The longer you work in the education industry, the more you find that many parents are unhappy.
"If I had been..., I wouldn't have...", "Why are my children so disobedient", this is a phrase that many parents come to find us.
We also have such people around us, who feel like the sky is about to collapse when they encounter a small thing. But there is no shortage of optimists, as if nothing is a big deal, laughing every day haha mentality is very good.
The main reason for these personalities is our "style of interpretation" of the things around us, that is, how you look at a thing, determines whether you are a pessimistic person or an optimistic person.
Optimists like to interpret "good things" as permanent, generalized, and related to themselves, and "bad things" as temporary, specific, and external causes. Pessimists are just the opposite.
For example, if a math exam fails, optimists will explain that I didn't do well in math this time (temporarily, specifically), that the exam paper was too difficult (for external reasons), while pessimists would explain that I could never fail (permanent, generalized) and that I was stupid (a problem with myself).
This is also the theoretical basis of what we now often call "growth thinking".
If a pessimist can consciously change the pessimistic interpretation style into an optimistic interpretation style, he can cure the pessimistic self.
Martin Selig, the father of positive psychology, has an important point: children's explanatory styles are generally formed before the age of eight, and once formed, they are difficult to change.
Whether a child becomes a pessimistic person or an optimistic person, the early educational environment is very important.
The explanatory style has a very big impact on adult life, it can trigger depression, it can also make people cheer up immediately after pessimism occurs; it can make people enjoy life, it can also make people lose interest in life; it can make a person lose their goal, and it can also make a person exceed the goal.
We know that a person's view of things affects the quality of life and physical health in the future, so what ways can we change it?
01
What the mother does, the child will learn
Parents are the child's first teachers, and the child's views on things are all learned from the parents.
We can look at how unpleasant things in our own lives are handled and what our children see.
Xiaomei drove her daughter to the supermarket one day, and when she came out, she found that the car had been crossed with a big line.
The daughter said to Xiaomei, "Mom, our car has been paddled." ”
"Oh my God, your dad is going to scold me to death."
"Dad said, let's not stop our car."
"Why do bad luck always happen to me!" I'm really lazy, always parking my car on the side of the road to take a few few steps, but whenever I park my car in the parking lot, it doesn't happen. ”
The daughter listened to her mother's words, even some swear words. Hearing my mother say that she is lazy and has always had bad luck, this way of speaking has a very bad impact on her daughter.
Xiaomei treats bad events as a pessimistic explanation, and unconsciously her daughter will learn to see the world in this way. Bad things are permanent, and they're all their own fault.
Children pay great attention to the words and deeds of their parents, especially the mother's interpretation of emotional events.
Children ask a lot of "why" because they want to know what's going on around them, especially the explanation of society and life.
Once a parent shows impatience and stops answering why with his child, he seeks answers from elsewhere.
They will listen carefully to your explanation of everything, especially the explanation of bad things.
A team tested 100 children and their parents on a style test, and the optimism of the children was very similar to that of mothers, both sons and daughters.
02
Criticism affects a child's thinking patterns
When a child does something wrong, what do you tell him? What would the teacher say to him?
In this process, the child will not only listen to what you say, but also how to say it.
We can find a pattern that the teacher's criticism of boys and girls is not the same, which also affects the child's interpretation form.
What would a teacher say to a class of students who failed an exam?
To boys, teachers generally say, "You don't pay attention to the lectures in class" and "When I talk about this topic, you are talking to other students." ”
What does this mean? These are temporary, specific, and something you can change.
The criticism of girls is completely different, because most of the girls seem to be listening carefully in class, and teachers cannot criticize them for such reasons. Teachers generally say:
"You never do math", "You don't do math well", "The homework you turn in is always a mess".
There is no temporary criticism, only permanent, self-cause.
Psychologist Dweck did an experiment in which fourth-grade boys and girls were given the same unsolvable problem and listened to their explanations of their failures.
"Why didn't you come up with an answer?"
The girls replied "I'm not good at doing such a question" or "I'm not smart enough." ”
The boys replied, "I didn't try my best to do it, "I don't want to do it."
This experiment shows that adult criticism of children affects children's influence on their style of interpreting bad things.
03
The great upheavals of childhood
If the child's early life experiences a life-and-death separation, or a big change, if the matter gets better, they will become optimistic, and if the change is permanent and universal, the seed of despair will be buried deep in the child's heart.
We can think back to whether there was a moment of helplessness or depression when we experienced failure, and we didn't take the initiative to do something like before, and even if we did, it wouldn't last.
Optimistic people are able to come out of failure very quickly and feel that it is an experience that passes quickly.
And pessimistic people will always be immersed in failure because they feel that failure is always there, and then they are depressed all the time.
Therefore, in daily life, parents should give their children an optimistic example, give their children the right criticism, and let their children learn optimistic explanations.