(1) Being betrayed, how to choose is painful.
It's painful for marriage to encounter betrayal, and it can be even more painful to try to make a choice when it comes to betrayal.
It's not easy to let go of years of marriage and stay away from the person who has made you miserable; letting go of marriage means cutting off the life that you are already familiar with and used to.
In this process of renunciation, there is your own emotional reluctance, there is the entanglement of consideration for the child, and there is the worry that the state of life and material life will change.
From which one of them, ending a marriage is not a very easy choice, and the process of ending a marriage is bound to make you suffer a lot of results that you don't want to face, pain, and fear of not being able to control your future life.
If you can't let go of marriage, you can only try to let go of the pain of betrayal, but for you who are betrayed, it is so unwilling to forgive the partner who betrayed the marriage.
Unwillingly, he devoted himself to the marriage with all his heart, and always expected him to be equally dedicated and loyal to the marriage, but he betrayed the marriage and betrayed the feelings between the two for many years.
The betrayal of the partner is still a ruthless failure, an unfair treatment; and the re-acceptance of the partner means that there is a risk of being betrayed again.
In a marriage that has been treated less seriously, allowing yourself to forgive again is equivalent to enduring unfair treatment and may be hurt again.
So it's hard to choose, and it's painful to choose to let go or forgive.
Therefore, how to face betrayal and how to help yourself away from the pain of being betrayed seems to be a difficult problem.
(2) In the face of betrayal, how to choose will hurt, so do not make a choice?
In my visits, I often encounter some situations where I have encountered betrayal because of marriage, and after suffering a lot of pain in my heart, I have generalized to lose confidence in marriage and emotions and in my future life.
What could otherwise be just a problem with the marital relationship that causes you to be in pain, unable to invest in all possible emotional lives, and to your own future life, may be a more serious and worse outcome.
Compared with the results brought about by making choices and the difficulties that need to be faced, you lose the power to manage life and believe in happiness from within yourself, and the results that need to be faced and borne become more uncontrollable, and the pain that needs to be endured will be more and longer.
The result of generalization can be said to be from the state of "the relationship problem makes me very miserable" to the painful state of "the marriage encounters betrayal, and I will never be happy again".
In such a state, it is usually difficult for you to make a choice, and you usually make a choice in your mind not to make a choice.
What kind of choice is it to not make a choice?
From the perspective of the form of the marriage relationship, not making a choice is neither divorce nor forgiveness, and the marriage seems to continue, but it is difficult for the couple to be a couple again.
From the perspective of the betrayed person's inner feelings, not making a choice is an escape, avoiding the reluctance and fear that divorce may bring, and also escaping the unwillingness and risk of being hurt again.
If you don't make a choice, you don't have to face the turmoil of divorce; if you don't make a choice, you don't have to invest in your partner again, and if you don't invest in feelings, you don't care if he betrays again, and you don't have to worry and suffer about it.
It seems that if you don't make a choice, you don't have to bear the corresponding price behind the choice, and it seems to effectively help yourself avoid the problems you don't want to face, and it seems that you don't have to bear too much pain and entanglement.
However, in the choice of not making a choice, the pain you endure is more hurtful and diffuse, making relationship problems a difficult life problem for a person to overcome.
(3) If you want to get rid of the pain of betrayal, you must understand a truth.
Without making a choice, you don't have to bear the corresponding price, you can keep yourself in a safe and familiar environment, but in this environment, there is no love and happiness.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory states that when an individual's physiological and safety needs are met, the needs of the third layer will gradually become stronger, that is, the need for love and belonging.
The need for love and belonging, including emotional connection, including acceptance, including the happiness of feeling that one's emotional needs are met.
If this need is suppressed and unmet, the individual's own state cannot go to the next level, and many other needs and thoughts of life cannot be satisfied and completed.
When you don't make a choice, you may get stuck at a certain point, although you don't have to face the cost behind the choice, but you also let yourself bear or endure a lot of unclear emotions.
If the need is not recognized and satisfied for a day, the emotions endured will accumulate one more day, which is internal friction.
Internal friction can cause pain to constantly be overdrawn inward, as mentioned earlier, by losing the strength to believe in emotions and life, which can be many times the cost of making choices.
Making choices is to bear some external results that make you dissatisfied, and what you lose without making choices may be your own "initiative", which is the necessary force to create happiness, pay love to win love, and live your own life.
Therefore, if you want to get rid of the pain of betrayal, you must understand a truth:
In the face of this betrayal, whether you want to make a choice or not, you must take the initiative to choose; and no choice is perfect, each choice has benefits for you, but also the costs and risks you need to face and bear;
You need to let go of the expectation that you can make the rest of your life as expected by making a choice, or not making a choice.
If you find it hard to make choices that can make your life bad, realize that it's not the choices that make your life better or not better, it's yourself.
(iv) To deal with betrayal, you need to choose a direction for yourself, and then equip yourself with all the "equipment" and go all out.
Whether you make a choice or not, when you struggle with "how to choose so that you can make yourself less miserable and not face a bad life", you ignore your own wisdom and ability.
Hoping to make a choice, or not to choose, let the outside create a satisfactory state for itself, is a passive state; this passive is prompting the neglect of oneself, but also prompting the lack of one's own independence.
From this point of view, what you need to do is not only to make a choice, but to optimize yourself in the direction of wisdom and ability:
First of all: if you have a hard time forgiving betrayal and you want to leave the relationship, but you are trapped in a relationship from emotional and financial dependence, you need to target the ability to improve your independence.
Externally you have to improve your financial independence, and internally you have to be able to divert your emotional dependence.
Moving from relying on your partner to being able to rely on yourself, and then to being able to trust new feelings, is a sign of your own emotional independence, and it's something you need to try to accomplish before making a choice.
Second, if you don't want to give up the marriage, but feel that your partner's betrayal makes you very unwilling, you need to know that your direction is not to let the other party make up for your unwillingness with actions (the betrayer of course needs to work hard, but it is not your primary focus).
You need to face the problem of "wanting and not wanting", you have to learn to choose, but also to learn how to "protect" yourself.
This may require you to be aware of the pattern of intimate relationships and make adjustments, and it may be necessary to be aware of your patterns in emotional relationships and make adjustments, so that you are more capable of managing intimate relationships and managing the emotional relationships you need.
Beisu summed up: You are the root of everything, how to choose in the face of betrayal, or not to make a choice, is a choice for you, the more you retreat, the more you expect to let you make a better choice through external conditions, the more you will allow yourself to retreat to a more painful situation, bear more and more painful costs.
Your proactive choice is not necessarily an immediate choice, but allows you to consciously come out of the confused state, develop your own ability first, and when you are fully equipped, the path you want to choose will be better.