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Letter from the reader: Hello Teacher Kaizi! I'm also a big fan of yours and especially love listening to your stories.
I have been married for 7 years, although the relationship with my mother-in-law is not good, but I have always felt that my husband can be good to him, and he is also a happy feeling, so I have always been able to insist on each other.
But recently I suddenly had an uncomfortable thought in my heart, that is, I felt that my previous ideas were all wrong, and I felt that I had married the wrong person.
In the past, when I was with my husband, he was also very lazy, and he was also grinding and rubbing things, but he was afraid that I would do it when I was angry, and he would also tell me everything.
I have basically not used his money since I got married, and I gave 100,000 yuan to buy a house a few years ago.
Since I was pregnant last year to the current baby 1 year old, half a year ago I did not go to work to take the baby after the due date, I took care of the family at home, frugal, and with the baby also earn extra money, half a year time is not much, but it adds up to more than 10,000, but also enough for me to use.
Of course, I didn't say anything about this, but I found that the whole family seemed to think that I hadn't gone to work to eat their family, and my husband had become less like before, and he had come home late, and he didn't do housework, and the children didn't pay attention.
I felt depressed in my last two days, and I felt that in this family, except for the children, everyone else was an outsider.
And I am like a nanny to serve the small and the old, the husband's incomprehension to engage in my idea of divorce has appeared several times, you say that such a marriage is not worth it at all?
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Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, I can understand the grievances in my heart, but you have been married for 7 years, before the birth of the child, you and your husband are living well, and you say that you still have a feeling of happiness.
But why do you suddenly feel so badly after the birth of your child?
Let's see if your marriage has really reached the point where you have to divorce.
Then I will analyze everything you have described to me.
1, the husband is very lazy, doing things grinding and rubbing
But he will be afraid that you will be angry, and here you can see that he actually cares about your feelings.
As for your saying that he is lazy and grinding, this I mentioned in the course, there is a big difference between men's and women's attitudes towards housework.
Women feel that one thing to do must be done immediately, and men have different ideas, he will feel the same after a while and then do the same, so there is a difference between the thinking of men and women.
Therefore, tell you a method: after things are arranged, you can agree with him on a good time, as for how he does it, how long to do it, don't interfere.
2, buy a house you gave 100,000
If the house is your marital common property, living together, then as part of the family, both husband and wife have the responsibility and obligation to pay the money.
Unless you buy this house with your in-laws' name written on it and have nothing to do with you, you can complain about the 100,000 whites.
It can be said that in a marriage, if a woman is grumpy about the contribution of common property after marriage, she always expresses a kind of expression, I am a woman, I should not pay for a house, I am helping you and supporting you, then the marriage will inevitably be affected.
It should be said that in a marriage, no matter who goes to the other party to calculate their own efforts, it will cause harm to the other party, just like now you feel that the in-laws are calculating with you.
After all, a good marriage is one of two people working together, not both parties.
3, you have not used your husband's money
Here I will have a question, why don't you use your husband's money? Is he unwilling to give it to you, or do you never want to?
Because I don't know your specific situation, I said a similar case I encountered some time ago in consultation. It was also a wife and I who complained that my husband gave me less money, regardless of the children, and wanted a divorce.
She said that her children have to go to various extracurricular tutoring classes, from kindergarten to the second grade this year, it costs tens of thousands of dollars every year, and her husband has not given a penny, nor has he picked up once.
This year, she felt unbalanced in her heart, to sign up for an English class for her children, she had to pay more than 10,000 yuan, asked her husband for money, and her husband said incredibly, why is it so expensive.
This made her very angry and aggrieved.
I asked her: Have you consulted with your husband before enrolling your child in tutoring classes?
She said no, and I asked you why didn't you ask your husband for money before?
She said that she had a good income and could afford it, and when the child was a child, her husband did not agree with her son to go to too many tutoring classes, so in order to avoid contradictions, she did not say it.
I asked her again why she was saying it again?
She said that because the child is older and the cost of studying is now higher than before, she is beginning to feel difficult. The main thing is that she is psychologically unbalanced, and she is not a child alone, so why should she pay and contribute.
Did you hear that there was a problem here?
Why her husband did not give money to the child's tutoring class was because she did not want to discuss with her husband and did not want him to interfere with her decision.
That is to say, it is not that her husband does not give money, but that she has never asked for it for so many years, and she has never communicated positively with her husband about her children's participation in extracurricular training.
She hoped that she would not say that her husband could take the initiative to express it, but her husband had not expressed his position for so many years, and these resentments accumulated in her heart year after year, and finally broke out.
But can this situation be said to be the man's unilateral fault? I don't think so.
In the end, she realized that her problem was that her self-esteem was too strong, on the one hand, she felt that she could, and on the other hand, she did not agree with her husband's concept of parenting.
To put it bluntly, for so many years, she was unwilling to deal with this problem head-on with her husband, and the two sides never communicated well.
I suggested that she try to discuss with her husband about the issue of the child's extracurricular class and the division of responsibilities between the two sides in the child's education funding.
A month later, the relationship between her and her husband was significantly improved, and her husband took the initiative to pay for the training fee of her son's English class, and she also promised that she would be approved by her husband to apply for extracurricular classes in the future.
Could it be the same thing, with strong self-esteem, that makes you reluctant to allow yourself to express your financial needs?
4, the husband has become less like before
The changes between husband and wife are actually synchronized, and the only reason why a man will suddenly become reluctant to go home is that he will be nagged, accused, and criticized when he returns home.
Because he didn't want to face this, he didn't want to have unnecessary conflicts, so he didn't want to go home.
You feel like a nanny who has to serve the old and the young, and you say so as if his parents are doing nothing at home and waiting for you to take care of them.
Is that really the case? Didn't their family really take care of you and let you suffer so much grievance?
From the 3 points I said earlier, it can be seen that you are a relatively strong woman in the family, and you may have a strong desire to control your husband, and you emphasize your own efforts in this family, and you very much hope to be doubly recognized and rewarded.
Well, this is probably the main reason why your relationship has come to this point, and it may also be because of your personality, so you and your in-laws are full of contradictions.
Finally, I will answer you, is such a marriage not worth it?
We recommend that you consider two aspects:
1. Whether it is worth it or not is mutual
The fact that you think he's not worthy shows that in your heart, this man's kindness to you isn't enough to balance what you're giving to him.
So if his kindness to you, or his efforts in the relationship are completely denied, he may also have the same thoughts as you: "Is this marriage worth it?" ”
That is, when you feel that he is not worthy, he may also feel that you are not worthy.
2) Do you think you can have a better life after divorce?
I always tell people that divorce is easy, but what you have to consider is, can divorce really solve the problems you are facing now?
Can divorce really make your life better? Or is it true that you are eligible for a divorce?
Divorce is an easy thing to do, and every day someone will consult me whether I want to get a divorce or not?
I would like to ask yourself, have you thought about your plans after the divorce? Do you really think that divorce will solve all problems?
I hope that everyone can think clearly before making a decision, if you are like her, you can't make a decision on whether to divorce or not, you can privately write to me, I will help you analyze in detail, to avoid you from making a regret decision.