Many parents choose to have one more child, in addition to pinning their parents' own expectations on Erbao, they also hope that the two children can take care of each other when they grow up and become each other's emotional support.
The original intention of parents to give birth to Erbao is good, but when tasting the happiness of having Erbao, you also need patience and wisdom to face the natural competition and jealousy that exists between siblings.
In many families, after the birth of Erbao, Dabao will be seriously neglected and often treated unfairly, such as parents paying too much attention to Erbao, and forcefully asking Dabao to endure and let more, which leads to two children unable to get along peacefully, Dabao often feels that the existence of Erbao robbed him of the love he deserved, regarded Erbao as an "enemy", felt that his parents were "partial", and was full of anger at Erbao and his parents.
Some Dabao feel that their status has been replaced by Erbao, their existence has become unimportant and worthless, everyone loves Erbao and does not love themselves, they have no one to love, no one hurts, and there is no sense of belonging at home.
Some Dabao will even do some extreme behavior, such as harming themselves (suicide, self-harm, running away from home, self-degradation, etc.), harming younger siblings (deliberately letting Erbao go missing, attacking Erbao, etc.), hurting parents, etc.
Recently, People's Daily reported that a girl in Hangzhou climbed up the outer edge of the window on the 24th floor to jump because she was gambling with her family.
It is understood that the girl is 14 years old this year, and there is a 5-year-old brother at home, and her father works in the field all year round. The girl thinks that her academic performance is not good enough, she feels that her family loves her brother more, she is simple and rude when communicating with herself, and she is always very patient with her brother, so she gambles and climbs the window to jump off the building. The girl was very emotional and did not allow the family to come near her, saying, "Anyway, they have a brother, I jump, [they] won't be sad." ”
Xiaomin, a 24-year-old girl, opened the valve of a liquefied gas tank in her father's and stepmother's bedroom and tried to kill her sleeping parents. Later, worried about his father's cough, he turned back to the bedroom to tighten the valve, but he screwed it in the wrong direction, and the gas leaked more and more and made a "squeaking" sound.
The father who woke up quickly called the police after discovering the situation, but he never thought that the suspect was his daughter. In front of the police, Xiaomin talked about the motive for the crime, saying that "my parents are too good for my younger brother, and my heart is unbalanced." Xiaomin also said that he gave up halfway because he regretted it.
There are many cases similar to this because of jealousy of younger siblings, some deliberately let them go away because they are jealous of their younger siblings, some intentionally or unintentionally cause them to be hurt because they are jealous of Erbao, and some take care of their younger siblings on the surface by listening to their parents, but often attack their younger siblings while their parents are not paying attention.
There is a similarity in these cases: older children, because they see that their parents love their younger siblings so much, and slowly neglect themselves, in contrast, they feel that because of the appearance of younger siblings, their parents do not love themselves, so they are full of hatred and resentment towards their parents, younger siblings. The attacks of older children on themselves (suicide, self-harm, running away from home, self-degradation, etc.) are actually attacking and accusing parents - "I hurt your child (myself), see if you are not distressed and regretful!"
In adolescent psychological counseling, many older children, after trusting the counselor, express that they want to run away from home or commit suicide and self-harm, because they feel that their parents do not love themselves enough, feel that they run away from home or die, parents will be worried, painful, desperate, will constantly miss themselves, and constantly reflect and repent of their mistakes, hoping that their behavior of running away from home or suicide can wake up their parents, and also let parents personally experience the pain and despair that they often experience in their hearts, and see them crying and constantly repenting, Only then will they forgive them for the harm they have done to themselves.
A person's external behavior is often the externalization of TA's inner desire, because the inner desire is not satisfied, so he will satisfy himself through external behavior.
Many times, we only see the child's outward behavior, but not the inner desire of the child. "Anyway, they have a younger brother, they won't care how I am (good or bad)", this is the helplessness and complaint in the heart of the eldest child. The desire for love and attention in the heart of the eldest child is not seen by the parents, but they very much want to be seen by the parents, if the good performance is not affirmed and supported in time, then use a worse, worse, and more destructive way for the parents to see!
These changes in older children, on the one hand, are related to the fact that after the birth of younger siblings, parents reduce their attention to older children, and on the other hand, they are related to the fear and anxiety of older children who are afraid that love will be taken away by younger siblings.
In a family system, the arrival of new members must affect the balance of the system. Before the arrival of younger siblings, older children have always been "pampered by thousands of people" in the family, and they will feel in their hearts that "Mom and Dad only love themselves".
The sudden appearance of the "competitor" of younger siblings often makes older children feel that their status is threatened, very panicked, and even appear degenerative, becoming weaker and more "naïve" than before, such as being able to sleep alone, but suddenly dare not sleep alone; I was already wetting the bed, but suddenly I wet the bed again; Originally it was okay to study, but suddenly I couldn't learn it or couldn't take the exam, and I needed to be constantly supervised by my parents; Often sick, easily injured... These manifestations are subconsciously eager to receive more love from parents.
Regarding whether to discuss the arrival of Erbao with the eldest child in advance, Xu Wenjiao, a psychological counselor for adolescents and children, believes that whether parents want to have a second child is the decision of the parents themselves, not the decision and responsibility of the eldest child.
Erbao is the parent's own child, is the decision and responsibility between husband and wife, Erbao is not Dabao's child, nor was he born for Dabao, Dabao has no responsibility, let alone obligation to bear the choice of whether Erbao was born or not.
It is best for parents to make their own choices, but at the same time respect Dabao's status in the family, inform Dabao in advance that there will be a younger brother or sister, and let Dabao accept this possible occurrence and be mentally prepared.
At this time, parents can tell Dabao that his love for TA will not be reduced because of Erbao, but more importantly, "do what he says"! Dabao experienced in his previous life experience that "parents only love me one", this belief will be broken by the arrival of Erbao, the new belief "parents love younger siblings, also love me" has not yet been established, nor has it been experienced, Dabao naturally wants to believe what his parents say, but also doubts.
Therefore, since the parents promised that their love for Dabao would not decrease because of the arrival of Erbao, they needed to do it to Dabao in the first two or three years after Erbao's birth, so that Dabao was really sure that "my younger brothers and sisters will not take away my parents" and "my parents love me as always".
After Erbao is born, parents need to understand: loving Erbao is the parents' own business, not Dabao's matter, Dabao can love or not, Dabao loves younger siblings, because TA loves his parents, and by the way, loves his parents' children - younger siblings. Then in the relationship with younger siblings, there is an emotional connection, and from the bottom of my heart I am willing to take care of and care for my younger siblings.
Many parents desire to be fair, just, and love the two children equally, but this is very difficult, first, because the two children themselves have objective differences, how to be "equal" to be "fair"? This "average" standard is too complicated, and it is difficult for children to truly recognize; The second is that children want "complete" love, not "equalized" love.
When treating two children, it is not necessary to score equally, but to be unique, so that each child feels that he is loved, has a complete love that belongs to him, and understands that he is an independent individual, each different, and there is no need to compare with each other everywhere.
Generally speaking, in the first two or three years of Erbao's birth, the more parents recognize Dabao, the more they respect Dabao, the more they love Dabao, the more Dabao is willing to treat Erbao kindly, take care of and love younger siblings with their parents, and even some parents will find that Dabao Erbao is very close, Erbao trusts and relies on Dabao, and Dabao also has the responsibility of being an older brother and sister.
And if Dabao and Erbao have a closer relationship, the more Erbao worships Dabao, feels that Dabao is very powerful, and also wants to imitate and follow Dabao to become a "very powerful" person, which promotes the growth of Erbao. Dabao feels the beautiful feeling of being attached, trusted, and adored in this process, and is more willing to help and guide Erbao, and get satisfaction, a sense of achievement, and even pride from it.
Of course, in the relationship between the two babies, Dabao and his parents will face some challenges, such as the conflicting needs of the two treasures, Dabao and Erbao facing the choice of gain and loss, and parents facing how to balance the conflict. When there is a conflict between Dabao and Erbao, parents should not be judges and arbiters, but should be a regulator, see the emotions and needs of each child in the conflict, and guide them to deal with it themselves.
Generally speaking, parents' arbitration and judgment will make children feel that their parents have defended one party and criticized the other, which will exacerbate the conflict. Moreover, sometimes the conflict between children is to compete for the love of their parents, and the parents themselves are the source of their conflict, so parents should not intervene, let the children deal with it themselves, let the children feel that the parents have no signs of preference for the two children, the children will learn to persist or compromise in the conflict, learn to better balance their own needs and the needs of others, and will know how to cooperate better in interpersonal communication, and be better at dealing with conflicts.
Listen to the conclusion of psychological counseling
It has been said that the best gift in the world for children is "brothers and sisters", learning together, playing together, growing together, and when parents are old, they are still important in each other's lives! It is hoped that parents can turn competition and jealousy between children into benign in the early child, promote the healthy development of children and brotherhood, and learn to love and be loved better.
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation