Author: Slow Heat Hi (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolutionary Mother: Parents do not skimp on their own empathy, so that children can breed inner strength, integrate this power into the bones and blood, and grow in a better direction.
Zhihu saw a parent's request for help: "When scolding the child, the child will only answer: "It doesn't matter, I am garbage", and will not fiercely refute, what kind of psychology does this reflect the child? ”
Parents also mentioned that they often reprimand their children for all kinds of bad, learning is not as good as others, doing stingy things, and so on.
Netizens in the comment area were also angered by the parent's understatement: parents do not understand education, force their children to the point of discouragement, and in turn ask the children what psychology?
It's like a quack doctor who makes a patient die and asks how the condition can be like this?
How accurate to complain, when the child begins to self-destruct, the parents still do not reflect on themselves, a problem of finding the child, the child who admits that he is garbage, how desperate should it be?
International parenting expert Adele Farber once said:
Never underestimate the impact of your words on a child's life.
While language is harmless to the body, it is extremely harmful to mental and emotional health.
The child will not refute it, because the parent never gives the child a chance to speak
Netizen @I Love Roast Pork shared such a story.
When I was very young, my mother was afraid that I would catch a cold, so when she helped me take a bath, she would use very hot and hot water.
Every time I made water, she would test the water temperature with her hands and put me in the tub.
For a child with delicate skin and most of his body soaked in water, the water temperature was really annoying, and the body was strangely painful.
I protested to my mom more than once: "The water is too hot. ”
My mother was always indifferent, and every time she said, "I don't think it's hot at all, it's okay, it's cold when you wash it." ”
More times, I felt that it was useless to say it, and I said it in vain, but I just thought that taking a bath was really a painful thing.
At one point, I was burned down and cried.
My mom was confused and asked me what was wrong.
I cried and said, "The bath water is too hot, too hot!" ”
My mom said, "Why didn't you say it earlier!" ”
Give me cold water on the side.
Parents sometimes do not understand some abnormal behavior of children, do not understand why they are like that, and blame them for not being willing to communicate with themselves.
How did not communicate, I have said many times, the bath water is very hot!
Communicating with parents can make a child so desperate, not to mention the child's rebuttal when parents criticize their children.
There is a famous learned helplessness experiment in psychology:
Shut up the puppy with an electric shock, because it is in the cage so the puppy has no way to dodge.
At first, the puppy tried to get rid of the dilemma of being shocked, but after too many times it could not be avoided, it slowly gave up, at this time, even if the cage was removed and then electrocuted, the dog would not dodge, but would only scream and tremble at the same time.
Children who do not want to refute are like puppies in the experiment, because even if they resist, they cannot escape the cage of clicks, and the number of times is more, so they slowly give up.
Many parents are accustomed to relying on their own feelings and understanding, making judgments about their children's words and deeds, firmly believing themselves, not accepting their children's rebuttals, and never listening to their children's explanations.
This will make the child fall into the cycle of learned helplessness, anyway, parents only believe in their own feelings, only by their own judgment, explanations do not listen, communication can not play a role in communication, rebuttal will only bring more fierce quarrels, more is better than less.
Over time, a habit is formed, facing the parents, the child does not say, does not explain, does not refute.
Host Bai Yansong once said: The biggest problem in the current situation of education in China is not the school and society, but the re-improvement of parents.
It is not terrible that there is a problem with the child, what is terrible is the self-righteousness of the parents.
The child does not say it because the parents have not given them the opportunity to open their mouths and do not refute it, because the child clearly knows that the rebuttal is nothing more than a meaningless struggle.
Without refutation, it is the beginning of a child's self-pua
It is not a good thing that children do not refute it.
Parents scold children, children will not stop loving their parents, but they will stop loving themselves.
In the British national psychology book "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist", there is such an allegory about infancy:
Imagine living on a tiny planet with only three people: you and two others.
Those two people are more than twice as tall as you are, and you have to rely on them completely for everything, not only to eat and drink, but also to meet your emotional needs.
They are usually all nice to you and you respond to them with love, but sometimes they get angry with you, which makes you feel scared and unhappy, they are tall and powerful, so you feel very helpless.
Unfortunately, there is no way to escape from this environment, so you have to endure this situation and learn how to deal with it as much as you can.
For the criticism and bad treatment of parents, children in early childhood will not actually respond to their parents' behavior through logical thinking and making plans.
But they will learn from experience, learn a survival strategy, and develop a set of behaviors to deal with parents and others.
That is, every child must learn how to adjust his basic behavior to cope with the initial situation in which he is in.
These adjustments are like the nucleus of an atom, and all subsequent behaviors are formed and developed around this core, and these earliest experiences shape the prototype of the personality, so the child cannot deny it or forget it.
When a child's self-esteem is stimulated to a certain extent, self-destruction becomes another mode of self-preservation, which is a strategy learned from past experience.
Children who give up refutation are actually more worrying than children who refute fiercely.
In the book "Self-Awakening, Giving Children the Best Native Family", it is mentioned:
Parents' harshness towards their children, hurtful attitudes, prejudices, and unreasonable expectations will be internalized in the child's sense of self-esteem to form a set of anti-self inner voices, so that the child becomes self-aggressive.
Children actually know what their parents want and expect, if they don't follow their parents' ideas, they still have 100 communication skills waiting for them, so the most convenient thing to do is not to refute and ostensibly identify with their parents.
Although the child will not refute it with his mouth, he will begin to pua himself in his heart.
The behavior of self-pua people is manifested by:
There is often a sense of unworthiness, when a good thing happens, you will immediately think about when the bad thing is close to face, praise will search out all kinds of bad things to offset the praise of others, habitually despise yourself, endless self-denial, self-loathing.
I have a friend next to me who found that she used to be self-pua a lot of the time, and this has a lot to do with her experience as a child:
Since he was a child, his mother would often say to him: How can you be so short, and you have not inherited me and your father at all; why do you behave so strangely? Why did you go that way?
The child will tend to believe anything his parents say, and he gradually identifies with the fact that he is very strange.
No matter what he did, he was afraid to think that he really had a problem, even as an adult, trapped by the discomfort and fear of others laughing at him, and it was difficult to be himself.
Parents verbal criticism, children can choose not to refute, but does not mean that the blow and harm caused by derogatory and reprimand will disappear.
These shadows are likely to run through the years and be frozen in the child's life forever.
Empathy is the most precious gift that parents can give to their children
Many parents often wonder: Why do children still not listen to what they say so many times? Won't change?
In fact, most of the children who are disobedient and unwilling to change are children who are not understood.
Knowing that the last netizen shared his experience of adolescence, he said that he was particularly grateful to his father.
Because he was struggling to learn, he showed serious aversion to learning.
Every time the teacher talked to him, he would only feel very annoyed, especially wanted to confront the teacher; as soon as he came home, his mother complained that he did not understand things and that his study was poor, and he was prone to anger, and several times he pretended to be sick and did not go out at home.
Later, dad knew that it was useless to say anything to him, so he took a month's leave to accompany him at home.
He was unreasonable, did not persuade him to go to school, played chess with him every day, went out for a walk and went shopping, and did not mention his questions.
Miraculously, after more than a month, he suddenly became enlightened, realized that he could not study without reading, and offered to go to school.
It was during this experience that his parents became very gentle with him, asking for his opinion on things first, and finally he chose his favorite profession and later became a good pet doctor.
American psychologist Carl Rogers believes that parents unconditionally and actively pay attention to children can become a person with a sound personality.
Parents who are truly well-patterned do not ask their children to obey, on the contrary, they all have empathy.
We try to put ourselves in the context of the child and empathize with the child's thoughts.
In life, at work, we make mistakes and will not worry about being criticized and blamed.
When a child makes a mistake, we should also have empathy.
Lowering the posture of parents, crouching down and asking children, understanding the ins and outs of things, and the needs of children, such communication is effective.
Parents do not skimp on their own empathy, so that children can breed inner strength, integrate this power into the bones and blood, and grow in a better direction.
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