Recently, my classmate complained to me that she felt that raising children was too difficult, and it was several streets more difficult than her to go to work. In the process of parenting, she always encounters various problems and challenges, often catching her off guard and dizzy.
Her son entered the "terrible two-year-old", and he would lose his temper when he was slightly unsatisfactory; he would cry when his family disciplined him; he would beat up children when he couldn't play with them...
The mother-in-law has been hanging on her mouth all day long: "This child has a bad temper." Whenever her son was upset or lost his temper, her mother-in-law would take a dismissive attitude or other ways to punish her, forcing her son to temporarily stop crying and quiet down.
Classmates know that dealing with children's negative emotions in this way is the wrong choice, but what is the right way? She didn't know either.
How to deal with the child's negative emotions incorrectly, what is the impact on the child
△ Children vent at will, hurt others, and will not consider the feelings of others. Unable to bear the temporary unfulfilled desires, often hysterical and boundless demands, and finally leading to the rejection of others and the problems of interpersonal relationships.
△ Use life force to suppress emotions, resulting in children's inner chaos, so that children's growth and learning are disturbed, children can not use all his vitality to learn, act, interact with people, adjust themselves... And the child is very well-behaved, dare not make his voice to the world, and it is difficult to express his needs to others.
Parents should correctly understand their children's emotions
Ms. Satya, a famous psychotherapist, found in a large number of observations that parents are generally very patient with their children's mastery of strength and knowledge learning, such as how children learn to walk, and can be repeated in repeated falls.
His parents gave him a lot of time and patience, but for the study of emotions, parents didn't have as much patience for children to fall, hurt, feel pain, and then learn again.
The reason why parents are like this is largely incorrect about emotions. Parents think that it is not good for their children to have negative emotions, and if their children are angry, angry, and timid, we will think that our mother is not good enough, so we will always try to avoid, suppress, indifference and cover up these emotions.
In fact, emotions are not right or wrong, but represent the feelings that emotions bring to us, it is a natural flow of life energy, it will come and go.
Teacher Zhang Juan, a child education expert, a family education instructor and the founder of Beijing Bubu Kindergarten, shared in the book "Encountering Children in the Depths of Life":
If the parents control, obstruct, ignore and suppress the child's emotions. This sends the child a message deep down: These are bad things for me, and I am not accepted.
So these children will spend their whole lives fighting against their own inner feelings and emotions, and spend their whole lives seeking acceptance from others and are completely unable to enjoy the joy of life's self-sufficiency and perfection.
Emotions are a part of our lives, and as long as we breathe, there are emotions, they are instincts that each of us has, and it is in our bodies and with us for life.
The child loves to lose his temper and has emotions, not that he does not understand things
The reason why the child behaves is that he is a child because he is a child himself.
Like the body, the brains of young children are still developing. Therefore, when the child's emotions come up, his rational brain cannot control the emotional brain, and he cannot reason with his emotional brain, so he cannot suppress a burst of impulses and is prone to anger.
At this time, the parent should not be angry, not that the child deliberately did this, but that his brain has not yet developed to that stage.
Parents need to act as the rational prefrontal lobes of their children, in addition to understanding reassurance, helping them to analyze and reflect, thinking about the many ways to solve problems.
Parents channel their children's emotions, not control
When children are struggling in the vortex of negative emotions, it is the time when children need help, love, and understanding the most.
Parents want to channel their emotions, manage their behavior, and develop autonomy, rather than trying to exert control over them in the hope of getting them to tame them immediately.
After analyzing a large number of excellent children's families, psychologists have drawn some valuable conclusions, and found that the parents of excellent children will always have some similar strategies and actions, summed up in five steps, children will gradually understand what emotions are, what should I do when I have emotions?
Step 1: In the face of the child's negative emotions, parents first maintain peace and stability
When children have negative emotions, the first step for parents to do is to control their emotions first.
Can not let the child's emotions cause their own emotions, many parents see the child's crying, angry, angry, at once by the child's negative emotions detonated, or upset and do not allow the child to cry; or more angry than the child, angry, yelling at the child.
In this way, the child may be obedient, no longer crying and angry, but also immediately suppress his emotions. But that's not the best and most correct way to manage emotions.
△ Parents are the power of children's emotional role models
If the child has negative emotions, the parents maintain composure and can actively control the anger, which is good for both the child and the parents.
Parents not only don't hurt their children, they set an example for them. Children can certainly observe that their parents are angry, and the way parents deal with anger is very educational for them.
Albert Bandura, one of the world's most prominent and influential psychologists, argues that the individual learning process is caused by mental rehearsal, imitating the behavior of observed others (role models of appropriate behavior).
The family is the child's first group of schools, and the parents are the child's first teachers, and everything the child has comes by learning from the parents.
If you don't control your emotions, how can you expect your child to learn to control their emotions?
Parents can notice their emotions and let them go without being affected by them – parents set an example of emotional adjustment for their children to observe and follow.
△ Parents' emotional loss of control is not conducive to solving the problem
Parents' emotions are out of control, not only is not conducive to solving the problem, but also escalates the contradiction, so that a whirlwind evolves into a storm, not only can not make the child's fluctuating mood stable, but also make the relationship between the child and the parent deteriorate, let the child refuse to cooperate with the parents, will not be more active in managing their emotions.
Step 2: Accept your child's feelings and emotions and make him feel safe
When a child has negative emotions and bad feelings, we must first give the child a signal: we are allowing him to express his emotions and feelings, and it is safe to express them in front of his parents.
When the child feels safe, he can truly connect with his inner emotions and feelings, and can he complete the journey of his emotional experience, and this emotional experience journey is very important for him to learn to manage and sort out his emotions in the future.
In chapter 1 of the book "How to Say How to Listen to Children To Hear Children To Speak" it is written:
Children's feelings are directly related to their behavior; children have good feelings, they will have good behaviors; how to make children feel good? That is to accept their feelings!
Many parents often disagree with their children's feelings. As parents often say: "Such a small thing, you don't have to be so sad and wait." ”
When the child's feelings are constantly denied, the child will feel confused and angry. This is also a hint to children not to understand their own feelings, not to believe their own feelings. This gives the child a lot of trouble, and the child cannot be more attentive to dealing with his emotions and facing problems.
Parents who understand emotional management training do not classify emotions as good and bad.
They value the joy, love, and joy of their children, and they also believe that sadness, fear, and anger are naturally indispensable emotions in life. More critically, they will draw clear boundaries for the child's behavior after embracing all the emotions of the child, and give ways to channel and improve the mood.
Step 3: Guide your child to describe the emotion and give the emotion a name
Medina, a famous American child psychologist, father of eight children, and best-selling author of parenting, pointed out: "Children can control emotions, and 80% of the work to be done is to recognize emotions." ”
Psychologists at UCLA have found that when we speak emotions in words, we activate the prefrontal cortex responsible for rational thinking, so that the amygdala, the active emotional center, gradually calms down, and the emotions naturally stabilize.
When parents teach their children to name their emotions, they also help them say their emotions:
"My brother took your paintbrush and you looked a little unhappy", "At night, you went to the bathroom alone, you felt a little scared", "Your goldfish is dead, which makes you sad"...
Step 4: Reassure the child
Empathy is empathy, empathy refers to seeing the problem from the perspective of others, and now the perspective of others to "feel".
When parents show empathy for a child who is suffering inside, the child feels understood and is not too lonely in the face of pain.
Only then can their emotional pressure be released and dissipated. Especially 0-6 year old children, they will judge and confirm "Do you really love me?" through the permission of their parents to their emotions, especially negative emotions? ”
Long Yingtai said in "Children You Take Your Time": It is not difficult to see the child's world from the mother's point of view; what is rare is that the mother will crouch down and keep the same height as the child to see the world - we are the same life, we respect each other, and we grow up together.
Step 5: Set boundaries for your child's emotions
What about parents who guide their children to learn healthy emotional patterns?
When we have emotions, we don't express our emotions emotionally but our emotions, not to suppress our emotions, but to learn to express "what's wrong with me." ”
Setting boundaries for emotions means that you can have emotions, but you can't vent your emotions on others, and you can't solve problems with violence.
△ Help children release negative emotions:
It is not appropriate to discuss inappropriate behavior when the child is emotionally fluctuating, although it is necessary to educate the child about his behavior. Wait until your child is calm and remind him of what is the most appropriate behavior. For example, "The cup is for drinking water, not for falling, and I will now go and pour you a glass of water..."
Stop moving, take a deep breath, and take a deep breath to get rid of the nervous mood;
Having a child hum quietly, or shouting in a place where no one is, can release stress;
When parents cannot meet a certain request of their child, they should acknowledge it and support it through the "wish fulfillment" approach.
If the child wants to eat cookies, the parents say: "Listen to it, you really want to eat ice cream, I really hope that we have ice cream, I bet you can now eat 2 ice creams in one go." "I think you must be thirsty." We can eat some watermelon first..."
Guide the child to solve the problem, when the child's emotions are understood and accepted by the parents, the emotional intensity will weaken and begin to gradually disappear.
This creates an opportunity for them to solve problems. For example: You look very disappointed because Duo Duo is sick and can't play with you.
You very much want to play with her, if you want, we can think together, are there any other fun activities?
You can hold the child, or touch him, if the child does not like, you can stand next to the child, let the child feel that he is safe, parents are willing to face these terrible emotions with him;
Physical play, playing physical games with children, is the best way to build connections and help children deal with their emotions, such as wrestling, pillow fights, chases, playing big monsters, etc.
General Napoleon said: "He who can control his emotions is greater than he can take the next city." ”
Good emotional management skills, whether for children or adults, are a skill that requires "lifelong training".
Good emotional management is an important embodiment of high emotional intelligence. Children who learn emotional management from an early age will be full of positive energy and cultivate a good personality; children who are good at managing emotions will certainly be more popular and better integrated into the team.