The Intensive Reading Jun General Dictionary has been launched with 1849/2000 entries
Today is the 3084th day of intensive reading to accompany you throughout your lifelong growth
01
In these years, there are often people who have difficulties because of blind dates.
When you encounter something you don't like, you don't know how to refuse, and you don't know how to communicate effectively when you meet someone who likes, so it has become the choice of many people to collect opinions and suggestions from the majority of netizens on the Internet.
A few days ago, there was such a girl.
The girl posted that she asked netizens to support them to see how to scold a blind date they had contacted.
She said that she and the boy were acquainted in the form of a blind date.
After the two met once, the girl became fond of the boy.
Girls feel more active, and even "a little licking".
But these days, it seems that the progress is not going well.
Last week, during the chat, the boy did not reply to her in the end, and she sent another message the next night, but still did not get a reply.
The girl was angry and felt that the boy was too rude, so she wanted to find a netizen to make a move and scold the boy:
"I was so angry that I wanted to scold him and ask the jimei to help me."
A screenshot of the conversation between the two was attached.
The screenshot shows that the boy's mother should be sick.
On Thursday night, the boy said: "She said her liver hurt a little, and I was helping her hang up an expert number." ”
Girl: "You should only be able to hang up the ordinary number on the weekend, the expert number does not seem to go to work on the weekend, you can hang up the ordinary number first." ”
The boy replied, agreeing with the girl's statement, "It seems that yes, it can only be hung up on Monday." ”
So the girl asked him again: "Then do you hang up a normal number late on the weekend?" ”
At this point, it seems that the dialogue is very normal, who expected the girl to ask again:
"Or go play script killing with us, hahaha."
After that, the boys no longer reply to the girls.
After two days, there was still no message, and after the girl's suggestion from her friend, she sent another message to express her concern, but the boy still did not reply.
At this point, the girl was very angry.
I have already opened my mouth to care about it so "three or four times", why the boy is still "so rude" and does not reply to her message.
But I didn't expect that after she let the majority of netizens support the recruitment, the answer she got was:
"You're good if he didn't block you."
"I think he didn't scold you but didn't reply to you, he already had a good temper."
"Ignore you, sincerely apologize!"
Someone scolded her, "People's mother is sick, you still hahaha told him to play script with you to kill, you can't figure it out?" ”
The answer she gave was that she had been scolded by her friends, and later felt that it was inappropriate to say so, but it was only "a reply that didn't have a brain at the time."
And yesterday I have taken the initiative to care about it, but the boy still does not reply.
Netizens asked her to think about it in a different position, but she still said, "But I cared yesterday, what does it mean not to reply directly?" ”
The girl felt that her sentence was just an inadvertent mistake, and she had already taken the initiative to reply to express her concern later, but the boy was so unappreciative, so she wanted to scold him.
According to her logic, if you dare to do something wrong, as long as you apologize, the other party must accept it, and if you don't accept it, you will be condemned, and even scolded in turn.
Even, she did not say sorry to the boy in a serious way, so that she felt that the boy was "rude".
However, the real impolite thing is herself.
02
More and more replies to the post, everyone is accusing this girl of low emotional intelligence.
So the girl changed the title of the post to "How to apologize to this boy."
Saying that you have recognized your mistake, but you are a love idiot, how can you apologize?
Some netizens replied to her: "This is not about love, it is selfish, there is no empathy." ”
The girls couldn't stand it:
"I don't have to say such a thing, I said that at that time, my head was hot, and I used it habitually hahaha, I thought he was looking for a reason to refuse to play the script with me, because we had agreed to go on the weekend, he said that the weekend hung up the expert number, the weekend could not hang the expert number."
She explained that she said that the sentence was a hot brain, habitually using "hahaha";
They had already made an appointment to play the script for the weekend;
Because she concluded that she could not hang up the expert number on the weekend, she speculated that the boy was looking for an excuse to shirk.
At first glance, it seems that there is no problem, but it is not appropriate to think about anywhere.
They are all adults, don't you know that speech depends on the occasion? The excuse of the habit of speaking is no place at all.
Let's not say that she just imposed unwarranted conjectures on the other party from her own inference, and everyone's mother is sick, even if she really can't hang up on the weekend, is he still in the mood to hang out with you that day?
Most people will express their condolences at the first time and shut up and do not mention the matter of playing.
It can only be said that this kind of behavior is a manifestation of no empathy and inability to empathize.
03
She reminded me of the concept of "zero-degree empathy" mentioned in The Science of Evil: On the Origins of Empathy and Cruelty.
Zero degree empathy, as the name suggests, refers to the fact that a person's empathy mechanism operates at level 0.
It means that you don't know what impression you've left on others, how to communicate with them, or how to predict how others feel or react.
You're always confused about why you can't build relationships with others, the lack of empathy creates a deep-seated egocentrism in you, and other people's thoughts and feelings are completely ignored by you.
You can only do your own thing, trapped in your own little bubble, not only can not understand the feelings and thoughts of others, and even do not know that others have their own perspective.
So you firmly believe that your ideas and beliefs are 100% correct, and as long as someone disagrees with your beliefs, they are either wrong or stupid.
It means that you act completely unchecked, allowing yourself to pursue whatever goal your heart desires, or expressing all your thoughts freely, without any concern about how your actions or words affect others.
The book says that, in the end, zero degree empathy is a lonely way of survival.
People who survive in this way are at best misunderstood, and at worst they are condemned as "selfish."
I think it's like what the girl showed.
She's not a "love idiot" who doesn't know how to handle intimate relationships, but someone who may lack empathy in any relationship.
04
Why are people who lack empathy often said to have low emotional intelligence?
We know that emotional intelligence includes 5 aspects of ability: understanding one's own emotions, managing emotions, self-motivating, recognizing the emotions of others, and handling interpersonal relationships.
The Intensive Reading Jun's Dictionary of General Studies entry "Empathy" mentions:
People with a high level of empathy, whether in the workplace or at home, are generally more competitive and more likely to be happy.
Without a high level of empathy, identifying other people's emotions and handling interpersonal relationships is often not done well.
Therefore, the lack of empathy is also a manifestation of low emotional intelligence.
Some people say that all speaking skills are based on understanding itself, good communication is never a trick from the other party, we use a solution, but two mobile people, in mutual understanding and feelings in the dialogue, and finally achieve a win-win situation.
When you try to understand and feel, your emotional intelligence will increase unconsciously.
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