We often think that a bad childhood experience will bring harm to the child and affect his future growth and life.
To be the perfect parent and give the child a perfect family seems to be the wish of parents all over the world.
However, I heard that the Psychological Counseling Center receives many "problem" children (including teenagers and middle-aged people) whose parents are impeccable and have perfect families.
They did not have an unhappy childhood, had a happy family, and even had a career life in adulthood that seemed quite superior to outsiders, but they had to face a psychological counselor.
They have insomnia, wandering, fear of making mistakes, inability to stick to their choices, sometimes feel that they are terrible, always feel that there is a huge hole in their hearts, cannot maintain good "intimate" relationships, and so on. Most of these visitors experience emptiness, confusion, and a lack of purpose.
Where are the problems with the absence of indifferent fathers, reproachful mothers, and other laissez-faire, demeaning, disorganized caregivers?
Are these visitors suspected of whitewashing? But in the end, it turned out that no, many of them will still have a worship of their parents: "parents are so considerate", "parents are impeccable"...
The child is confused, my parents have been so good to me, why am I still unhappy and unhappy?
Parents are even more confused, in order to provide the right parenting for their children, they are exhausted, while children grow up with a series of psychological problems, always in counseling to complain of feeling empty, confused, anxious.
Through psychological counseling, they realized that parents have given everything for their children, and what they think is "perfect" is not perfect.
Guangzhou heard about it psychological counseling center
Senior consultant Ms. Tan Suyi explained
▼ Meticulous parents deprive their children of the opportunity to grow
Many parents will do everything possible to prevent their children from experiencing even the slightest discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment. When children grow up and face normal setbacks, they think that things have gone seriously wrong.
These parents pay too much attention to their children's emotions and activate protective mechanisms at all times. Regard children's sadness, anxiety, etc. as a flood beast, and do not want or refuse to let them face these emotions alone.
When relatives and friends die, they will choose to use lies to explain, can't bear to let them face death, and don't have the courage to make them realize that birth, old age, illness and death are a natural cycle.
When a child tripped over a stone in the park, just fell to the ground, and before he could cry, some parents would swoop in, pick up the child, and start comforting. This actually deprives children of a sense of security – not only in the playground, but also in life.
If you don't let your child experience that momentary confusion, give him a little time to understand what happened ("Oh, I fell"), let him grasp the frustration of falling, and try to get up on his own, he will not know what it feels like to feel uncomfortable, and he will not know how to deal with trouble in life later.
In the long run, such children will have weak independence in the face of anxiety. Once exposed to certain seemingly normal uneasy emotions, it is easy to amplify and fall into anxiety.
Moreover, due to the "happiness" given by parents before, it is easy to lead to a decrease in their happiness in adulthood, and more is a decrease in happiness acuity.
Children who grow up in such "shade" do not have the opportunity to develop independent life skills, and will encounter difficulties in work and life in the future, and even lose their own lives. All this may be that parents are too perfect and conscientious, depriving children of the opportunity to grow.
We have all made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, and children are no exception. In fact, childhood is a training ground where children make mistakes, learn lessons, learn experiences, and develop coping skills and resilience.
Allowing children to experience appropriate restlessness, failure, falls, and other important experiences is not only a good way to help them learn and grow, but even the best way. Such early experiences will gradually evolve into healthy patterns of behavior in the future.
▼ Give to children in the name of love and put children in the cage of love
Freedom is very important to the child, and freedom means that the child's spiritual embryo can be fully developed, and that the child's will is respected, and that he is allowed and encouraged to move towards self-actualization and make his own choices for his own life.
In life, many parents help their children in a big way, take care of their children everywhere, take the initiative to distinguish right from wrong for their children, want him to take fewer detours, worry that he will be injured a little, but the result will make the child more weak, lack of self-care ability, and always face frustration when encountering difficulties, which is bound to affect the growth of children. If he is not even allowed to do small things, then how can a child withstand so many ups and downs when he grows up and enters society?
There is a saying called "mother's love is a bond", which refers to the fact that mothers ignore the needs of their children's development and only nurture and care according to their own wishes.
When one is happy to think that children will enjoy all "high-class" treatment, they do not know that the pursuit of freedom is human instinct, and such meticulousness is actually depriving freedom and preventing children from developing abilities and personalities appropriate to their age.
▼ The fallacy of good parents: Give your children everything they lacked in childhood
Such parents seem to have no problems on the surface, which is nothing more than providing their children with everything they lacked in childhood, if conditions permit, so that children can grow up in the best possible environment. However, this degree is important.
There is a mother who usually likes to buy various dresses for her daughter, so she knows the salespeople in the surrounding clothing stores.
The salesman was curious and asked: Does your daughter particularly like to wear skirts?
My mother said: When I was a child, my mother never let me wear a skirt, and I didn't want my daughter to be restricted, so I would buy it for her whenever I saw it.
She is satisfying the child, obviously she is appeasing the unsatisfied self in the past.
And what about her daughter? Would you like your mother's way of "showing love"? The answer is often no, this mother once complained that her daughter does not know how to cherish it, and has the bad problem of wanting anything when she sees it.
The reason is actually related to her own excessive material giving and lack of real spiritual companionship. There is a saying in the West: the best toy for children is mom and dad.
A parent who knows how to interact with his child, can "see" his child, and understands his child's inner needs, whether he buys toys for his child or not, the child will be very satisfied and happy.
▼ Really understand the meaning of love and be a 60-point parent
What is love? According to Rogers, love is deep understanding and acceptance. Then, on the contrary, if we fail to understand and accept the child, and are eager to impose our will on the child, this is not true love.
Giving "temperance without excess love" does not mean that the nutrients necessary for the child's growth are missing.
"Imperfection" is the best state, always leaving a blank space for new opportunities.
60 points parents, no more, no less, not tired, just right.
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation