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Reader's letter: Hello Teacher Kai Zi My daughter is 24 years old this year, talked about an object, we are very dissatisfied.
This man is 173 in height, weighs 170 pounds, and my daughter is one meter seven, which is really not right.
But they have already lived together, and the man's side has been urging marriage, but the man does not ask for money.
I don't want them to be together, my daughter is very stiff with me because of this man, the home is not back, the WeChat phone calls are all ignored, and when I mention this matter, it is like touching her reverse scales.
I am this one daughter, do not want her to be wronged in the future, our family conditions are very good, this man wants what is not, how do I ease this relationship with my daughter and break up the two of them by the way?
Kai Zi replied: Hello, most of the things I have received are asked by my children, my parents oppose what to do, and few parents ask me how to break up my children.
I think this is a good question, let's look at the fact that marriage is opposed by parents from one more perspective, and we can also understand the parents' thoughts from this case.
From the gap between these two issues, it has not been found that parents and children sometimes stand on the opposite side of marriage issues.
In the eyes of the child, her thoughts are:
"It's my own marriage, I'm an adult and I have the right to choose my own life.
My parents have to care about me everything since I was a child, saying that it is for my own good, if it is really good for me, why not respect my choice.
They're not me, and it's not good to know me.
And why do they say that it is not good is not good, I don't care, there is no money what does it matter, parents are so snobbish, we are still young, no money we can work together, earn money together! ”
In the eyes of parents, their thoughts are:
"This is my child, I raised so big, how I have no right to speak, besides, I am also for the good of the child, I eat more salt than the child eats, the child is disobedient, sooner or later will suffer losses."
Men have poor conditions, no money is not OK, living a life where you think so simple, we are people who come over, know that there is no money how hard, you have not experienced the hardships of life, do not know that chai rice oil and salt are expensive, expensive. ”
From these two different ideas, it can be seen that children want to have the right to make choices for their own future, while parents firmly believe that their children's choices are wrong.
Of course, it is undeniable that parents are older than their children, have rich experience, and will have more accurate judgments about feelings and life, but this also reflects the distrust of parents in their children.
The parents could not accept that the child who had grown up from feeding, teaching to walk, and teaching to read and write was now grown, and she could no longer need herself.
Parents still use the past to teach her, guide her mentality to deal with the child's emotional problems, in your eyes she is in love, choose the object of these also need adults to teach, she will not.
To say that this is not the love of parents for their children, it is undeniable that this is indeed the deep love of parents, but the problem here is that you feel that it is love, in the eyes of children is control, and the sense of love and control here is blurred.
Let's look at it from another perspective, you think this boy is not worthy of your daughter, whether it is the appearance, family, income is not appropriate, then do you have a standard, what kind of son-in-law do you think your daughter should choose?
Maybe you will say that at least one who is more handsome and has better family conditions.
Well, when these external conditions can match, what about the internal conditions? What do we call the Three Views? How to fit the three views.
That's why a lot of kids don't want to listen to their parents and choose a mate because you haven't asked her what she really likes about the boy, why she has to marry him, and what are the advantages of the boy that attract your daughter.
You are not willing to listen to your daughter's voice, and you do not want to understand the reason why your daughter firmly chose him and start to oppose, is this not control for her, is not it that you want her to be obedient?
But the days are your daughter's own life, even if she chooses the wrong person, it is up to her to bear, she feels that she has the ability to bear all this, why should she obey. Moreover, the basic principles of the law also stipulate that no one can interfere with the freedom of marriage of others.
Then as a parent, you may also feel wronged, really because you love your children and feel sorry for your children, so what do you do? I give you four pieces of advice:
1, put away your opposition posture, replaced by a caring attitude;
2. After carefully understanding the voice of the daughter, analyze the pros and cons with her, and give her some references and suggestions with her own experience;
3. Discuss future life planning with her, ask her what she thinks, and how to deal with economic problems in the future;
4, leave the problem to her to let her think for herself, and finally respect her decision;
Only in this way, when your daughter feels the love of mom and dad, she knows that you are not on her side, you are not trying to control her, but you just want her to be cautious and rational and give her enough choice. She doesn't need to use marriage as a weapon for herself to resist being controlled, and then she will seriously think about whether this man is really suitable and whether he has the ability to bring happiness to herself.
Otherwise, what she is thinking about now is not her own future at all, but how to fight against you.
And after she failed in the fight with you, she went home and the boy comforted her, her comparison, or the boyfriend understands her, cares about her, her parents will only force her and hurt her.
So you say, does your daughter choose a boyfriend or listen to her parents?
I also want to say a very common phenomenon, in the face of children's marriage and love problems, some parents are not satisfied with the children's own choice, but when the children do not choose, they are anxious to start urging.
Parents with such a mentality should ask themselves: Do you want your child to be happy, or do you want to control her happiness?
Returning to your last question, asking me how to break up the two of them, I sincerely hope that you can change this idea, because breaking up is not love, but hurt, which is typical of manipulating in the name of love.
Even if you can really use coercive means to prevent them from being together, and your daughter did break up with the boy, did you ever think that your daughter would be hurt? And what about your daughter's relationship with you in the future? Are you afraid she will hate you?
Or you haven't thought about these problems at all, you don't care at all whether your daughter will be hurt, whether she will be sad, you don't worry about whether she hates you or not, anyway, she is your daughter for a day, she can't escape your Five Finger Mountain?
So if you haven't thought about these questions, and you haven't considered your child's feelings, why should she consider your feelings?
If you don't even have basic care for your children, how can you be considered love?
I think there should be many cases of parental opposition in life, welcome to tell you about your views on this mother who wants to break up her daughter and boyfriend, what do you want to say to this mother?
If you have the same troubles as her daughter, you can send me a private message, and I will tell you whether your parents love or control, and whether the feelings that your parents oppose, whether they can continue and how to continue.
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