I felt that his family looked down on me, and we had a lot of quarrels since we got married.
Every time I quarrel, I hope he can come and coax me, but he is always impatient, and he is not willing to coax after saying two sentences, and his attitude makes me even more angry.
What I actually want is very simple, as long as he can care more about me, care more about me, love me a little more, it is enough, I don't know why he can't do it, or he doesn't want to do it at all?
And every time he argues with me, he doesn't want to talk, and as soon as I see that he doesn't talk, I am more anxious, and I will say something ugly to irritate him.
When he got angry, I was afraid he would leave me and I would apologize to him.
Sometimes I feel like I love him, sometimes I hate him, I think he's deliberately torturing me.
I can't figure out now whether it's my own personality or his personality that has a problem, and why we're so unhappy together.
I slowly became disappointed in the marriage and wanted to divorce, but I also knew that I was not young, and my parents always said that no one dared to marry me after I had been divorced twice, and I felt that I still had feelings for him.
The reason why I quarreled with him was because I wanted him to love me a little more, but I always couldn't get his love, and I was also very entangled.
Teacher Kai Zi, I don't know what to do now, I want to live well, but we don't have a week without quarreling, I really don't know how to live well, can such a marriage really be maintained?
02
Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, from your message, I can see that you are not only sensitive, self-respecting, and very insecure.
When these qualities are combined, they will form a characteristic, that is, "lack of love".
In addition, you said at the end of the article that your parents did not agree with your divorce on the grounds that "you have been divorced twice, and no one will dare to marry you in the future." ”
It can also be seen from here that when you were growing up, your parents paid little attention to your feelings, and maybe they would have all kinds of requirements for you, but they did not ask whether you wanted such an outcome.
A person who lacks love, her growth process is either without the patience of her parents, or by the parents with strong and brutal control, which will lead to her only one goal, but do not know what way to meet and achieve this goal.
It's like her parents will ask her to get good results, but they don't teach her how to do well, they don't have patience to tutor, and they don't help her analyze the reasons for the bad test, and if the test is not good, they will punish and strike.
At this time, she will feel that there is no direction for effort, and failure brings pain, so effort is an abyss, and failure is also an abyss.
How did this pain and helplessness make her suffer?
After growing up in such a state, she will reflexively feel that she is not good, bad, low-value, and so-called insecure.
In other words, what she lacks is not just love, but also tolerance, understanding and guidance.
This is why you will feel that his family looks down on you because the other party talks to you about the bride price.
In your cognition, they talk to you about the bride price, and the absence of a marriage ceremony is a denial of you, making you uneasy, anxious, and even degraded about the relationship.
Once you've decided that you're being degraded, you'll start to be defensive, and you'll start to make up for your lack in the relationship by asking for love.
That's why you quarrel so often, because for you, quarrels are meant to get his attention, to get his attention to you.
But his concern for you can't meet your need for love? You will feel that he is not coaxing enough, but how exactly does he coax, how to treat you, you will be satisfied?
Maybe you don't know it yourself, and you don't have the answer in your heart.
Think about it, is it that you have too many expectations of love in your heart, and in the past your parents could not meet your need for love, even including the debt of your feelings in the previous marriage, you hope to achieve it through this marriage.
These demands are eventually passed on to him, and in your opinion, he is your husband, the one who chooses to marry you, so he has to be good to you unconditionally, and he must be good to you.
This is why many people who lack love, the more they lack love, the less they will get it.
Because no one exists to make up for the shortcomings of your life, you can invite him to work with you to mend the missing parts of your life, but you should not require him to have an obligation to complete your life.
Each of us should know that the meaning of our partner's coming to your life is to enrich each other, and although we have become each other's dependence, we are still independent individuals.
Once we want the other person to fulfill our needs, it becomes an unbearable weight in life.
Finally, back to your question, how do you live well and whether you should maintain your marriage.
I think you should ask yourself if you want to live well, and whether you want to maintain this marriage, only if you want to, you can change.
And change must be painful, you need to change your perception of intimacy, can give you these suggestions:
1, learn to understand a little more
When you put forward a demand for him and he cannot meet it, you may wish to think in a different position, if the person who made the request at this time is him, are you willing to accept it, and can you meet it?
2. Learn to speak out about your feelings
When it's uncomfortable, you replace arguing with expressing feelings, and you think that arguing can attract his attention and make him care more about you, but in fact you have verified that this way is wrong.
So if you continue to do this, the result must be the same.
When you need him, you can try to say what you need for him.
Of course, you still need to overcome self-esteem problems before you do this, and you need to know that expressing needs to your lover is not a sign of cowardice and incompetence, but a way to communicate and promote intimate relationships.
3. Society calm
Your husband doesn't talk when he argues with you, it's that he's calm, you can also try to be calm.
Both sides can calm down and avoid unnecessary disputes and contradictions.
Don't feel that calmness is that he is cold and violent to you, and proper calmness is the best way for both parties to avoid conflict.
4. Learn to collaborate
There are any problems that can be solved through negotiation, our lives are not black and white, and there is a middle ground.
Try to prioritize each other's feelings in everything and change the idea that I'm going to do it to, and we can both do it.
When you pull the problem from yourself to the community of the two of you, you will find that the relationship will turn around, and many things may turn out differently.
I know that in life, there are many girls who will encounter such similar problems, in a relationship is obviously love, but the more love is worse, do not know where the problem is.
If you are also in such a crisis, you can send me a private message and I will tell you what to do and how to improve the relationship.