Some parents think that their child's failure to listen to him amounts to rebellion, but this is not the case. American female writer Alan Galinsky believes that the development of parent-child relationship has six stages.
The first four stages include the parent's imagination of parent-child interaction, the formulation of family rules by parents, the instilling of adult values frameworks in their children by parents, and the parents' approach to their own education.
At this time, the parents are the dominant parent-child relationship, and the child is completely adored and obedient to the parents. But as children get older, they become independent and autonomous, and have views and practices that are inconsistent with those of their parents.
And if you are always angry that your child is not obedient to you, it is not that the child is rebellious, but that you are not prepared to face the fact that the child has gradually existed independently of you.
The criterion for whether a child is rebellious is not whether he is obedient to you, but whether he causes harm to others in communication, whether he always violates proper family rules, whether he ignores the moral norms of society, and so on.
And if your child is really "disobedient" as mentioned above, always hurting others psychologically and in action, then parents should also recall whether you have the following behaviors in the process of parenting:
Spoil the child
Some post-70s and post-80s parents, they were born in the era of material poverty, so when they have children, they always eagerly want to give all their belongings to provide the best living conditions for their children.
Parental flooding gives children to enjoy the feeling of the stars holding the moon, irregular pampering makes children unable to learn to be grateful and reciprocal, and when the children grow up, they may have rebellious behaviors such as fighting with friends, squandering money, and ignoring social rules.
Because these children are always centered on their own feelings, as long as they can make themselves happy, as long as they can attract the attention of others, they may do it without considering the feelings of others.
Punish the child severely
When we warned parents not to spoil their children, some parents picked up the rattan and picked up the golden rule of "filial piety under the stick" again.
Yelling and scolding can indeed lead to short-term obedience in children, but Jane Nelson points out in Positive Discipline that the long-term effects of harsh punishment can be summed up in 4Rs: resentment, revenge, rebellion, and retreat.
When some parents are talking to others about their parenting skills after severely scolding their children, your children may be saying inwardly: "I want to do it in the future, so I don't want to do everything as you say." ”
Nagging the child repeatedly
We've been through a situation where when we saw that our room was a mess and we were about to pick up a broom to clean it, and as soon as mom walked in, she began to describe how dirty your room was, and how hard she worked to take care of you in a day, your reaction might be: Okay, then I won't do it now.
Or a child encounters a puddle, the parents always chant to be careful, how much trouble it is to get wet, then the child wants to step on a foot, of course, in the end it is inevitable to be scolded, but this is also a silent confrontation of the parents' endless chanting.
Limit everything for your child
For some children, rebellion is a confrontation to limitations. One of my nieces just went to college last year, and her five or six hundred points made it easy for her to go to a good university in Chongqing, and when she filled out the volunteer form, her parents eagerly wanted her to apply for the local normal university, but she firmly disagreed.
Later, she applied for a non-normal university in a province to study philosophy, and I asked her if she really resented becoming a teacher.
She asked: "I didn't want to be a teacher at all, it's just that everything I grew up with was arranged to die, and this time I just didn't listen to them." ”
"What kind of high school to go to, whether to choose liberal arts or science, what clothes to wear, etc. are all decided by my parents, I am now grown up, I want to go a little farther, what they ask me to do, what I don't do." 」
A child who has lost the right to choose for a long time, once he feels that he can get rid of the restrictions, he may no longer give his parents the opportunity to intervene in his life, which is also completely contrary to the parents' previous wishes.
When the child is playing with sex and losing his temper, you think that he is rebellious and "disobedient", but parents must also re-examine their own behavior, whether it provides a rich soil for the seeds of children's rebellious parenting.
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