The "Radical Method" educates anxious children

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Why are some people prone to anxiety in adulthood, always unconfident, and very sensitive to other people's views of themselves? This is related to the education of childhood.

Li works in a government agency. Because I feel that the leader has a bad impression of me, I become anxious and nervous. The result of anxiety is that things are more likely to go wrong, and things can never be done, so she walks into the counseling room with a suppressed emotion.

Parents who love to use the "radical method"

Li mou works outside alone, only in the New Year will go home once, the reason for leaving home is to want to stay away from his mother. If Li Qing did something wrong, or even if she didn't do anything wrong, parents would compare their shortcomings with the strengths of other children. This made her very unconfident.

Although she knew that her mother loved herself too much and was too worried about herself to do this, she did not like her mother to treat herself like this, and whenever her mother said that she was not good in front of others, she would always walk away silently. I remember when I was a child, my mother took her to the neighbor's house to visit the door, always praised other children, and said: "My children are inferior to whoever is." Something like that. Although it had been a long time since this incident, she would often think about it. She said: "When I was at home, I didn't dare to be too happy, because my parents would say that I was not good, and there were still many places that I couldn't do, etc., so as soon as I graduated, I chose to go out of town, hoping to be far away from home." ”

Guilt lingers within

She can now finally live independently on her own, and she can finally get rid of her mother's "radical method" of education, but the nightmare still seems to be not over. For work and life, she does not want others to judge her, and sometimes wants to leave all people to wander.

When she is at work, she always thinks a lot, worried that if she does not do a good job, her colleagues will look down on her and laugh at her; when she rests, she cannot completely relax, because she will remember what her mother said to her: You are still very poor, how can you relax and be happy? Therefore, Li Qing will have a strong sense of self-blame.

Finally she cried and said, "I feel that I can never make them (my parents) happy, it will always be a burden on them, maybe it is a mistake to be born myself." Maybe I have always been a burden to others, maybe the parents of another child will be happy. ”

Clinical diagnosis: The improper use of the "radical method" leads to inner anxiety

At present, Li has not reached the level of anxiety disorder, but it has affected her normal life. And all this stems from her parents' "radical method" of education, which makes her inferior.

Her self-evaluation is also shaken, and will be excessively affected by the people around her and the environment. All her choices and life are related to her parents, and all her efforts are for their affirmation, and she can't really pay attention to her inner feelings.

When a child is young, he often looks at himself through the "eyes" of his parents, and the education method of Li's parents' "radical method" is intended to make her do better. But under this extreme demand, it is counterproductive, Li mou in the eyes of her parents to see only the failure of herself, as if everything she did has not satisfied her parents, and happiness is also seen by her parents as a kind of complacency, so her only happiness is also deprived, and when she is happy, she has to carry a heavy sense of guilt.

Life for Li can only be a kind of suffering with no end in sight, no hope, because everything he does cannot be affirmed. When this feeling of not being affirmed became stronger, she became more sensitive to denial, and finally she showed caution at work and was afraid in life.

Parenting advice: Let your child develop a good sense of self-identity

Self-identification is a feeling of "I am born to be useful", but self-identification itself is not innate. Newborn babies don't even have self-awareness, and certainly no self-identification. The maturation of consciousness is a long process. Developmental psychology proves that a child's behavior, which is recognized and affirmed by others, especially parents, leads to a positive accumulation of behaviors, and self-identification cannot occur until the judgment system is formed.

Encouragement and praise are the driving force for children to move upwards

In the period of 4-6 years old, it is a critical period for children to conduct self-evaluation and form a sense of self-identity. If a good sense of self-identity is not established during this period, not only will childhood be spent in depression, but it may be seriously saddled with a sense of failure for a lifetime.

5-year-old Hua Hua feels that her father is very strict, and her requirements for herself are even more strict. Once, because Hua Hua had done a wrong math problem, her father asked her to do all the math problems ten times, in order to let Hua Hua remember the lesson and avoid repeating it next time. Another time, Hua Hua got three small red flowers, and happily ran home to tell her father, but did not expect that her father not only did not praise her, but said: "Ning Ning got 5 small red flowers, why did you only get 3?" Hua Hua felt sad, sullen, and increasingly reluctant to speak.

There is nothing wrong with the idea of Huahua Dad, the rules really need to be established from an early age, and the learning habits need to be formed from an early age. But how to establish and cultivate, harsh and harsh is not the only way. Everyone wants to be recognized and affirmed, especially children, and the praise and encouragement of parents is undoubtedly an excellent driving force for children. When a child's good behavior is affirmed, they tend to exhibit those behaviors again. That's why we say " good kids are exaggerated " . Parental praise will make children feel that their parents like, identify and accept themselves, which is not only conducive to helping children build self-confidence, but also increases children's sense of security.

Find the balance of love

Don't use love as a reason to blame the child, love is important, but the way of love also determines the outcome of love. Finding a balance between coddling and harshness is the art every parent should learn.

The toddler wants to take a toy 10 meters away, the mother read his intentions, she gently looked at the baby next to him, and encouraged the baby to say: "Baby, the mother knows that you can go over to get the doll, you see that you are getting closer and closer to the doll." "The baby stopped and walked, and fell down once, and it took half a day to get the doll." The mother applauded and cheered for him, and the baby was particularly happy.

More important than the purpose of getting the doll is to complete the process independently. Sometimes, in the process, he will wrestle, or even fall, resulting in frustration, but after all, in the end, he completed this process of self-exploration independently, which led him to believe: "Although I was frustrated, I achieved my goal on my own." ”

Parents who know true love will respect their child's independent choices instead of doing things for their children. Parents who are accustomed to doting may not see their children "suffering" or are unwilling to let their children add to the chaos, so they do not give their children the opportunity to explore independently, but help them do various things. Love is important, but the way you love sometimes determines the outcome of love. So finding the balance of love is the art that every parent should learn.

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