Whether it's raising children, falling in love, dealing with relationships in a new job, or facing endless challenges on life's path, we all inevitably make mistakes. We will be careless and make some in-the-fact actions that we find out that this is the wrong choice and action. Despite all the inherent flaws in our relationships, we draw energy from them from infancy to old age, leading to the ability to overcome pain and discomfort, and to gain a sense of psychological consistency, complexity, and creativity. It is the joy of reconnection that generates the energy necessary for growth.
In the process of dislocation and repair, the baby grows into a young person and then continues to become an old man. Individuals can only develop boundaries that distinguish "me," "you," and others, through a process from misalignment to repair. We can learn more wisdom from Winnicott on this issue. He found that children's sense of self develops by colliding with boundaries set by caregivers. Getting along with a normal child will never be smooth sailing, and he will continue to destroy relationships and create chaos on the road to growth. In an article for parents, Winnicott said:
What does a normal child look like? Does he just eat, grow up, and smile sweetly? No, he's not like that. For a normal child, if he trusts his parents, he will do everything in his power to make trouble.
Growing up, he will find ways to test his own power, to destroy, to destroy, to frighten, to wear, to waste, to deceive, to possess... If we want him not to be so afraid of his own thoughts and imaginations that it is difficult for him to develop emotionally, then he is better off living in a circle wrapped in loving-kindness and firm strength (and corresponding tolerance) from the start.
In an environment that accommodates strong, chaotic emotions, the child will develop in a healthy direction, and he will have a vibrant, positive "I am" feeling. Set boundaries for your child's behavior, but be careful not to suppress your child's mind. In this way, the caregiver will convey a sense of security as if to say, "I can accept your fluctuating emotions." I will be with you. You won't be alone. ”
01
There is no imperfection, and you and I will cease to exist
Based on his own observations and understanding of the universe, physicist Stephen Hawking recognized: "One of the fundamental laws of the universe is that nothing is perfect... If there is no imperfection, you and I will cease to exist. Hawking understood that the replication errors produced by large molecules when colliding were necessary for the birth of life on Earth. Hawking observed the necessity of imperfection in the physical world, while Winnicott observed the exact same process in human development, a process that began at the birth of a human being.
Unlike other mammals, humans are very helpless in the first few weeks of life, and this feature of humans is unique. When the primordial startle reflex is generated, the baby will always extend his arm to cover his head. Their sleep does not follow a fixed rhythm and there is no particular reason. They ate and drank Lazar all day long. This is characterized by the result of immature brain development, and in order to get the head through the birth canal, 70% of the brain's growth process takes place outside the uterus. Therefore, the newborn needs to rely entirely on a caregiver to help him organize the world.
That's why anyone who is just starting out as a parent can tell you that caring for a newborn is a round-the-clock job. Winnicott observed that if a mother herself receives good care and support (an experience that is often lacking in our culture), she is better able to find a state of harmony with her baby.
He used the term "ordinary devoted mother" to describe a mother who could focus on every need of her baby in a normal, healthy way. During the first few weeks of total helplessness, if the mother is held and supported, the mother and baby can feel a sense of oneness during this period.
But in a healthy condition, this sense of coordination is temporary and can only last for about 10 weeks, until the baby begins to acquire self-regulation. As your child's brain develops and his body grows, the original reflexes will gradually fade. His movements will become more coordinated. Winnicott points out that at this point, (in his own words) the mother must "fail" in trying to meet all of the baby's needs so that the child can continue to grow. Mothers are bound to fail, but she will have a new task, in the terminology coined by Winnicott, a task that is to be a good-enough mother.
Winnicott recognizes that just as most mothers naturally focus on their children during periods when their babies are completely helpless, most mothers will naturally become "good enough" mothers. These qualities cannot be learned from books.
The concept of a "good enough mother" is often read oversimplified as a blithely reassuring relief that caregivers don't have to mind the mistakes they make, but the concept reflects a deeper truth that imperfection is necessary for healthy development. Winnicott wisely points out the truth that failure (what Hawking calls "error") is not only inevitable, but crucial. The mother's goal should not be perfect, but good enough. By adapting to the mother's failures, the baby begins to experience the process of separation from the mother and learns to deal with those inevitable setbacks in life. The boundaries between the self and others begin to form.
This is the basis for the development of self-regulation, which is essential for both learning and social ability. Self-regulation comes from the process of working through mistakes or failures with others. Winnicott wrote in his book Playing and Reality:
In this case, the "good enough" favorable environment is taken for granted, and this environment is a necessary condition for everyone's growth and development from the beginning. Some genes determine patterns and genetic predispositions to growth and maturation, but if there is a lack of provision provided by the environment (and that provision must be good enough), then the individual will not have any emotional growth. Note that the word "perfect" is not mentioned in this sentence—perfection is an attribute of the machine, and imperfection is a distinctive feature of the process by which humans adapt to their own needs, and this imperfection is a fundamental property of an environment conducive to growth.
In addition to academic writing, Winnicott often wrote articles to communicate with his parents, a bit like Dr. Spock in Britain. He wrote in an article:
If I were a child, I'd rather have all the inner conflicts of a human being than an all-knowing, all-knowing mother who is suspicious like a stranger.
Winnicott has made extensive observations in his pediatric work, he has looked deeply into the real-time interaction of parents and children, and he has combined these observations with his work as a psychoanalyst. His adult patients spent countless hours lying on the couch, and in his words, many "regressed to a state of dependence," as Eric had done when he had just begun treatment with Dr. Olz. Even a brief separation can cause them to experience deep anxiety.
For the harmony of the relationship, as long as there is any slight disturbance, they will have a strong reaction, such as a long pause before they respond. However, they can explain their mood instead of crying in pain (they can also explain while crying). They brought the emotions of their early care relationships into their relationship with Winnicott—a process Sigmund Freud called empathy. These interactions gave us insight into the impact of the emotional lives of these patients in the pre-language period.
From this experience, Winnicott came up with the concepts of the true self and the false self. He would listen to these adult patients who, like Mei, seemed to lack a steady sense of self. Winnicott's work experience with adults and children has taught him that if a mother fails to meet her baby's needs and can't understand the baby's message every time, but takes the time to figure out what the child means, then she paves the way for the child to adapt to the uncertainties inherent in all social interactions. In this way, the baby's sense of self will gradually form.
Conversely, he also observed that if the caregiver cannot tolerate imperfections in relationships for a number of reasons, the child may develop a false self out of "obedience." Recall the video description at the beginning of this chapter (the child is angry and the mother insists that the child is sad), we can imagine that if the child's feelings are repeatedly not tolerated in such parent-child interactions, she may obey, deny the true feelings of her anger, and develop sad emotions in order to stand on the same side as the mother. In May's story, we feel this obedience. She followed the smooth path that her family expected, and such a life hindered the development of her true self.
02
The pursuit of perfection can lead to anxiety and hinder growth
Good enough mothers sometimes fail to meet the needs of the baby, and the baby's ability to cope with this failure will continue to grow, and the mother's failure is matched with the baby's ability, so that the good enough mother promotes the healthy development of the baby. However, "too good" mothers will anxiously pursue perfection, which may hinder the growth that comes with the process from misalignment to repair.
Sarah called the psychotherapist and left a message to make an appointment with her 3-year-old son, Ben, who said she could only call between 2:00 and 2:30 because she could be sure Ben was taking a nap. She explains that every morning from 8:00 to 9:00, Ben eats breakfast and then plays before taking a nap. Lunch must be eaten at noon, and 12:45 is Ben's walk time. He would be ready to sleep at 2:45 and he would fall asleep at 2:00. "Then I'll be able to speak." Sarah said. As she talks about how to organize her day according to each of Ben's needs, she conveys deep anxiety.
Ben and Sarah's relationship didn't go well at first. Sarah developed complications during the caesarean section and spent several days in the intensive care unit. In retrospect, while that experience brought her emotional pain, after that, she felt that Ben as an infant had brought her "perfect happiness." However, when Ben started to toddler, things started to get messy.
Now, though Sarah tried to pay attention to his needs as meticulously as Ben had in infancy, it seemed as if all this had been in vain, and now they were at war day and night. Ben had a hard time falling asleep, had an emotional breakdown in kindergarten, and lost his temper if he was a little unsatisfactory, like when he ate chicken for dinner and he wanted to eat pasta. When Sarah talks about these experiences in therapy, the relationship pattern seems to stem not only from early mother-child relationship problems, but also from the guilt she felt when ben "abandoned" ben in the first few weeks of his life because he was too sick to take care of ben.
But after further reflection, Sarah realizes that her mother has the same pressure and tries to take care of Sarah and her brother in the perfect way. She said her mother sacrificed her own needs, sacrificed her ego, and gave everything to her children. Sarah felt depressed, and in her recollections she felt that her anxious mother was emotionally distant and inaccessible.
Sarah and Ben are stuck in this relationship pattern, probably in part because she doesn't want to disappoint Ben, like in those days when Ben was just born. But she repeated the parenting style she had accepted when she took care of Ben, and the problem became more and more entrenched. When Sarah realizes the intergenerational pattern of interaction represented by this "overly perfect mother," she sees not only that the perfection she strives for is unattainable, but also that it makes her nervous and worried. She guessed that Ben's behavior might reflect her anxiety. When Sarah sees that her pursuit of perfectionism affects her and Ben's emotions, she breathes a deep sigh of relief and feels a sense of relaxed freedom.
Sarah begins to allow herself to tolerate the chaos of early childhood, and realizes that this situation actually helps to develop Ben's coping skills. In this way, their shared anxiety is alleviated. Although Ben wants a particular duck-billed cup at some point, she doesn't have to satisfy his request every time; even if Ben strongly disagrees, she can find a night out with friends.
When they overcome these difficulties, Ben's sleep improves, and he finally likes kindergarten and makes friends. The process of dislocation and repair has led them to healthier boundaries, and their trust in each other and themselves has grown.
We can apply the lessons learned from this story to all of our relationships throughout our lives. Just as Sarah anxiously fulfills Ben's every need, the pursuit of perfection in our adult relationships can also create anxiety and hinder growth.
Written by Dr. Ed Tronick, a world-renowned researcher in the "still face" experiment, neuroscientist and clinical psychologist, researcher at the Department of Neonatal Medicine at Harvard Medical School, distinguished professor of development and brain science at the University of Massachusetts Boston.