Psychology: Children who are "sick, unemployed, and unhappy in marriage" are the biggest "revenge" for their parents.

In fact, when I wrote this topic, I had a little bit of intolerance and hesitation.

Worried about whether I will hurt the hearts of some parents by coming to such a conclusion, after all, parents are also parents for the first time.

But in the hope that more people can really pay attention to the mental health problems of close people, I still use the heavy word "revenge".

Yes, why retaliation?

Retaliation means that a person has anger, repression, dissatisfaction in his heart, and then carries out aggressive behavior towards others.

It is "to consciously fight back against people who have hurt themselves." ”

From birth to death, any person has experienced great and small illnesses and setbacks;

In reflection, we are accustomed to attributing ourselves to insufficient intelligence, poor physical fitness, or weak will, too small a pattern, and insufficient experience.

But if a child often skips class, indulges in online games, is bored with school, is overly anxious, has a long-term temperament, is stubborn, is difficult to communicate with peers normally, and closes himself off;

If an adult is often pessimistic, depressed, world-weary, repeatedly unemployed, and the marriage is always unhappy and unhappy, it means that there is a problem with the person's original family.

Psychologically speaking, a person's experience before the age of 6 determines the degree of mental and mental development.

In the final analysis, the problems that occur in the future are not sudden bursts, but the consequences of the child's early experience or trauma, which are continuously strengthened and accumulated, and are not "healed".

In a family with good interaction and love, people will be socially adaptable;

Parent-child relationship and husband and wife relationship can be harmoniously communicated and developed on the basis of a certain sense of boundary and respect;

Each family member treats the other as an independent person, and can accept each other's emotions, wishes, and ideas;

For the other party's decision, do not criticize, but patiently and equally consider the other party's position, objectively analyze the advantages and disadvantages with the other party, and give support to reasonable and positive;

Everyone dares to speak out their true feelings and not worry about being rejected and blamed;

This is what a happy family should look like.

People who grow up in such a family, because their hearts are full of love, at the same time they have the ability to be independent, have good psychological quality, and their bodies will be healthy.

The etiological studies of hypertensive patients by psychologists in China have shown that 74.5% of patients have bad personality emotions before illness.

Therefore, most of the physical injuries are caused by psychological injuries.

There was a classic joke on the Internet about parents: "When you go to school, you don't let me fall in love, and when I graduate, I urge marriage"

This kind of ridicule reflects many problems of parents as educators.

Children are people, not machines, and if they can't set the time and parameters in advance, they can follow the established procedures and finally achieve what they want.

The Tang Dynasty literary scholar Liu Zongyuan once said:

The day of Shunmu, and its nature.

This means that to treat man like a tree, to conform to its habits and natural laws in order to bear good ripe fruit.

From the moment of birth, the child is separated from the mother, which is the first step of the child's "independence" - physical separation, which becomes an independent individual, a person with his own ideology and free will.

The second and most important step is the process of separation from the psychological parents.

Chinese parents always want to hold their children firmly in the palm of their hands, afraid that their children will encounter storms and rain, and they will "morbidly coexist" with their children, "one glory and one loss";

This idea of unclear boundaries with the child becomes the root of the child's resistance to parents;

Children have long been accustomed to hearing parents' words such as "I am for your own good".

In fact, parents who refuse to let go of their children, who are eager to set their children's lives according to their own will, expect their children to listen to their own words all the time, they are themselves "children who have not grown up".

They are insecure and worry that their children's independence and awakening will bring them a sense of abandonment, loneliness, and loss of control.

Erikson proposed an eight-stage theory in which each stage has a task to be accomplished, and each stage builds on the previous stage;

In this way, a person can be truly healthy and mature.

Among them, the infant period is to cultivate a sense of trust and security.

If during this period, parents "absent" the child's growth, can not provide companionship and love, from time to time with the child to face separation;

Always denying and ignoring the child's psychological needs, resisting the child's embrace and closeness, will cause indelible trauma to the child.

This trauma will be rooted in the child's heart, and as a parent, it is not conscious.

In turn, too much control over the child's life, the child will be overwhelmed, dare not express emotions and feelings, and finally through the way of making themselves "sick, unemployed" to express dissatisfaction with their parents, in order to attract the attention of parents, tell parents "my feelings need to be paid attention to and respected by you."

Taking 10,000 steps back, when the child suddenly appears to "get out" of his expectations and control one day, parents will wonder and wonder, in fact, this is the "evil consequence" he planted at the beginning.

"Sick" children, "unemployed, unhappy marriage" adults, behind the experience of not being truly loved, concerned, and accepted.

Parents often quarrel, attack each other, indifferent and distant, children naturally do not know what true love is like, how to express love and get love, marriage and love will be hurt repeatedly.

The "panic and helplessness" psychology caused by the influence of the original family of parents will be passed on to the children through "intergenerational relations";

It is precisely because you have not been loved that you will not know how to love and how to express love;

The child is injured, but he does not know why his life is like this;

A vicious circle is formed;

Children have not really become independent, parents in the sensitive period, interrupting and hindering the child's independent growth, the child's judgment and independent awareness, the ability to cope with things and communication skills, have not been able to get timely exercise.

The child "stays" in the previous age, and the heart never really matures.

Therefore, without understanding human nature and the rules of social operation, children will find that they live in an "information cocoon" from an early age, very closed and ignorant and helpless;

When you grow up, you are repeatedly frustrated, and pessimistic and world-weary depression follows, which is also the source of parents' complaints about their children's delicacy and poor resistance to stress.

So, all love in the world is for encounters, while parental love is for separation.