Hello everyone, I'm Mommy.
These two days, chasing after the TV series "Heart Residence" against Haiqing, I really want to be angry to death.
First of all, let's talk about Shi Yuan, played by Feng Shaofeng, who is middle-aged, mourning his face all day long, not saying, what else to do, "to face" the first place. Inferior and stubborn, provocative and strong.
What his wife did, he felt that his wife looked down on him, said that he was good to his wife, and that in addition to hurting him, he was cheating.
However, in this play, the most infuriating thing is not Shi Yuan, but his mother. As soon as his mother appeared, she had the urge to abandon the drama.
It is not difficult to find that in Shi Yuan's life, the negative impact of fucking cannot be underestimated.
It is worth being vigilant that parents like Shi Yuan's mother who affect their children's life are everywhere in real life.
In the play, Feng Shaofeng and nursery rhymes are first love, and they are married after encountering each other for many years. Later, they divorced not long after getting married for various reasons.
When he was a student, Shi Yuan studied well, had a good family background, and could play the piano, which was the white moonlight in Gu Qingyu's eyes.
In the years of separation, Gu Qingyu's career has been successful, but Shi Yuan has been deeply trapped in the quagmire of life.
Failed the college entrance examination and studied a specialist;
Because of the college diploma and inferiority, but did not want to change through hard work, or even self-abandonment;
Free time is used to play mahjong and gamble;
I want to flip the stocks, but I owe a bunch of debts...
After marriage, Shi Yuan's character weakness was reflected, and the couple continued to contradict each other.
For the sake of self-esteem, he lied about going abroad on a business trip, but in fact hid to play mahjong;
Gu Qingyu bought the antique piano he sold and gave it to him, believing that his self-esteem had been trampled on;
Gu Qingyu pointed out that the job he applied for was risky, and he believed that the other party looked down on his ability to work.
The once brilliant teenager has now become a middle-aged man with sensitive inferiority, and this transformation is not unrelated to his mother.
Shi Yuan's mother was once the daughter of a large family, and once had unlimited scenery. Later, due to policy reasons, the family moved from Shanghai to Xinjiang and gradually fell into the middle of the family.
Unable to change, but arrogant and unable to accept the status quo of the fallen, he forced his son to shoulder the heavy responsibility of "rejuvenation".
She pinned all her hopes on her son, hoping that he would "go to college and revitalize the family."
Whenever her son studied, she would chant next to her: You have to work hard, and it will depend on you later.
On the day of the college entrance examination, she put the "home remedies for concentration" (actually sleep aids) in her son's porridge, causing Shi Yuan to be sleepy in the exam and rub shoulders with Fudan University.
Even if her son did nothing later, she still thought that his son was the best elite, and whose girl married Shi Yuan, that was her blessing.
When the son was single, he desperately urged to find a girlfriend; after marriage, he was not satisfied with the daughter-in-law chosen by the son himself, and desperately provoked the feelings of the husband and wife.
From school to marriage, every step of her son's step, she has to intervene and control.
She made many mistakes that parents make – she never treated her children as independent individuals and did not understand what "subject separation" was.
This theory comes from the famous psychologist Adler.
It means that all interpersonal conflicts arise from arbitrary interference in other people's problems, or from interference by others.
This is especially evident in parent-child relationships.
The separation of subjects means that parents can distinguish between "children's affairs" and "their own affairs".
Because what really isolates and alienates relationships is the symbiotic relationship between parents and children that is too close.
Why "Topic Separation"?
A counselor once told a case like this:
The girl Qianqian is a freshman, she is not interested in the major she studied, and she does not know what major to change.
"I can only go according to their arrangements, but I will never meet their requirements."
Qianqian said that since junior high school, her parents rarely encouraged her, and no matter how hard she tried, her mother always felt that her grades were not good enough and not obedient enough.
He even interrupted her practice on the grounds of busy academics, forcing her to spend all her time studying and entering a key high school.
Her parents were children who grew up in poverty, with no education and no background, and her mother often lamented that "if I hadn't dropped out of junior high school, it would be good."
Qianqian is very clear that what university and what major her parents let themselves go to, more to make up for the regrets of that year.
She wanted to be a music teacher, but she couldn't help her parents, so she could only choose a major she didn't like.
Today, she is in pain every day, rarely calls her parents, and rarely comes home during the holidays "because she can only feel better if she hides from her parents".
I also understand that Qianqian's parents may want to use their own experience to make their children take fewer detours, which can be described as well-intentioned.
However, ignoring the child's interest and deciding on the profession and occupation for the child without authorization is not a kind of crossing the line? What comes with this is the mutual torture of children and parents.
"Positive Discipline" says: Not only must you have a heart that loves children, but also know how to love children.
Many parents think, "He is my child, I am responsible for him," but in fact, the biggest problem lies here – making "the child's life" their own subject.
Parent-child relationships are not ambiguous, but have clear boundaries.
Blurring the boundaries also disrupts the parent-child relationship and the rhythm of children's growth.
Career counselor @ Cheng Lan was impressed by a client, the girl studied abroad for 5 years to return to China to work, and wanted Cheng Lan to conduct interview guidance.
Cheng Lan found that the previous student customers first learned about the company and then informed their parents of the situation, but this girl was different from others, "from resume modification, interview counseling, company selection, all the details are basically asked by the father, and then conveyed to the daughter."
Although the father did not understand his daughter's profession, he always made choices for his daughter.
She felt that this father was very responsible, but after more contact with the girl, she stopped thinking so.
"A lot of the girl's abilities are obviously lacking, it is difficult for her to think divergently, and if you want to tell her something, you have to knead this point very hard and tell her that she will understand." For example, why do you need to do this, what is the use, how to do it, etc."
This father helped his daughter take care of everything from childhood to adulthood, so that her daughter lost her most precious ability to think independently and lost control of life.
It can be said that he "killed" the child with love.
What profession the child wants to pursue and what kind of life he wants to live is the child's own business.
However, too many parents stubbornly believe that this is their responsibility and interfere with their children's problems, which is likely to cause a split:
Parents feel that they have broken their hearts, but the children do not buy it;
However, because of the excessive interference of parents, children cut off many possibilities for growth.
In order to avoid these tragedies, it is necessary to learn to separate topics.
How do I conduct "topic separation"?
●Return the child's subject to him
In life, many parents take for granted things to be invading topics that should belong to their children:
Dislike the child's school bag chaos, take the initiative to help the child sort out the school bag;
Children will not sharpen pencils, parents directly help children cut well;
Children are not serious about online classes, and parents sit next to supervise;
Children throw socks, parents pick them up and tidy up;
Are such parents not responsible?
charge.
However, it may not be a good educational effect.
To say a more common thing, I think many parents have the experience of "nanny-style" writing homework with their babies.
When children write homework, they will want to drink water, go to the toilet, ask questions and do not know, and do not do the questions correctly... Minutes can bring popularity to heart attack.
But think about it, whether it's sorting out school bags, online lessons, or even doing problems... These should be children's topics, but parents "disguised" to complete for their children.
The first step in the separation of topics is that parents should know how to let go and return their children's affairs to their children.
For example, supervising children to write homework does not improve in the end. Then we might as well change our thinking -
"Completing homework independently" is a child's task, and we can "quit" and guide the child correctly.
Set a time with your child to complete your homework and make an appointment with him: when the time comes, even if you don't finish your homework, you will go to bed.
As for whether to sacrifice sleep and get up early to make up for homework, or to be criticized by the teacher, this is his own business. He should take it upon himself.
What we can do is to give him advice and guide him to take the initiative to complete it.
He will make changes on his own when he realizes that not completing on time will bring him a disadvantage.
Only then can he understand that improving learning efficiency is not for teachers and parents, but for himself.
Aware of this, the child will take the initiative to become self-disciplined, and this endogenous change will make it easier for the child to benefit for a long time.
Many times, the parent-child relationship, not the closer the better.
Rather, the more boundaries there are, the more powerful there is.
● Do your own project well and draw a clear line
In the movie "囧Mom", the mother has a super control over Ivan (Xu Zheng).
Although her son is middle-aged and a company executive, the mother still controls her son's life:
I didn't trust the password lock installed by my son, and I found someone to add an iron lock;
When her son calls to talk about work, she has to force food;
Ask your son to stay healthy the way she does...
She often talks about "Mom is all for your own good", but she doesn't notice that her son has always wanted to run away from her.
In the movie, Ivan's words against his mother say the voices of many children: You have a fantasy son living in your heart, why do you persevere in reforming me, haven't you found out? I'm not the son you think I am.
At the end of the movie, she finally understands the simple truth: although you are my son, you also have your own life.
The mother-child relationship is also at this moment, breaking the ice and reconciling.
The movie tells us that parents and children do their own things well and draw clear boundaries in order to form a benign parent-child relationship.
But we also need to note that drawing a line does not mean letting it go.
● Not to let it go, but to guide it with love
The famous class teacher @ Zhong Jie told a story between himself and his son:
When Gao Chinese science, her son wanted to choose liberal arts, and considering the employment problem, she wanted her son to study science.
In the end, she decided to respect her child's choice: "It is my responsibility to support my son to go to college, but it is the child's own business to choose liberal arts or science."
She bought a proficiency test book for the child to decide for herself.
With more than 170 questions in the book, the child tested that the liberal arts was an advantage and decisively chose the liberal arts.
After the division of subjects, the child's grades also got better and better, and finally he was admitted to the ideal university with the first grade.
She was glad that she didn't force her child to choose science. "Otherwise, it is unknown whether the child will be admitted to college."
I am very touched that this mother can not only distinguish what is her own subject, but also be able to guide with love while respecting the child.
As it is said in "The Courage to Be Hated": "Forcible intervention, ignoring one's own will and forcing it to change, will only have a stronger reaction in the future."
Blindly interfering with children's problems is often unsatisfactory.
Education can not use brute force, and the good expectations of children can only be achieved little by little.
Separating topics is not an easy task, as it requires parents to let go of authority and stature, and establish a sense of boundaries with their children.
I believe that as long as we do it, it will definitely change.
Lit up in the watch, we encourage together:
Instead of pushing the child forward, it is better to guide it with love.