Like most parents around me, when my child reaches adolescence, my "nightmare" begins.
The originally well-behaved and obedient children suddenly turned into "problem teenagers", and all kinds of bad behaviors emerged in an endless stream.
Bored with school, addicted to games, addicted to the Internet, playing mobile phones... And what gives me the most headache is his procrastination and rubbing.
01
My son is in the first year of junior high school this year, and he is in the adolescence of self-awareness awakening and temper.
There are a lot of problems on the body, procrastination, rubbing, not loving to learn, etc., I still can't say it, it's like lighting an explosive package, and you want to fight with me.
Especially this grinding force, it almost forced me out of high blood pressure.
Every morning to school, the time is already very tight, but the son fiddled with his hair for a while, and then said that he forgot to take his homework, and always stuck out the door;
The first thing I do when I come home from school is to play with my mobile phone, and every day I say that I only play for a while to study, but I often delay it until more than 8 o'clock, and I finish my homework at 11 o'clock!
Finally began to learn, but wandering, passive slack is the norm, in his father's words, is "do not want to learn at all, pure grinding foreign work"!
I couldn't bear it any longer and hurriedly urged:
"Hurry up! Grinding and rubbing all day long! ”
"Can you use dim sum, you learned it for yourself, not for us!"
The son always responded with a cold face, or just shouted irritably:
"Well, stop nagging!"
"Knowing, every day I know the urge, learn to learn, not bothered!"
My son's learning status, let me see in the eyes, anxious in the heart, junior high school learning tasks are heavy, he is so passive and procrastinating learning attitude, how to improve the grades?
Sure enough, several consecutive tests have verified this: my son's grades have dropped one after another, his enthusiasm for learning has become increasingly low, and his boredom has become stronger and stronger.
In the face of the bear child who can't get in the oil and salt, in desperation, in addition to learning I can't learn for him, I do everything else:
In the morning, prepare meals for my son, and even help squeeze in toothpaste;
At night, help your son prepare the clothes he will wear the next day, and polish his shoes;
When studying, I sat behind him with all the homework and supervised him to improve his learning efficiency.
That day, because my son's things were always messed up, I helped him clean up the room when he was away.
Unexpectedly, my son lost his temper when he came home and blamed me for cleaning up his exam papers.
And warned me that if I dared to touch his things again, he would never learn again, preferring to sit dry.
I was very angry: "You don't clean up the house yourself, I help you clean up and complain?" "You just don't want to learn, so do everything you can to make excuses!"
The son listened to the excitement and was even more violent, "I don't need your help at all!" You just keep moving yourself and disgusting others! ”
"I hate you nosy mom!" Can you stay away from me! ”
That day, my son and I had an unprecedented heated argument, and for the week that followed, my son didn't take the initiative to say a word to me.
02
My son's attitude made me sad, but his words kept ringing in my ears.
Why did my meticulousness to my son become a nosy matter in his heart?
It wasn't until I joined the Adolescent Parents Development Course that I figured out what I was doing wrong.
The teacher told me: "Many parents think that everything is good for their children, but children often dislike such mothers, especially in adolescence. ”
"Psychology shows that behind people's behavior habits, there must be a corresponding psychological motivation, behind the child's procrastination and rubbing, it is likely that there is a problem with the interaction mode between parent-child relationship."
In fact, procrastination itself is not a very serious problem, not only children, but also adults often have procrastination. But have parents ever wondered why their children "teach and don't change"?
I didn't understand it for a moment, and the teacher further told me:
From the perspective of adults, parents try their best to take care of everything for their children, but on the other hand, they constantly blame their children, do not take the initiative to learn, do not seize the time, do not clean up the house...
And from the child's point of view, they will think: Isn't this all you took the initiative to do for me? Why blame me again? Then you don't have to do it.
When parents have always raised their children as objects that need to be taken care of, the child's self-functioning will also be outsourced.
Over time, this often leads to these problems:
1, the child is afraid of failure, dare not try, hard
When many parents mention their children, they often say: "My children are actually very smart, but they are lazy and do not work hard." ”
After talking for a long time, children often believe it.
First of all, smart labels can cause a child's narcissistic psychology, which will produce a sense of superiority.
But learning is a process that requires hard work and spirals of results, mixed with difficulties and failures.
Even if your child works hard, he may not be able to get good grades.
At this time, the child will choose not to study, or the learning attitude is not correct, such as procrastination, carelessness, etc., to find an excuse for their poor grades.
The meaning of the presentation is: "I just didn't study hard, if I work hard, I will definitely learn well." ”
Therefore, what parents see is the bad behavior and learning attitude of the child who has not changed, but the deep reason hidden behind it is that the child is afraid of failure and afraid of damaging his own narcissism.
2. The child's own learning motivation is lacking
Like the previous question, learning is a matter of hard work.
Some children have average grades and cannot get a sense of achievement and value from learning.
After entering junior high school, the amount of learning tasks increases sharply, and children want to escape in the face of difficult and unpleasant experiences.
It is not surprising that you procrastinate when studying, have difficulty concentrating, and look at your phone for a while in a daze.
In addition to coping with academic challenges, they are also subject to constant urging and orders from parents, and the emotional connection between children and learning itself is even more damaged.
If parents escalate the control methods to reprimands and scolding, the child's mentality will directly collapse and they will be tired of learning in their hearts.
Whenever the child thinks of learning, the child subconsciously emerges with negative emotions.
It can be said that procrastination and friction are not the "passive resistance" that parents think, but a kind of resistance and defense of the child itself.
So what can be done to improve the child's boredom with school and help him regain motivation to learn?
The teacher told me that the method is actually very simple: give things back to the child, and encourage and support the child.
03
1, parents know how to quit, the child's things back to himself
The teacher said that in thousands of cases in the bootcamp, many families exposed the problem.
Because children are not well accustomed to learning and have little initiative, parents will intervene more and more.
Gradually, the child's initiative in learning is completely lost, and in the face of learning, it changes from the internal motivation to the external motivation, that is, the parents' nagging, supervision and so on.
And learning, in the final analysis, is the child's business, not the parent's business.
If the child does not have an internal drive, the child cannot learn actively and spontaneously, and the learning efficiency and performance cannot be discussed.
When parents gradually return the autonomy of learning to their children and let the children take responsibility for the results themselves, the children will slowly find their state.
I remembered the educational model I had for my son along the way.
He procrastinated slightly—I didn't like it, and began to urge—procrastination intensified, passive boredom—I increased discipline and supervision—and he was even more abrasive and bored with school.
It can be said that if I had not overly intervened in the beginning, my child may not be bored with school today.
2. Support children to do more of what they like and increase self-esteem and self-confidence
The teacher said that in fact, in the beginning, all children themselves are self-motivated.
It is only in the process of growing up, because of some inappropriate interaction and education of parents, gradually let the children lose the motivation and interest in learning.
If the current child's school aversion is very strong and there is really no interest in learning, then let the child do something he likes and is good at first.
For example, writing, playing basketball, drawing, etc., anything positive can be done.
When the child finds his sense of worth and accomplishment in these things, his whole state will change.
At this time, parents go to guide their children and transfer their positive inner energy to learning, which is a matter of course.
04
In the process of continuous learning, I changed little by little, changed my own inherent thinking concepts, and also adjusted the way I got along with my children.
Before, I always "lived by myself", but now, I have learned to "think in empathy".
I shared my learning experience with my son during this time and told him that he would completely change his original mode of getting along and give him back the autonomy of learning and life.
"You are already a little teenager, in fact, you can handle these things yourself, but before your mother did not understand, too much interference."
After repeated communication and confirmation, my son finally believed that I was serious.
He cheered, ran around the living room excitedly, and offered to promise me, "I won't abuse my freedom, unconsciously." ”
Later in life, I only did my duty as a mother, to ensure that my son ate nutritiously, dressed warmly, picked up and dropped off at school, and other times, I did not interfere, did not urge, just accompanied by my heart.
At the beginning, although the son promised to be proactive, not procrastinating, and studying seriously, when it came time to do it, he often repeated it.
Sometimes I start studying late, and I often look at my phone at home on weekends.
When I was a little worried, I always remembered what the teacher said in the lesson:
"Everything has a process of acceptance and a process of change, and our purpose is not to make the child change immediately, but to set an ultimate goal for each other, so that the child can finally get used to it." 」
"Don't worry, believe that children have their own rhythm."
"Don't rush to criticize the child for not changing at all, the child spent two hours yesterday and an hour and a half today, which is also a change."
Indeed, it is better to let the child walk step by step, step by step, than to consume all the strength and only get better for a short time.
Although it was a little slower, I saw a welcome change.
Children who have "taken" and ruined their autonomy have begun to establish their own code of conduct in the process of trial and error, response, and resolution. He thoroughly understood that "I am the protagonist" of learning and life, and he also realized that he had a responsibility for learning and life.
In this way, in the days when my son was actively coping, the problems of procrastination and rubbing were swept away, and the motivation to learn was slowly found.
The teacher also specially praised my son's changes with me: "Before, I could see at a glance that his mind was not on learning at all. Now the initiative is very high, the homework is also completed in a timely manner, as long as it continues to be maintained, his next grades will certainly not be bad. ”
And all this is my timely withdrawal from my son's study and life, and his spontaneous growth and change.
As parents, we always want our children to be faster, faster, learn to be active, and take the initiative.
Learning is ultimately a matter for the child. Only children who have mobilized the internal drive to learn can actively learn and take the initiative to learn.
Finally, please pay attention to me, we grow together~