Happy marriages are similar, unhappy marriages have their own misfortunes.
Before marriage, most people would naively think that as long as they have love for each other, they can join hands until they are white-haired. But the real case tells us that those divorced couples also had love at the beginning, but in the end they still went to a strange road.
The reason for this may be difficult for even the parties themselves to explain clearly. Divorce does not mean that you do not love; separating is a good choice for everyone. Since being together will hurt each other, it is better to let go and leave.
There may be some young couples who do not understand, they will think that since there is love, how can they be willing to be separated. It can only be said that they are still too young, the road of feelings is too smooth, and they have not experienced too many life tribulations.
Some truths require time and experience to understand. Just like the steadfastness of youth, thinking that to maintain marriage, it is enough to rely on love. It wasn't until after experiencing the twists and turns that I realized that the original idea was too simple.
Especially when people reach middle age, their thinking about marriage will be deeper. When you are young, you may not think too much about it, just thinking about whether the person in front of you is a sweetheart, which is enough.
But life is not just love, can go smoothly. She also needs other things to support, such as money and charisma.
Some couples leave their hearts not long after they get married. The reasons are different, some because of the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, some because of the gap between money and wealth, and some because there is indeed a crack in the relationship.
However, it is not the reason for the separation of love, but the value between husband and wife, which has changed. To be precise, your personal charm is long gone.
We all know that good feelings are evenly matched. Maybe at the beginning of the union, you are on an equal footing, no matter how much you are, but after many years, one side will always lag behind the other.
If such a gap does not last long, the harm to marriage is negligible. But in reality, it continues to widen the gap. It feels like you're struggling to run forward while someone is dragging you behind you.
Such a tired relationship, even if there is love in the first place, will be eroded by reality little by little. Middle-aged people are particularly touched by this, they do not believe that sentient beings can drink water and be full, they only believe in the steadfastness and stability of having grain in their hands.
Today's marriages, mostly unhappy, to put it bluntly, the channel between husband and wife, there are problems. What you care about and value, the other party doesn't care, and even thinks you're being arrogant.
Just like some couples, the reason they divorced was only because the husband always couldn't change it and wanted to throw soot into her flowerpot. Some people may find it incredible, but the reality is that it is often the inconspicuous little things that break up marriages.
We must understand a truth, the quality of maintaining marriage, as well as long-term problems, can not rely on love. Because love is like water, it is a dynamic process, sometimes, it will boil and roll, and it will also be cold into ice.
What really determines the quality of feelings is not love itself from beginning to end, but us who are in it. People do not understand until middle age that it is not love that maintains marriage, but these three things.
1. Value
Any feeling, at the beginning, is intended. Behind people's coveting is value. Of course, this value varies from person to person, some people may be more materialistic and want to have a place to live; some people, more pursuing, want a lover who works together.
No matter what the initial purpose is, we must have a sense of distress, do not feel that after getting married and having a baby, you can not think of making progress, do not create value.
The value of this is more broadly defined. It may be making money to support the family, or you can give a loved one a feeling of stability, which is your value.
Many marriages, the reason why there are problems, their fundamental lies in the value of each other, is not as equal as the original. In other words, the value that was originally valued can no longer be satisfied.
Just like some people, rush to the house to get married, but after getting married, she has a new pursuit, she wants a worry-free life, and you don't learn any tricks, you only know how to kill time all day.
You don't have much value to her at this time, so she will start to complain, and even belittle you, saying that you are inferior to so-and-so around you.
If you don't want to be separated from each other, you must have a sense of distress, have a plan to enhance your self-worth, never get by and live, live a pursuit, and be positive and sunny, in order to continue to exude personal charm.
2. Trust
If the value mentioned above is to make both husband and wife grow, then trust is a good glue. In reality, the vast majority of couples have a certain emotional foundation and are also valuable to each other.
It's just that these two things alone are not enough, and if there is a problem with trust, then married life will also be shaky. How much human ability is, often the crisis is how big.
Looking at the vast majority of families, the division of labor between husband and wife is often male and female. Men are running and tired outside, women are in the rear, cooperating with each other, and the days can be prosperous.
But some women, Xu is too sensitive, may also be not confident enough in love, they are always a hundred uneasy about their husbands who go out all year round, and they are suspicious of ghosts all day long, thinking that he will betray the marriage at any time.
Such paranoia, how many men can stand it. Even if it is okay at first, it will choose to give up on itself because of such indiscriminate slander.
Married life, just like the two sides are pulling the leather band, can not always be tight, need to relax with a degree, when it is time to loosen, otherwise the last to be hurt, is the one who refuses to let go of you.
Especially after people reach middle age, the trust between husband and wife is particularly important, many trivial matters are already annoying enough, if even this bit of trust can not give each other, then you really do not need to be together.
For two people in love, suspicion is the greatest damage to feelings. We must learn to trust in order to have the opportunity to repair the feelings that have been cracked in the past.
3. Communication
Many couples are overconfident in love, mistakenly believing that between each other, they can rely on one look to understand. It is true that there will be such a tacit understanding during the hot love period, but after getting married, such a tacit understanding is no longer difficult to have.
At this time, communication is particularly important. Some women, who have been wronged by their mother-in-law, never say that a person is sulking alone, and it will be good to rely on her husband to guess or coax.
If the number of times is too much, even if the man who loves you again will feel that you are unreasonable and will not be distressed and considerate.
Although it is good to maintain a girl's heart, but also to divide the occasion, for middle-aged couples, they shoulder too much pressure, and do not leave too much time for those close to them.
If when men need support and encouragement the most, you are making unreasonable trouble, or even complaining that your husband does not love you, clamoring for divorce, in order to threaten each other and achieve the purpose of caring about you, it is too childish to do so.
Between husband and wife, in addition to the values and trust mentioned above, communication is also particularly important. When there is a problem or a conflict, find a way to communicate, rather than let it go, throw it aside, and eventually it will backlog up to crush your marriage.
It is not the last straw that crushes the camel, but every one of the past. The same is true of married life, we must understand that it is not love that keeps marriage, but the three things of value, trust and communication.