Some time ago, I took my child to the park to dig sand, and I saw such a scene: a little boy of about 4 years old wanted his grandmother to buy him a set of shovels to dig sand, but grandma didn't buy it for him, the little boy was sad and angry, and began to cry, grandma wanted to let the child talk well, don't cry, but the child still cried, grandma's patience gradually ran out, and roared in particular anger: What do you cry crying, the more you cry, the more I don't buy it for you, don't cry, wipe the tears for me!
The little boy was frightened, and tried to close his mouth, holding back his crying, and although the tears were contained, his body was still twitching sadly.
On the surface, although the problem has been solved and the child is no longer crying, I believe that the next time he encounters an event that can trigger the child's sad and angry emotions, he will still be the same as this time, crying and crying, and it is difficult to soothe.
Because this grandmother used a wrong language technique that most parents use, this kind of speech does not teach children to deal with negative emotions correctly.
When a child has negative emotions, these 3 words are wrong
The following kinds of words, we must have said, and every time we blurted out, maybe we were often said when we were young, so we formed a habit, and now we will use the same words to treat our children:
When the child is sad, the parents say: "Don't cry", "Crying will not solve the problem", "Okay, you cry, when you cry enough, when you will say it." When the child is afraid, the parent says: "Don't be afraid, be brave", "What is this terrible, why are you so timid" When the child is angry, the parent says: "Don't lose your temper!" ”
Although these words are what we often say, and so do our parents, and that any adult would say them, "just because everyone is saying it doesn't mean it's reasonable."
You will find that the more you don't let the child cry, the more he cries, the more you don't let him lose his temper, the bigger his temper, you can only use more severe methods to suppress.
It can be seen that this kind of talking is wrong, which is mainly reflected in the following three aspects:
1. Negative emotions are forcibly suppressed and not unblocked
Tantrums, crying children are especially like a pot of boiling boiling water, water vapor grunting and churning, if we want to make the boiling water cool down, according to common sense, it should be turned off the fire, open the lid of the pot, let the heat dissipate a little bit, rather than turn the fire on a little bigger, but also press the lid.
Don't cry, don't lose your temper, don't be afraid of words like this is equivalent to a pot lid without a hole, to prevent the child's emotions from venting, our harsh voices, angry eyes, and reprimanding attitudes are equivalent to opening a big fire.
In the parents' harsh words, the child stopped crying and getting angry, and on the surface, the behavior changed, but the negative emotions were never cleared, it was just blocked in the child's heart.
2. Negate the child's true feelings and make the child contradictory
The child will feel another meaning from our words: Mom and Dad are angry because of my crying, tantrums, and fear, my feelings are wrong, I must have done something wrong.
Every child does not want their parents to be angry, but they are really sad and angry, how to balance the two?
The child may end up doing this: hiding his negative emotions, becoming very sensible, getting the eyes of his parents' approval, obviously sad, but also having to endure not to cry, obviously very angry, but also have to control themselves not to lose their temper, obviously very afraid, but also have to say loudly that I am not afraid, I am the bravest.
Like an adult.
3, the child never knows what to do
Our ultimate goal is to guide children to learn what to do when they are angry, sad, and afraid.
But the words that begin with "don't, don't allow, can't" are all telling what not to do, and the guidance that the child gets is: crying and tantrums can't solve the problem, so how to solve the problem?
This is also why children with poor emotional ability, if they are always rudely stopped, the child's emotional ability will become worse and worse.
Correct language can help children improve their emotional cognition and expression skills
First of all, we can't deny that negative emotions will appear in everyone's life, which is inevitable, so in the face of children's negative emotions, we must dredge up and do not block.
In the face of children's negative emotions, the correct way to express themselves is like this:
1, I know you are very sad, if you want to cry, let's cry for a while, I will accompany you
When the child is sad and crying, we can carry the child to another room, or a place where there is no outsider, so as to avoid other people interfering with the mother's emotions, or pointing, hindering the mother's handling.
Hold the child, touch his back or forehead, and say: I know you are sad, if you want to cry, cry for a while, I am with you, and the sad emotions will flow out with the tears.
If you have tried this method, you will find that when you say this sentence, the child will suddenly cry more severely, because the child feels that he is understood and accepted, and then he cries for a while and then naturally stops.
Next, we will discuss with the child why he is crying and how to solve the problem.
2, I know you are very angry, you can stomp your feet, when you are not so angry, we will talk
For parents, it may be more difficult for children to get angry than to cry, because children will have other behaviors when they lose their temper, such as hitting people, dropping things, hitting themselves, etc.
We need to play the role of firefighters to help the child extinguish the fire, not that we also turn into flames and scare the child's little flame out.
We can say this: I know you are angry, I feel that there is a fire in your heart, but it is not right to hit people and drop things, you can say out loud that I am angry! When you're not so angry, you'll talk to me again.
There is a picture book called "Angry Arthur", which uses various pictures to describe how children feel when they are angry, becoming hurricanes and storms that destroy the city and the earth, but in the end, Arthur forgets why he is angry.
We can read this picture book with our children, feel the power of anger, and understand the destructiveness of wrong tantrums.
3, I know you are very afraid, then I will hug you, give you some strength
Children's cognitive abilities are limited and their imagination is rich, so there are many things that can make children feel afraid, although these things seem to us adults to be a big sesame thing.
In the face of the child's fear, we need to say this: I know you are afraid, then I hug you, and pass on the brave strength of the mother to you.
The purpose of this is to let the child know that fear is a normal emotion, and fear does not mean that it is not brave.
True bravery is this: allow yourself to be afraid, dare to face it, and at the same time have a way to overcome it.
Every parent likes their child to become a person with high emotional intelligence and can control their negative emotions, and to achieve this goal, it is necessary to achieve sincere acceptance and correct guidance when negative emotions appear.