01.
Reader's letter: Hello Teacher Kaizi, I have been paying attention to you for a long time, I feel very objective when I see your answer, I have also encountered marriage problems now, and I hope to get answers from you.
I've only been married to my husband for a year, the kids are 7 months old, and we've had a relationship problem lately.
I found my husband and one of his female colleagues very close because he was a humorous person and many people liked to chat with him.
After I saw it, my husband deleted the chat history with the female colleague, and I had a big fight with him, saying that he was afraid that I would be too careful.
But I think if you haven't done something wrong, why delete the chat history.
My husband also made an excuse to say that it was because female colleagues sent a lot of work materials and photos, so they deleted it.
These words made me feel angry.
The other day he went on a business trip, came back to see that he had a strange number on his mobile phone, and called several times, at twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, it was two or three minutes.
I called over to be a female pick-up, which I guess could be a small card stuffed by the hotel.
I asked him what was going on, and he actually said that he wanted to understand how people tricked people into jumping.
How can I believe this reply, I am really angry, so angry that I can't sleep, teacher, you say what I am going to do, how to deal with it.
Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, to say that the call of the small card in the middle of the night is to understand the immortal jump, this I also have a hard time believing, if I am you, I think it is difficult for me to accept his explanation.
But there are only two choices for marriage to encounter such problems: 1, break up; 2, communication repair, choose trust.
How you choose these two depends on whether you are willing to trust your husband, or whether he is still worthy of your trust in your heart.
If you feel unworthy and cannot be trusted, then there is no point in maintaining this marriage, and only if you think you can still be trusted, then we need to discuss it.
At the end of your message, you ask me how to deal with it, not if I want to leave, and I believe you still want to maintain this marriage.
Your message says that you are married for one year and have children for seven months, and from this timeline, you can see that the two of you are married by a fengzi.
At this stage, you are not only newly married, but also just parents, these should be very pleasant things, the feelings of both sides are still in a relatively strong stage, but so soon began to quarrel.
I don't know if it's because you're getting married too hastily, didn't know enough before marriage, and didn't have a solid emotional foundation, which makes it difficult to build trust between you.
Because there is no trust, you will want to look at his phone, and because you see the contents of his phone, you will start to guess and think wildly.
Of course, you may not feel like you're guessing because you don't believe he's innocent.
But you know, if you don't want to believe him at all, it means that your marriage may be a cycle of contradictions and quarrels.
So I often advise both men and women, whether in love or married, not to look at each other's phones.
If you don't find anything, the other person will feel that you don't trust him and let him down with each other's feelings.
You find something, you will be unhappy, and finally torture yourself, but also torture the other party.
In the cases I've worked on, there are a lot of cases where speculation and skepticism end up happening that wasn't there, and it turns out.
The reason is also very simple, because your speculation and noise will make the other party have a depressed feeling, and want to find someone to talk to, which is not equivalent to pushing your lover into the other person's arms.
Here I also say two psychological characteristics that do not dare to believe each other:
1. Lack of confidence leads to inability to trust
The suspicion between two people, on the surface, seems to be that you do not believe the other person, but in fact, you yourself do not dare to believe that the other person will be loyal to you.
That is to say, in this relationship, you may be extremely unconfident, because you are not confident, so you need to always understand the dynamics of your husband, can not give him independent space, and need to be able to control everything.
But do you know that men do not grasp you tighter and closer to you, on the contrary, men are clutching tighter, the more they want to break free, and eventually they will be farther away from you.
2. The inability to trust due to limited thinking mode
I found in the consultation that many girls with serious suspicious diseases have a very extreme thinking mode, belonging to the "catastrophic thinking" mode, everything is easy to think badly, very pessimistic, and like to scare themselves.
For example, you think that your husband and female colleagues chat with a leg, but in fact you do not have the actual evidence, you can not see anything, but you are willing to think in the bad way, rather than think that the husband may really be talking to female colleagues about work.
You see, this mindset is also one of the reasons why you can't trust your husband.
My advice is to adjust your mindset and ask yourself these questions:
1, why do you not dare to believe your husband;
2) Is your biggest concern about your husband cheating, or are you going to face life alone?
3, what do you want your husband to do before you can re-establish trust;
4. Is it possible for him to do your request?
After thinking about these things, communicate with him well, and solve the problem together, rather than questioning and accusing on the opposite side.
After all, quarrels can never solve the problem, the more you quarrel with yourself, the more angry you are, which will cause great harm to yourself because of distrust, and will also have a bad impact on children.
If you are like her because of the inability to establish trust in your partner and constantly quarrel, contradictions, you want to improve the marriage but do not know how to start, you can privately believe me, I will help you analyze the root of the contradiction, tell you how to make adjustments, how to harvest a happy marriage.
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