It is often said that "raising a baby is a mother", but what is more worrying than working for the child's education is that the parents are still worried, and the child "lies flat" first. Is it that there are too many choices to learn that make it difficult to choose, or is it too much pressure on the baby? When encountering a "lying flat" baby, many parents will think of motivating their children to move. But this actually cures the symptoms but not the root cause, because the essence of the problem often lies in the parents' educational methods, which suppresses the child's self-motivation and self-drive.
This article is reproduced from the public number: Fruit Shell Children's School (ID: guokr_kid)
Wen 丨 Lizheng mother Editor 丨 Antelope Editor 丨 Luna
On weekends, the baby was sent to the interest class, and a few mothers who knew each other made an appointment to have afternoon tea nearby.
As soon as she sat down, Doudou's mother asked for help with a sad face: "What to do?" My family's piano class has been going for a year, and every time I practice the piano, I still dance the chicken flying dog. ”
When the mothers heard this, they began to express their opinions: "Are you too demanding?" "Do you usually have too many classes and too much pressure?" "If Wa really doesn't like it, otherwise change to one he likes!" ”
Doudou's mother listened to it and sighed heavily: "That's the problem!" It's not that he doesn't like it, but he just doesn't want to go to class, doesn't want to practice the piano, just wants to play casually. You are materially tempted, and he does not care; You let him compete and he is not motivated; You encourage him to take the grade, he is not interested; Lazy all day long, like a retired little old man! ”
After listening to it, Xiaoyu's mother on the side excitedly slapped the table: "How is it so similar to my girl, she is not motivated at all." I don't have any hobbies, I don't have motivation to do anything, and it doesn't matter if I ask anything! You push it, she moves, it's really sad! ”
However, the "lying flat" is not born. The experience behind every child who seems to be "unenterprising" is not as simple as we think.
The most "motivated" kid I've ever met
All 3 qualities
In the face of a child who can't push, don't listen, and scold without feeling, parents often rush to the braincase with a nameless fire, and want to explode at any time.
I couldn't help but ask: "Why is this baby not self-motivated!" ”
But in fact, every baby who is buttoned up with the "unmotivated" hat has unspeakable grievances in his heart.
1. If the child is not energetic, first look at the family atmosphere
A family in which parents lie flat in front of their children every day, always losing their children to entertain themselves, and most of the children are "not energetic" to life.
A family where parents are active and self-disciplined, have plans and drive, have certain requirements for themselves, and often study, interact, and travel together, it is difficult for children to "have no requirements" for themselves.
Parents are the mirror of the child, and the child looks for the cognition of life from the parents. The overall atmosphere and rhythm of the family outline the different visions of life in the child's heart.
If the family environment is too negative and lazy growing up, children naturally feel that life is boring, absent-minded about anything, and not energetic.
2. Get used to being "arranged" and don't want to use your brain
The more contemporary parents pay attention to their children, how full their children's lives are.
"Get up in the morning and read ancient poems in the morning, listen to English audio while eating and grind your ears, read a book for half an hour after lunch, get on the car home from school, record the English by the way, take a live class after dinner, do homework and jump rope to relax, sleep and listen to the audio of ancient poetry to fall asleep..."
Source丨"Dear Little Desk" Xu Jingkai's mother arranged her child's daily study in a tight manner
The daily task list is clear at a glance, but the child living in the planner loses himself. Accustomed to parents chasing behind and ears to raise orders, always urging, gradually no longer willing to use their own brains.
Psychology guru K. Horney coined the phrase: "tyranny of shoulds."
When life is like no freedom under the rule of tyrants, only "should" and "should not", the people will gradually lose their own will, ignore their feelings, thoughts, needs, and finally become: no desire, follow the flow, pain and confusion, passivity and slack...
If parents set and plan everything for their children, they have never listened to the voice of their children's hearts and have not paid attention to their children's joys and sorrows. Slowly, children who are not seen will also "see" themselves.
Like a puppet, I lost my motivation and lost my thoughts. What is followed is the label of "not motivated".
Source丨"Dear Little Desk" Kai Kai, who was forced to write 376 test papers during the holiday, faced everyone's inquiries, but said that he "has no name"
3. After long-term suppression, becoming "learned helplessness"
Martin Seligman, the "father of positive psychology", spent 30 years tracking thousands of people, and finally discovered a major secret hidden in the parenting style that has a huge impact on children's growth but is ignored:
Most children who have problems in learning and life are not really incompetent, but the frustrations that accompany them along the way, making them full of pessimism about learning and life.
Seligman calls this manifestation "learned helplessness"—a mistaken way of evaluating it based on long-term negative experiences. Negative judgmental behavior towards oneself and events, a state of mind that feels hopeless and helpless about reality.
And the formation of this "learned helplessness" interpretation style has a huge relationship with the parenting style from childhood.
Source丨《Stars on Earth》
If in the process of growing up, often suffer setbacks and blows, children are prone to be full of doubts about themselves, full of pessimism about the world, and more likely to form a low self-esteem personality. Over time, this "helplessness" will become a lifelong "psychological habit" that spreads into new situations.
"I can't, I can't do it, so I give up." Long-term negative interpretation of self makes children slowly give up trying, succumb to the status quo, and become sluggish.
Is the child unenterprising? No, they have given up on themselves.
Source丨TED "How to raise successful children without over-discipline"
"Not motivated" children's positive parenting methods
What is "self-motivated"? It refers to "a strong desire to be better." ”
As the old saying goes, "You can't help a bean sprout grow by pulling, you have to give it sunshine and rain." The same goes for nurturing your child's self-motivation. Not by encouragement, preaching, and reprimanding, but by igniting the small motor in the heart, so that the small seeds spontaneously break through the soil and grow towards the sun.
How? These three ways of positive parenting are taught to you.
1. If you want your baby to be positive, parents should first set a good example
Many people think that the birth of Xueba was forced out by the tiger mother and wolf father with the whip. But Dong Jixiang, a champion in Anhui Province, said in an interview: "Occasionally I get tired of school and don't want to read, and after my parents notice it, they won't say anything, just turn off the TV at home, sit down and read, which invisibly calms my heart." Seeing them reading, I was embarrassed not to read. ”
And Yang Chenyu, a champion in Guangxi who broke the college entrance examination score record, the loving mother behind him also said: "I never let my children study, and I play with my own mobile phone." ”
Tao Li does not speak, the next is its own. Parents' words and deeds hide the path of children's growth. A positive attitude, a good learning atmosphere, and a learning example for children are the engine movements that help children improve.
Source丨《Little Huanxi》
2. Let go more and give your child autonomy
Julie Lythcott-Haims, who has served as provost at Stanford University for nearly a decade and has led 20,000 new students, once pointed out in her TED talk "How to raise successful children without over-discipline":
Checklist childhood, with excessive parental help, overprotection and over-guidance, can deprive children of opportunities to build self-efficacy.
Source丨TED "How to raise successful children without over-discipline"
Children who are accustomed to being arranged cannot live their own lives.
Meticulous list-based parenting is a lifeless potted plant with cut branches and leaves, rather than a giant tree with infinite vitality and possibilities.
Source丨《Stars on Earth》
Compared with running around between training courses every day, cramming in the clock-in, brushing questions, staring at how many tasks the child has completed, and stimulating the child's internal drive for independent learning is the key to really allowing children to learn more and go further.
Letting go gives children more autonomy over their own lives and learning, which will stimulate children to think, plan and act more, allowing them to reflect and grow in practice and mistakes.
Source丨《Amazing Mother》
Instead of urging the child forward, it is better to stop and listen to the child's heart;
Instead of taking care of your child's life, try to let go more and allow them to make their own schedule;
Instead of worrying about children hitting a wall all the time, it is better to let them explore independently, and feel the realization of every dream in practice, and they must strive for progress.
Children who find self-efficacy also find the "self-motivation" that parents expect. As it is said in "Spiritual Journey": not every child can succeed, but children with "sparks" will definitely sparkle.
3. Cultivate "learned optimism" in children
Warren Buffett once said: "The only thing parents should do for their children is to find their children's passions, encourage them to pursue them with all their might, and give full play." ”
Source丨《Amazing Mother》
This is also the three-step method of cultivating "learned optimism" proposed by "Teaching Optimistic Children" - "prevention, control and reinforcement".
Achieve "satisfying performance" by making children feel that they are "capable", "valuable", and "performing well". In this way, it establishes the recognition of one's own behavior, the identification of self-awareness, and creates an optimistic mood in the face of difficulties.
When a child has positive emotions, an optimistic interpretation style for things, and a sense of self-control over life, then the inner universe will only burst out with unlimited power.
This sense of control is an important source of "self-motivation".
Image source: "The Whimsical World of North Nose"
The love and trust of parents is the fertile soil for the seed of "progress" to be born into the sun, and it is the greatest confidence for children to move forward courageously.
Author | Lizheng mother, parent-child author, senior children's emotional intelligence management guidance consultant of the Ministry of Human Resources and Social Security, and children's reading promoter of the Chinese Library Association.
Resources
[1] Fundamentals of Psychotherapy (US) Bruce E. Vampold, translated by Yuan Xiaoyan, Chongqing University Press, 2020.10.
[2] Teaching Optimistic Children (US) by Martin Seligman, Karen Levic, Lisa Jacox, Jane Gillum, produced by Zhanlu Culture, Beijing United Publishing Company, 2017.05
[3] "68 college entrance examination champions in the country, family education is strikingly similar!" Author: Yuzhi Yier, NetEase, 2020.08.01
[4]《How to raise successful kids — without over-parenting》Julie Lythcott-Haims