In order to educate children well, you need to first understand the psychology of children.
"Eavesdropping" is a big hobby of children, conforming to the nature of children, putting education in the content of parents' small talk, the effect is wonderful.
Author | Watermelon mother
By chance, I saw a point of view shared by Professor Zeng Shiqiang, which was quite innovative.
He said:
The best way to educate a child is to chat as a couple, not to teach him directly.
When he was a child, Zeng Shiqiang was often naughty and broke into trouble, but his parents rarely educated him directly, nor would they complain that he was not good here and wrong there, and every time he broke into trouble, his parents were chatting and "pulling around" there, completely without mentioning his faults.
When he was a child, he was often confused about a series of operations with his parents, and later became an expert and learned a lot of educational knowledge, and he suddenly realized that his parents had long understood the essence of education.
In his view, it is the nature of every child to "eavesdrop" adults, and the daily chat content of parents is the object of children's imitation and learning.
To educate children, instead of struggling to be reasonable, it is better to turn the object of communication to the partner and embed education in daily husband and wife interactions.
Because how you talk and talk is enough to affect your child's life.
Parents' chat scene
It is the child's first class
Kang Hualan, a writer and scholar of Chinese cultural studies, once shared this passage:
Every bit of the couple's conversation at home will leave an imprint in the child's heart, and the content of the conversation between parents determines the child's worldview, outlook on life and values.
Don't think that children are young and don't understand anything.
Every word you say, the child listens with his ears up, and will gradually be incorporated into his own behavior.
There is a topic on Zhihu: How do your parents subtly influence you?
There was a netizen who appeared to say.
Once I came home from school and overheard my parents' conversation.
It is said that its own beef business is sluggish and squeezed by peers, resulting in a large loss of customers.
Later, after inquiring, it was discovered that several other vendors in the market were filling water with beef to lower prices to attract customers.
He originally thought that his parents would follow suit and use shoddy power, but they said:
"Be kind, not conscionable. You have lost your conscience and lost your character, and even if you gain profit now, you will not go long. ”
"Yes, we still have to come down-to-earth, and doing business is always integrity first."
Later, the vendors in the surrounding wet market changed several times, but their own business was always the most prosperous.
He said that although his parents were not powerful characters, they were busy with their livelihood when they were children, and they rarely cared about him, but they usually sat in on the chat content of their parents and learned how to behave and do things.
Children are the shadow of their parents, and what you say, children learn.
If you are true to your word, the child will be honest with others;
You have two sides and three swords, and the child will also eat the sword.
Just like a colleague of mine, on the surface, she is enthusiastic and very friendly with each of us, but after a long time, you will find that she is a fake person, and she gossiped behind her back at every turn.
Slowly, everyone distanced themselves from her.
Later, she asked me to help mediate and tell her story.
She said that she may have been greatly influenced by her parents, and when she was a child, her mother often gossiped with her father at home.
For example, the neighbor's aunt dresses up every day, but she still can't get married; The uncle next door is high-sounding outside, and he is a "strict wife" with no status at home...
Therefore, she thinks that talking about others behind her back is normal small talk, which is not a big deal, because her parents often tell her: "It's okay if we say these things in private."
American education researcher Betsy Evans said:
"When children see these inappropriate behaviors used by adults when coping with problems, they can easily understand these inappropriate behaviors as acceptable behaviors."
Children do not have the ability to distinguish right from wrong, they will only learn to talk and do things like their parents.
If you want your child to become a sincere and straightforward person, parents must quit talking and talking unobtrusively.
Because your words and deeds are shaping the character of your child.
The level of parental chat, determines the level of the child
I once saw such a scene on the subway:
A little boy was holding his mobile phone to play games, suddenly his mood was high, and a foul word burst out, and when the father next to him heard it, he came up and slapped:
"Damn, who told you to swear?"
When I heard this, I was shocked, my mouth was full of filth, how could I teach a civilized child?
For children, parents are the most communicative people, parents usually open their mouths at home is dirty words, children will also be homogenized.
Those bad habits and mantras that you don't care about will seep into your child's blood and grow into a cancer under long-term ear exposure.
In the parent-child variety show "Don't Underestimate Me", there is a 5-year-old boy named Lei Lei, who also speaks with some dirty words from time to time.
Once, he saw a child arguing in the classroom, and he wanted to be kind enough to dissuade him, but he came up and cursed:
You five idiots, get out of here for me!"
The teachers present at that time were frightened, curious why Lei Lei became "dirty" as soon as he opened his mouth?
Later, Lei Lei handed over the truth, and it turned out that his parents spoke like this at home.
The mother explained that these were just gag jokes, not profanity, but the son spoke more and more unscrupulously under their influence.
In the end, he was branded as an uncultured "bad" child.
I think of a quote from the French educator Rousseau in "Emile":
"Man's education begins at birth, and he is educated before he can speak and listen to others."
Their ears are more sensitive than you think, and their imitation is stronger than you think.
Don't think that your swear words are not directed at the child, it will not affect the child, but in fact, they have already listened to it and used it secretly.
Educate children that parents should always be the one who is one step ahead.
If you want your child to be polite, parents should be cautious in their daily communication and set a good example for their children.
Because the level of your speech determines the level of the child.
If you complain at every turn and have dirty words, the child will also learn and become a full-mouthed lying bed. Trough street slippery.
The highest state of education is "good without teaching"
Professor Li Meijin once shared a story.
A father once asked her:
Teacher Li, everyone around me says that my son is very sensible, but I haven't educated him much, why is he so sensible?
Li Meijin responded:
This is "good without teaching".
An important condition for "being good without teaching" is that parents usually speak and behave as kind and decent.
Education, sometimes does not need to be aimed directly at children, the way you talk at home, has already fixed their lives.
Seeing the education method of a pair of parents on the Internet is worth learning.
As soon as my father arrived home after work, my mother told him that his son had hit the neighbor's child, and he was also tough-mouthed and resolute in refusing to admit his mistake.
After listening to his mother's words, his father was very calm, and after washing his hands, he was ready to eat, and after eating for a while, his father made a look at his mother and began "small talk".
Dad said:
Today a very good young man in our company was fired for fighting with people, and he may be punished, which is too miserable!
In fact, it's just a small thing, if you communicate well, it's nothing at all, and it's a pity that it's so now.
Mom then chimed in:
Yes, using force in case of an accident is the lowest and most stupid way, and in the end things are not solved, and it causes a lot of big trouble.
Speaking well and convincing people with reason is a quality person, and it is also the fundamental way to solve problems and win respect.
The son listened quietly on the sidelines, as if thinking about something.
After a while, he took the initiative to say:
"Mom, you're right, fighting is very uncivilized, and it will cause trouble, and I will go to apologize to the neighbors after eating."
Using various reasoning, or scolding, to force children to obey, often has little effect.
Inadvertently transforming the chat content between couples into the theme of parenting will have unexpected effects.
Education can only exert its power if it conforms to the nature of children.
If you want your child to have taste and cultivation, parents must pay attention to these aspects when they communicate.
1. When chatting, the content must be "elegant"
As the ancients said: "Near Zhu is red, near ink is black".
If the content of the parents' usual chat at home is vulgar and low-interesting, how can the child reveal elegant content.
Children are imitating the appearance of their parents in life, you want children to talk elegantly and knowledgeable, then you yourself should read more.
Pay more attention to valuable content and talk more about meaningful topics, children immersed in it, will naturally be subtly affected.
2. When talking, the volume must be "low"
Stephen Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of the High-Performance Family:
"We are used to yelling at our families, accusing instead of understanding, ordering without communicating, and we all overlook the most critical point: effective communication."
Truly effective communication should be gentle and powerful, rather than relying on whoever has a loud voice is reasonable.
When talking at home, remember to control the volume.
Because the decibels of your speech will be copied into the child's mouth and internalized into your own voice.
Only when parents change the tone, lower the volume, and keep quiet and peaceful can children learn to speak softly in communication.
3. When communicating, emotions must be "stable"
In a healthy family, emotional stability is key.
Life is riddled with trivial matters, and it is normal for the husband and wife to have disputes, but you must not tear your face, fight hard, and leave a shadow on the child for a lifetime.
As it says in Don't Let Emotions Destroy Your Efforts:
"If a family loses in emotional catharsis, no matter how many victories it wins elsewhere, it is a great failure in the matter of building the child's inner world."
Whatever happens, remember to communicate gently.
Parents have a gentle temperament and a happy and peaceful family, so that children are more likely to become emotionally stable and warm people.
True education is the influence of "moisturizing and silent".
The intangible is better than the tangible, and it will be more persuasive and attractive than blunt reasoning.
Like it, share it with more people, and be a chatty and wise parent together!