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War and Peace: "When no one says 'no' to you, you don't grow up. ”
When someone says "no" to you, it's not necessarily all malicious. When others kindly advise you, point out your shortcomings, and help you correct your shortcomings, they will also say "no" to you. Only by knowing how to capture this kind of goodwill can it be conducive to their own growth.
Even if others maliciously deny you, it is not a bad thing to look at it from another point of view, because it can help you test whether you have problems. If it's okay, it means that other people's words are all nonsense, and you can be better yourself.
This is not only the awareness that "self-education" should have, but also the guiding ideology that parents should have in educating their children. When the child does not have the ability to educate themselves, parents should spend more thoughts, otherwise the child will become uncultured, and the parents will be blamed.
The problem of her in-laws' family mentioned by the following reader is the above kind of problem, let's take a look at it together.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
Many people have said that I am a good person to get along with, praising me for being able to get along with anyone, and I have always been complacent about it.
I think that after getting married, I can definitely have a good relationship with my in-laws. I think it's definitely much easier for me to treat them like family than for me to get along with outsiders.
However, this was not the case, or rather, my previous life was too narrow, and I was exposed to people who were easy to get along with. My in-laws have problems with which I have not been exposed.
My sister-in-law, after I married my husband, had to move to our house, bluntly saying that she did not want to live in the old house, saying that living in such a broken house made her feel humiliated, and she was usually embarrassed to invite friends to the house.
I thought to myself that she was at the age of vanity, which was a common problem with adolescent children, and whenever it happened, it was very generous to let her live in our house.
I thought she would only occasionally invite friends to the house, or call friends to come to the house on birthdays, but I never thought that her so-called friends were friends of the opposite sex, or more precisely, boyfriends.
She always brings her boyfriend home for the night, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. What makes me even more unbearable is that she is particularly diligent in changing boyfriends.
If she's in a normal relationship, talks about a boyfriend with good manners, and just comes to our house during the day, I won't say anything. But her approach really made me unable to accept it, and I felt that as my sister-in-law, it was necessary for me to do ideological work for her.
She was very impatient, thinking that I was nosy: "My parents don't care about me, why do you care about me?" What qualifications do you have to control me? Don't think of yourself as an outsider! ”
I was stung! I didn't expect a child of her age to speak so harshly and meanly, and to pick people's sore spots.
I said I was not qualified to manage it, but: "This is my home, and since you live in my house, you should respect me." I don't like your unselfish style, and I don't want the previous thing to happen before my eyes again! ”
With a look of contempt on her face, she sneered and said, "This is my brother's family, you are not qualified to drive me away, it is you who should roll!" "After saying that, I went away, and when I closed the door, I used all my strength, and I was so angry that I was trembling.
I thought she would somewhat relent, but I didn't expect her to become more or less intense, as if she was deliberately trying to get over with me, and the more I didn't let her do anything, the more she wanted to do.
I kept holding back and not getting angry, and I never told my husband because I didn't want to destroy my personality. But there was a limit to my patience, and in the end I couldn't bear it, and I ordered her not to do anything more, or else she would get out of our house.
She began to sharpen her mouth, and said a lot of vicious words, so angry that I gave her a slap and told her to pack up her things and roll quickly.
She was not convinced, and called my old announcement: "My sister-in-law beat me, you hurry back to beat her up for me, otherwise I told my mother, then you all don't want to have a good life!" ”
My husband didn't come home for many days because he was busy at work. But this matter he felt was not trivial, and hurried home.
The little sister-in-law wicked man sued first, saying a lot of words that were unfavorable to me. But my husband didn't listen to her and asked me what was wrong.
He immediately asked me to cry, and I felt so wronged. As I cried, my sister-in-law sneered at me: "You beat me, and you still have your face crying, it's really not ashamed!" ”
My husband said to her, "You deserve to be beaten, but if you were me, you would beat her harder!" There you go! Go home and complain to our mother! I'll go back and pick you up again! ”
She was gone, but soon returned, with her mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law came up and punched her face and asked me why I beat her daughter, I really couldn't stand this endless trouble, my spirit became very confused, just vaguely heard my husband arguing with my mother-in-law.
The general content of my husband's words was: "You are willing to spend more time disciplining her, what kind of ghost do you see her now?" Her problem doesn't come up right under your nose, and you think she's okay? You indulged her in this way, not to love her, but to harm her! If you don't discipline well now, you will be disciplined by others in the future, and if you really cause any trouble, people will still blame you in the end. The child is not educated, and the main responsibility lies with the parents. If you teach your child well, others bully your child, you and others are not too desperate; but if you do not teach well, blind protection will only make people laugh! ”
I was both angry and touched at the time, angry that my mother-in-law actually took care of the short, and what touched me was that my husband would definitely be a good father. He was right, the child is not educated, the main responsibility lies with the parents, and I don't want my children to become like sister-in-law. This incident made me feel the need to do my homework in advance to prepare for future parenting, and I didn't want my children to be called uncultured, that would make me sad.
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
As a parent, if you do not strictly discipline your child, your child will grow crooked and will be disciplined by others. When others discipline, they are often not soft-hearted, and parents may realize their mistakes at this time, which may be too late.
It is better to discipline your own children, and it is better to scold yourself than to let others scold. If you educate your child, your child will not suffer losses in the future, and there will be fewer obstacles on the road to growth, and you can also be very worry-free.
On the contrary, you are reluctant to discipline, or do not bother to discipline, the child is taught by outsiders, you will definitely be distressed. This kind of heartache hurts more than the heartache that comes with disciplining your child yourself. Moreover, if the child runs into trouble, it must be that you pay the bill, and the older the child, the less you will worry about it.
As parents, when educating their children, we must understand that strict kindness and kindness cannot just be coddled; coddling is not love, but a poison that induces the ugliness of human nature.
Also, don't be smart enough to think that your child is different from ordinary people, and you can become a lot of things without discipline. It is better not to be so blindly optimistic, because in the process of children's growth, they need to go through a stage of mental imperfection, if they do not get the correct guidance at this stage, without the help of parents, it is easy to go astray.