Author | Main creative group Maple
Recently, I read 20 stories of teenagers who were depressed and suspended from school in the Liberation Daily.
Surprisingly, most of them are excellent students in key middle schools, and their future possibilities are unlimited.
But one day, the children suddenly become anxious, bored with school, pessimistic, desperate, world-weary... For example, some children were originally cheerful and talkative, but one day, not only did he become emotionally excited, but his body also began to ache inexplicably; when the situation was worst, he shouted at his mother: "I will kill you!" Some children were originally vigorous, but because they were afraid of not being able to enter a good university, they became irritable and irritable, inexplicably crying and laughing, sometimes manic, sometimes depressed, and have taken 3 years of school break, and have swallowed sleeping pills to commit suicide. There was a flower-like girl who, when she felt uncomfortable, would uncontrollably draw shocking scars on her hands.
According to a survey by the Chinese Academy of Sciences, the detection rate of adolescent depression in mainland China in 2020 was 24.6%. This means that 1 in 5 children is depressed!
What's going wrong with that?
The family environment "goes wrong" and the child is sick
To get back to normal, the children attended teen depression camps.
The indoor environment of the parent-child training camp was illuminated with the help of the instructor, and they began to "complain".
19-year-old Han Qing, who grew up as someone else's child, was very inferior and felt that she was nothing. She said: "I've never been on my own. Not only in study, but also in life, even if you eat a meal, your mother will clip the dishes that she feels are nutritious to her daughter according to her own preferences, even if her daughter hates to eat. From beginning to end, Han Qing's likes and dislikes, feelings, and emotions could not be seen by her mother; therefore, her mother consciously paid a lot, but Han Qing only wanted to escape.
Tan Tan, 13, attended Beijing Key Middle School and maintained his grades in the top 20 of his grade. She is also good at piano and opera, has thousands of books to read, and has a "perfect personality" in the eyes of her classmates. She said, "Because of my mother, I didn't have a childhood." She is a postdoc at a prestigious university, full of ambition but has many regrets, and I am her tool to eliminate regrets. Like a marionette, always chosen and arranged, she is "excellent" but has no self. Even after Tan Tan was diagnosed with depression, her mother still couldn't control her child's psychology.
There is also a tall boy who runs to the children's toy counter of the supermarket every time he falls ill, because this is his only happy memory, which comes from early childhood. Since his father took over the power of education, there is only one sentence on his lips: if he cannot pass the Qinghua Peking University, he is the scum of society. The boys' daily task is to learn, to learn, to learn again. Until a month before the middle school entrance examination, the boy collapsed, crying to his mother for help: "If my father watches me do math problems again, I can't write a word..."
These children are all from the Kochi family and are well taken care of, but they slowly collapse in silent repression.
In fact, the original intention of parents is also for the good of their children, but how can children be depressed?
Parents may not know that in an airtight learning environment, when grades become the only indicator to measure a child, it is difficult for him to have other sense of value and experience.
Therefore, when the grades cannot prove their excellence, and the inner anxiety does not have an outlet, the child can only constantly attack himself inward, and finally repress into injury.
Do not raise children in fish tanks
In life, there are not many such parents.
They mistakenly believe that if they love their children, they must plan everything for their children and strictly urge their children to move forward. As everyone knows, their excessive intervention has hurt the child.
In psychology, there is a famous story. It is said that the small fish in the fish tank are carefully cared for every day, but after 2 years, the small fish is still only three inches long. Until one day the fish tank was broken, and the small fish were put into the pool in the yard. In just two months, the little fish grew from three inches crazy to a foot! This phenomenon of breaking the fish tank and allowing the fish to grow faster and better is also called the "fish tank rule".
Small fish need free space to grow, and so do children. A child who is kept in a fish tank, his world is narrowed to the square inches of the desk, there is no choice, no freedom, and the road to growth naturally becomes particularly difficult.
Just like Jiang Jing in "Female Psychologist", a girl who has been "captive" by her mother for 30 years. Since the age of 5, she has been forced by her mother to learn piano, and no matter how hot or cold it is, she has to practice for more than 10 hours a day. Sometimes it didn't play well, and my mother called for heavy weight over and over on the side, and if she didn't play well, she wouldn't let me eat. Jiang Jing was slightly dissatisfied, and her mother shelled: "Who can I show you?" Long skilled you? Who did you learn from? Not only that, but mom also supervised and controlled her in all aspects. What clothes to wear, what hairstyle to comb, and what friends to make should be asked. Even, she is an adult, and her mother still has her room key so that she can come and go at any time. Once, she was secretly playing drums and was discovered by her mother, who came up and threw away the drumsticks and asked her why she didn't tell herself when she went out: "You are the meat that fell from my body, you have to tell me what you do!" ”
Her mother's strong love forced her to breathe, and long-term repression caused her to suffer from binge eating disorder.
In desperation, she wrote a suicide note, smashed everything her mother bought for her, and shouted, "I don't want to take any first prize at all!" I don't want to play the piano at all! I never want to live like you want me to be, I don't want to live like that. ”
Finally, she asked her mother hysterically, "Why are you trapping me?" ”
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that a child, pushed by external voices from childhood, they cannot be true, they can only give up their self in despair. Just like Jiang Jing, in the eyes of outsiders, so excellent, the inner "self" is empty. She hadn't experienced what it was like to enjoy something she loved, or what it was like to be "just to make herself happy."
Her 30 years of life have been lived for the expectations of her mother, and this kind of maternal abduction has made her physically and mentally exhausted, and even give up her life to escape such a burden.
Raising children in a fish tank is destined to be a tragedy, even in the name of love. Because every child spends his whole life in order to get rid of his parents' expectations and become himself.
If the parent cannot see the child's heart, and the child cannot break free from the control of the parents, the dilemma, he can only use the way of self-abandonment to destroy the parents' "children".
Children with strong resistance to setbacks cannot be raised in the fish tank
In the training camp, there is a girl named Yuan Ranran, who has a cheerful and lively personality and excellent grades. However, she suffered from a serious eating disorder because of a lost love, and finally became depressed in anxiety. Her father said with great remorse: "I knew that my daughter would develop psychological problems because of the loss of love, so we should pay more attention to the physical and mental development of our children, rather than always making up cultural lessons."
Yes, the children raised in the fish tank are strictly controlled in terms of learning from an early age, and they are also well protected in terms of life, and they do not have the opportunity to experience and experience life.
Therefore, a little setback in life may be a hurdle in his life that he cannot pass.
I remembered the story of a netizen. From an early age, her mother never let her participate in activities that had nothing to do with learning, and she hardly ever went out with her classmates. Even during the holidays, when her classmates traveled or attended summer camps, she could only stay at home to read and study. The teacher and her mother reflected that "the child is a bit introverted and unsociable", but the mother does not think that it is better for the child to be focused on learning.
Growing up like this, she had good grades, but only good grades.
In high school, because her classmates said that her teeth were ugly, she never smiled again.
During college military training, she ran too slowly, was lectured by the instructor, and she cried all night.
After work, just a little conflict with her colleagues, she was stunned that she was not in a state for a day, thinking of simply resigning.
Because of her fragile and sensitive personality, she often encounters walls at work, and when things happen, she wants to withdraw and cry. She is also afraid of all socializing, even acquaintances who have not been in touch for a long time.
She feels very tired and tired every day, and has a deep sense of powerlessness about life. "There are some things that are far more important than learning, but my parents never taught me," she said. Yeah, a child who doesn't socialize, he has no way to build his own social support system, and he can't get social acceptance at work. A child who can only learn is doomed to fail the big test of human growth and running. The problems that children will encounter in the future have no answers in books.
Raising children in the fish tank not only limits the child's vision, but also narrows the child's life circle and weakens the child's courage to resist difficulties.
Instead of building a "fish tank" for kids
It is better to create a "runway" for children
The first half of the child's life is accompanied by the parents, and the second half of the child's life must eventually go on its own.
Therefore, instead of creating a "fish tank" for children, it is better to create a "runway" for children. Only when a child has developed a skill on the "runway" we have built, can he cut thorns in any runway in society.
1. Learn to let go three times and let your child be himself
Two days ago, a friend told me that his son was preparing for Peking University's independent admissions test. At the same time as I was envious, I was more curious about how she raised children with excellent grades and self-confidence and cheerfulness. The friend said that there was no cultivation, just let the child decide.
· Give your child choice
The things that the child can choose independently, such as what interest classes to attend, what extracurricular books to read, how to allocate leisure time, etc., you give him choices, is to give him trust. In order not to live up to this trust, children are often more responsible for their own choices. Give your child the right to try what your child wants to try, such as learning to dance, skate, participate in competitions, go camping with friends... While it was safe, she supported her children to give it a try. Only through trial and error can children continue to gain the power of growth.
· Give your child the right to decide
When it comes to children's liberal arts choices, what major to study, what kind of girls to choose to fall in love... These major issues in life, she only provides advice without intervention, and fully respects the child.
She said: "A child, only by becoming himself, he can be better responsible for himself. "Yes! Parents respect their children from the bottom of their hearts, and children often respond with greater surprises from their parents.
2. Let your child go out more and see the world
"Chinese Model Parent" Liu Zhilian advocated that parents should return their children to a broad world. Since her daughter's elementary school, she has insisted on taking her daughter to see the world every Sunday, allowing her to learn through experience and practice, enriching her heart and broadening her horizons.
When her daughter was under deep academic pressure, Liu Saidlian once took her to Inner Mongolia late at night, only to realize her daughter's dream of watching meteor showers. At 4:00 a.m., minus 15 degrees, on the empty wasteland, a family of three snuggled up to feel the shock of shooting stars breaking through the night.
Liu Saidlian said: "This is a very crazy decision, but if I go back in time, I will still firmly choose to take my children." Because I know that such practical actions can better support the child's heart, which is far more effective than simple comfort.
Under the cultivation of Liu Zhilian, her daughter's mentality became better and better, her grades rose steadily, and she was finally admitted to Peking University.
A child, after experiencing the vicissitudes of life, will not be trapped in the suffering in front of him, and will be more relaxed about the future.
As parents, only when we let our children have more contact with the world outside the classroom and enrich their hearts, can they better fight in the long sky and far away.
Educator Montessori once said that every child is born with a spiritual embryo. No matter how his parents "reformed", he eventually wanted to be himself.
Just like these 20 depressed children in the treatment, the instructor repeatedly suggested: in the growth of the child, parents need to retreat further. Because in a sense, the best help given by the family may be just to be a "companion".
Only a child who has a sense of self-control can walk out of his own way. As parents, remember: our children belong to tomorrow, to tomorrow that we cannot dream of.
The only thing we can do is to give him wings to take off and let him soar in the sky of his dreams.
Let's encourage!
Author: Maple, Erbao Mom, one hand parenting, the other hand writing, growing up with children. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.