Hello Webmaster:
I am an insecure person, after marriage to the partner is particularly dependent, in fact, the reason why I chose this person as a husband, the key is that his careful gentleness can give me a sense of trust, so whether it is the standard of life or the big development choice of the day, it is up to him to help me make a choice.
But now it feels like everything has changed, and he is not only starting to get more and more impatient, but also full of contemptuous eyes, and the communication is almost zero, no matter what I say he is that sentence, "You don't understand it anyway."
I felt very miserable, why am I so dependent on my lover, and how can I get rid of this self that even I hate?
In fact, dependence psychology is our innate instinct, just like trusting and attaching to the mother in infancy, but as we grow, our own consciousness begins to form and begins to grow stronger, so it will fade that attachment.
Therefore, a person who is too dependent often stems from his own inner vulnerability, and the more dependent he is on a person, the more his inner self regresses to the state of infancy.
When the other person does not make the expected gesture, or responds appropriately, we feel uneasy.
What is the nature of our desire for love? It is because of being loved, it is easier to get the desired care, respect and quality partner, which is simply more practical.
What is the essence of generating a sense of dependence?
In fact, the attachment to the lover has nothing to do with love itself, but stems from the inner fear and helplessness of the inner sense of belonging to the way of redemption.
Ultimately, this is all related to the original family or one's own childhood traumatic experience, in the process of growing up, there is no establishment of a strong, self-confidence can support their own personality self.
Some parents are overly doting, so that their children lack the ability to survive independently, and some parents are too strong, so that children have no right to choose. Childhood trauma accompanies a person throughout life and does not appear so that it can be ignored. Most people's "grown-up" is just the aging of cells, and the heart is still in the state of childhood. And this inner child, in order to gain a sense of security, will choose love to continue to protect himself.
Many of the "well-behaved" children in the mouths of elderly parents are mostly unfortunate when they grow up, either resigned to their own egos or excessively extreme defense of their authority.
Therefore, because I was not well taken care of as a child, I still need to rely on another intimate relationship to fill the inner vacancy in my heart when I became an adult. What is extremely missing is the happiness of being cared for, and the sense of security of being protected in the face of uncertainty, these are phenomena that should be self-established in growth, and completely rely on external forces to achieve.
This is what we often say, "a happy childhood can cure a lifetime, and an unhappy childhood needs a lifetime to heal."
As mentioned in the book "Getting Rid of Restlessness: Saying Goodbye to Over-Dependence",
"The loss of experience in infancy can make people fear loss all their lives, and people who feel devastated when they lose something in adulthood may be because this loss stimulates the unconscious loss of experience in infancy." Or rather, this loss allowed him to experience once again the uneasy sense of loss he had felt as a child."
So we will do everything we can to get ourselves this protection and avoid uneasy sensory experiences.
There is no problem with this in childhood, we pretend to be a submissive person without self, we can get praise and thus get a false sense of security, but marriage, love, is an adult cooperative relationship, at first the other party may not mind because of appreciation or hormones, will produce a sense of superiority, but over time, the absence of the partner, will become the source of his burden and even contempt. Because husband and wife need to work together, when they not only do not have the wings of the tiger, but also have a burden, they will feel dissatisfied or even disgusted.
How can I reduce my dependence on my partner?
If you want to reduce or reduce your dependence on others, the fundamental core lies in your own strength, and fragmented reorganization needs to be consciously and firmly pieced together.
Find the shortcomings in your own body, improve the learning and expand moderately
Everyone can't be a perfect decathlon, have their own shortcomings and shortcomings, find out what their shortcomings are, not to tangle with shortcomings, but to make up for them as much as possible, to replenish as much as possible and make improvements.
Expansion does not simply refer to knowledge, but also has its own circle of communication, and sometimes the value brought to us by communication is the essence of what cannot be learned in the classroom and books.
To absorb the advantages of others, you will get more promotion, find the value of existence in social society, and make people unconsciously enhance confidence.
Don't be socially afraid, don't be an ostrich, the housewife is not absolutely praising you as a lady, but also a state of self-sufficiency, so sometimes you have more connections and a wide range of knowledge, not only can your inner strength be improved, but also bring a lot of gains and even direct benefits.
After all, you can handle many problems independently, and if you have connections to deal with, you will not only rely on your lover to bring you a sense of solidity.
Create your own meaning in life
What is the meaning of life? In fact, life itself may have no meaning, the so-called meaning, is to establish its own meaning model system through our own needs.
So remember to find and establish your own meaning in life, which will make your life more interesting and will make you more happy. Don't take love too seriously, and don't take it as the whole thing, love can't be the only core of survival, just embellish life.
Zhang Aijia said: "Everyone is lonely in the end, because there can't be any one hundred percent of you, so we are still ourselves, and the most important thing is to be able to live in peace with ourselves." ”
Only those who can be alone can control the key to the door of happiness.
As a person with too strong sense of dependence, you must know how to find the source of your own uneasiness, just imagine, if the ability to survive in your heart and actual life is strong at this moment, will you still rely on someone to live or even rely on people's sniffles? If you want to get a good relationship, you need to grow up first, and the change of many lovers is the change caused by the degradation of their own value.
END
Text/Emotional Transit Station
(Author: Xiao Yu, psychological counselor, focusing on the emotional field), good at the restoration of romantic relationships, marital contradictions and differences, and the healing of psychological trauma caused by the original ecological family. The lonely journey of life, listening to your grievances and pressures, helping visitors improve their skills in getting along with the sexes, saving their lovers, managing their feelings, and striving to become happier people.