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The Old Man and the Sea: "Now is not the time to think about what is missing, but to think about what you can do with what you have." ”
After many people encounter problems, the reason why they are upset and helpless is because emotions dominate their thoughts, and they do not calm down to look at the problem itself.
Such a person, the cognition of the problem in his head, only stays at the level of the skin, in fact, as long as he goes a little deeper, he can find a way to solve the problem.
Repeatedly staring at "what is missing" is to only see the skin of the problem; seriously thinking about "what can be done with what is available" is the correct attitude to solve the problem.
Some people's marriages are ruined on this kind of problem, they only care about accusing each other of this is not right or wrong, only care about what they want and not getting it, but they do not jump out of this kind of skin to think deeply about the problem.
The following couple divorced because of the above problems; after the remarriage, it was because the above problems were resolved, let's take a look at it together.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
In my opinion, after a couple divorces, one party asks the other party to "remarry and not be allowed to marry others", which is not necessarily unreasonable.
For example, my ex-wife, who demanded that I must remarry her and not marry anyone else, is not unreasonable, because we do have the possibility of remarriage, and we really should remarry.
The reason for our previous divorce, as you mentioned in the article, is the lack of effective communication between two people, both people are too impetuous, just care about appealing to emotions, and the result is to take the step of divorce.
Many people are silent about divorce, talk about divorce discoloration, and think that divorce is linked to tragedy. I don't think so, I think there is a good side to divorce, at least, to allow two people to calm down, to be able to keep their distance, and to think about things in their own world.
If there is no deep hatred between husband and wife, when they calmly think about the problem, they must be able to recognize the root of the problem, they must find a way to solve the problem, and it can even be said that divorce can make the feelings of two people better.
For example, my wife and I, she suspected that I betrayed her, and at the same time thought that my mother regarded her as an outsider, always repeating these two questions in front of me, forcing me to take a stand, forcing me to make up for what was missing from her. And I, always silent, always said to her, "If you think like this, I can't help it!" ”
Before the divorce, we were in this cycle, and each other did not seriously solve the problem, but only resorted to emotions.
But after the divorce, it is different, after all, our feelings are not broken, but there are differences between each other. We all reflected on our problems after the divorce, seriously considered why we failed to solve the problems between us, and realized that divorce was a wrong choice.
Even if she doesn't take the initiative to remarry me, I will take the initiative to remarry her. She must have lowered her posture to find me to remarry - although she spoke in a very strong way, asking me to remarry in a commanding tone, but for women, it takes courage to dare to ask for remarriage and be willing to lower her posture - I have no reason to disagree.
However, out of consideration for later life—I don't want to fall into the previous cycle after remarrying, and I don't want to divorce again after remarriage—I put forward two conditions: "First, you must also remarry with me and not be allowed to marry others; secondly, before remarriage, I feel that it is necessary for us to solve the previous problems, sort out clearly, each of them to talk about the results of their reflections, and then to make three chapters of the law, to avoid quarrels over the same problems in the future." ”
She accepted the conditions I proposed: "I have cheekily proposed to remarry, then it is time for you to take the initiative, you come to me, don't let me go to you." ”
We agreed that when we encounter problems in the future, we can first separate, and we can not see the heart and not be bothered, so that we can calm down, so that we can focus on the problem itself. I think other couples can also refer to this method and use a similar "divorce" method to calm each other down. If this still does not solve the problem and you still want to divorce, then you can only divorce. Do you think I'm right?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
After some couples divorce, neither spouse regrets it. After some couples divorce, either one party regrets it or both parties regret it.
Regret is because of calm down, when looking back at the problem, I found that there was some fuss before, there was no need to take the road of divorce.
The situation where only one party regrets is more complicated, and remarriage may not be so easy because two people are not on the same frequency.
In contrast, the situation where both parties regret it is relatively simple, because both parties are at the same frequency, as long as one of them offers to remarry, two people can remarry as they wish.
The above couple belongs to the situation that both parties regret, and there are two points worthy of praise: first of all, praise the woman, she did not twist and pinch to hide her thoughts, wanted to remarry in time to propose remarriage, and did not worry about whether the woman would be too active to appear humiliated; secondly, the conditions proposed by the man were particularly good, paving the way for later life.
Comparing their communication methods before and after divorce, it is not difficult to find that they have been carrying out "ineffective communication" before divorce, and "effective communication" after divorce. This transformation was particularly good, and eventually the two people agreed that they recognized the importance of "effective communication" and believed that they would become happier and happier in the future, because "effective communication" is the elixir that promotes the relationship between husband and wife.