Author: Creative Group Wooden Man
A well-known writer once said: "The thought of being a parent without having to go through an exam is terrifying." I take this sentence very seriously.
If parents need to take a test, the score is the only criterion for passing, so that the parents are all qualified parents.
Now because there is no unified exam, there are more and more unqualified parents.
"People's Daily" once summarized a self-examination form for unqualified parents' behavior, please compare them one by one:
1. Give special treatment to children
2. The child makes a mistake and protects him in person
3. Pay too much attention to the child
4. Easily meet unreasonable requirements
5. Allow children to be lazy
6. Beg your child
7. Substitution
8. Make a fuss
(9) Deprivation of independence
10, afraid to cry
We expect to be qualified parents, but sometimes we accidentally fall into the ranks of unqualified parents.
Tolstoy said: "Loving children is what old hens do, and the key is how to educate." ”
On the way to educating children, be a qualified parent, please avoid these pits.
Toxic mouth, habitual negation belittles the child
Psychologists say: "Good parents have a zipper on their mouths and never speak to their children as they please."
The toxic mouth of the parent makes the child's heart ache.
The scene of Zhou Bingkun arguing with his father in "The World of Man" pierced the hearts of many people.
At the New Year reunion, the father took the whole family out to visit the New Year, and everyone praised the eldest and second eldest who were admitted to the university, and never mentioned zhou Bingkun, the younger son who took care of the family more.
Zhou Bingkun was sad, but silently endured, at the station to send his father, the two quarreled, and the father said something: "Say that you take care of your mother who has sequelae of cerebral thrombosis, take your sister's daughter, and raise someone else's son?" ”
"Let you go to college, can you get in?" Your grades in the class are always counted backwards. ”
Unexpectedly, his responsibility and kindness were paid, but his father was secretive, so Zhou Bingkun left with anger and did not communicate with his father for many years.
When they met again, the father and son were open and honest, and Zhou Bingkun cried: "If you don't comfort me, you sprinkle salt, what is difficult to hear what you say, where it hurts you to buckle."
That scene of true emotion crying opened the hearts of many people.
It's just that in the play, they finally reconciled, and in reality, how many people's lives have been scarred.
See the story of a netizen:
Because she was often denigrated by her father since she was a child, she always lacked self-confidence and was very inferior. Many people advised her father not to always hit her, in fact, she had a lot of shining points. When Dad heard this, he came home and scolded her.
In college, the teacher talked to her father and told her not to always say that the child was not OK, but the father insisted that she just couldn't do it.
In fact, although she has poor introverted language expression ability, she has written a good article and has won awards in national competitions. Even so, Dad still saw only her shortcomings and ignored the advantages.
Now, under the blow of her father's denial and depreciation, she increasingly feels that she is worthless, and at the age of love, many excellent boys confess to her that she feels that she is not worthy of each other, and rejects them one by one. At the age of 37, she has never been in love.
There is a psychology: the prophetic effect of self-fulfillment, in short, is that you can do it, you can do it, you can't do it, you can't do it, you can't do it.
The denial and depreciation in the mouth of the parents is like a tight curse on the child's head, accompanied by "you are not good" and "you can't do it", the child naturally becomes really bad;
Another example is the Five Finger Mountain pressed overhead, which has been associated with inferiority all his life. Let you study unconfidently, work is not achieved, and even marriage events only feel "I am not worthy", gradually reduced to waste firewood, parents unqualified mouth is the biggest culprit.
The mouth of the parent determines the child's future path. The negative words in the mouths of parents may destroy the vibrant green shade in the hearts of children; the words of positive encouragement in the mouths of parents can achieve a child's life born of the sun.
Language should be a tool to warm each other, should not be a weapon to hurt the child, make good use of our mouths, spit out positive words of encouragement, and the parent-child relationship will be more effective.
Don't arbitrarily belittle and deny the child because of the casual words, and raise a child.
When the child makes a mistake, or is violent or protective
In the TV series "Hello Prosecutor", Li Mingqi, a high school student, seems soft, but he is the leader who bullies his classmates. Unveiling the veil of the original family, it was found that his father often treated him violently, when Li Mingqi was sued for bullying his classmates, causing the other party to commit suicide, and the violent father became more intense, and he was angry and rushed at his son to throw cups, smash documents, punch and kick.
Li Mingqi dodged physically, and his heart must be very afraid, this scene made people sigh, it was really pitiful and hateful.
In front of his father, he was a poor abuser; in the face of his classmates, he became a violent person. After making a mistake, he was violently confronted by his father, which was simply a vicious circle.
Not only did it cause the child to be physically injured and hurt inside, but it also aroused the child's hatred, and when he was beaten by his father again, he roared angrily: "I would rather stay in prison than stay at home and let you fight." In the end, Li Mingqi took the initiative to turn himself in and take responsibility, and no amount of regrets from his father would help.
When a child makes a mistake, the anger of the parents can be imagined, but the emotional processing is so important. Violence has never solved the problem, and the emergence of violence will only create more and more serious problems.
In the face of children who make mistakes, excessive violence will not help, but tolerant protection is not advisable.
Hours of stealing needles, stealing gold when big, small problems are not corrected, big problems will be organic, making mistakes is the process of growth, parents timely and appropriate correction can prevent big mistakes, so that the child's small sapling can stand upright, impartial, is the qualified parents.
Infinite coddling, ignoring the rules
We love children, how much love is not too much, how much love is not enough.
Give your child special treatment. During the dinner, the child likes to eat chicken wings, and the whole plate is moved to his front, and he does not stop it;
Easily meet any request of the child, even if it is unreasonable, do not refuse. Toys must be bought, after buying, throw away, next time continue to buy;
Do not require children to do housework. When the child is a child, he thinks that this age is to play, do not have to do housework; older, only ask the child to learn, used to say to him "you don't have to do anything", completely do not think about the child's future, food will not be done, clothes will not be washed, how to go to college, independent work?
Treat children, habitual posture lowered or even humble, so that children have become a little bully riding on the head of their parents, do not know respect, do not know gratitude.
Afraid of crying, he did his best to coax him with materials and stabilize him with his mobile phone, and at that moment the child laughed, not knowing that he would cry even more miserably in the future.
The short film "Wayward Life" depicts the spoiled life of a girl.
When she was a child, she liked horses on TV and asked her father to buy them back, and his father met her;
Later, the daughter liked cruise ships and trains, no matter how much expensive things, her father tried to give her;
When talking about marriage, the girl likes a singer, the father sells the mansion, and lets the daughter marry the singer as desired;
Finally, the father moved into the bungalow, ready to enjoy his old age, but without thinking, the daughter sent her child to him and turned away.
What an ironic and ridiculous scene, and what problems are exposed?
The spoiled child, lacking independence, so she cannot raise children herself; there is no sense of responsibility, so her own children are only born and not raised; lack of gratitude, selfishness, so bear to let the elderly parents raise her children.
But at the root of it, is it only the child's fault?
Parents always "you don't have to do anything", don't blame him for growing up and not doing anything;
The parents put him in the sugar pile that responds to every need, and the child thinks that the parents are omnipotent and naturally gives and takes;
Parents are used to feeding, and children will never eat on their own.
Just like this picture:
Birds, who do not eat, will only starve to death; and people, unable to survive independently and do not understand life, will not only be hungry, but also lose face.
Spoiled children often grow up to eat old age.
Just like Kuang Zhengxuan, who was established in his youth, unmarried, unemployed, and old at home.
When I was a child, my mother would not let me do any housework; when I was a child, I didn't eat the hardships of learning, I didn't want to eat the hardships of life when I grew up, I had no culture, I was lazy, I couldn't find easy work, I couldn't do the work, and I was tired.
In the end, he had to nibble on the old man at home, but the parents' economic conditions were very general, and they did not have the strength to provide him with the old man, and he was driven out of the house, and then the son took the parents to court.
An unqualified parent who is unstoppable has raised his child to waste.
Coddling is like a poison with a beautiful package, sweet for a while, bitter for a lifetime, when the parents are powerless to give, the children continue to take, and the pain is each other.
The right love is warmth and sunshine; if love is excessive, it is inevitable that it will not be too late.
Coddling is harmful, it tells the child that the parents are omnipotent, but one day, it makes the child disappointed. Coddling makes the child mistakenly think that the world is centered on me, and when he wrestles and hits a wall in society, he will only cry, because he is weak and powerless, unable to face and unable to change.
The best love is gentle and firm, gentle is unconditional acceptance, and firm is a principle that cannot be ignored. Only in this way can children become adults and talents.
The longer the hand of control, the more cruel it is
As people who have come over, it is understandable that parents want to guide their children's lives. But the degree of control needs to be done according to the capacity.
The science fiction educational film "Mother's Remote Control" presents us with the tragic state of mind of a child who is dominated by the desire to control.
Son Ah Wei does not like to eat bitter melon, the mother said: "Eat bitterly, only to be a good person";
He did not like the clothes, his mother designated for him: "wear this look at the spirit";
Finding her son's fake report card, the mother repeated "that day" several times with a key to the remote control, and threatened her son that if he did not hand over the report card, he would let him stay on that day;
Found that the son knows a girl, the mother clicks to make them become strangers, and the son who has no love wants to commit suicide, and is also pulled back by the mother with one button.
The son asked his mother bitterly how many times he had died before he was satisfied. My mother said affectionately: "In the future, you will definitely thank me." "When I grew up, my son was admitted to a key university and seemed to be very good, but he felt like an empty shell, and the pain of being controlled was always lingering."
Parents' desire to control stems from: "for your own good", but ignore the subject "you", the child as an independent individual, parents wishful thinking, with the mouth to live the child's life, with feet instead of the child to walk, the child lack of choice and action exercise, naturally become lack of initiative, can not be independent.
Since parents like to make decisions for him, he is also accustomed to relying on being arranged, when the child needs to be independent, but he does not know where the way is.
Even, because "my life is controlled by you", children lack personal experience of sour, sweet and bitter, and at the same time lose the mood of life construction and creation.
The hands controlled by the parents have always been held, and the grown children are eager to break free of these hands, and the struggle to tear is inevitable. Want to make their own decisions, but can not achieve their wishes, helpless depression into a disease, or reduced to "hollow heart disease".
Children who are dominated by the desire to control are fleeing their parents all their lives, and a harmonious parent-child relationship is out of reach. It is the sorrow of the child, but also the sorrow of the parents.
Give the child respect and space, the child can return your closeness and reassurance, maintain a sense of boundaries, let the child be himself, and the parents can concentrate on being a good parent. Only with qualified parents can a harmonious parent-child relationship be achieved.
Raising a child well requires the power of the flood, and raising a child is almost easy. But raising a child is the ultimate goal of parenting.
Being a qualified parent is like knitting a sweater, a needle and a thread when the heart, the cultivation of unqualified parents is like removing a sweater, a gentle pull is enough.
But we would rather needle and thread with care than pull it easily.
Writer Liu Na said: "Parents' words and deeds hide the child's cognition, the child's fate also carries the weight of the parents, and the parents' words and deeds and certain behaviors contain the children's disasters and well-being." ”
May we all strive to be qualified parents and be the best destiny for our children.
Author: Wooden man, a small homeowner. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.