Text | Moriva
Source | Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio (ID: zqfxlgzs)
A little black and fat girl, ridiculed by the children as a "little black pig", she went to her father in grievance, and his father told her that she was from India and was an Indian princess.
Skin tone and body shape are naturally different from others.
The girl listened and ran away happily.
When the girl grows up, there is no change in skin color and body shape, but there is beauty that blooms from the inside out.
Later, I found a husband who loved her and spoiled her, and had good interpersonal relationships.
In this case the father's answer, and the happy girl, were deeply remembered by me.
It reveals the relationship between father and daughter: I think this father will also experience the ride of picking up his daughter to make up lessons, worrying about his daughter's schooling, worrying about the trivialities of his daughter's life, planting the flowers of his daughter's dreams...
But he may be the father image that every daughter wants in her heart, with the moving face and soft heart of a typical Chinese father.
It's just that some people are lucky that there is this mark of love in reality.
Some people can only be ideals and expectations.
However, not everyone has an ideal father, but we can talk about the ideal father image.
This can help every dad know how to get along with their daughter, help the mother assist in the father-daughter relationship, and help the girl understand her father again.
01
The relationship between father and daughter
Decide the happiness of your daughter's life
A psychology teacher once said:
"The relationship between a father and a daughter determines the happiness of a daughter's life."
The little baby knows the mother from the fragments, for example, first know the mother's arms and face, and then slowly have the whole mother.
Dads are different, babies identifying their fathers as the first to enter the field of vision as a complete person, which will also become the first man he will come into contact with.
The relationship between father and daughter directly affects the happiness of the daughter's future marital relationship.
A woman came to visit and described unhappiness in her marriage.
She is highly intelligent, highly educated, and hot-tempered, and she is exceptionally good in the career circle of competing with men, and almost all of her belongings come from her.
For the family, she is tolerant and warm to her lover.
Her father was harsh and patriarchal, and she was not accustomed to his father's behavior.
As a representative of the girls in the family, he often compares himself with the boys in the family and steals the limelight in everything.
She believes that the opportunity to read is also a struggle for herself.
Because of her good grades, the principal went to the house to persuade her father to continue his education.
For years, no matter what her father did, there was no way to counteract the impact of her father's eccentricity on her.
Growing up, spending money on her family was her only connection to her family.
Speaking of which, you may see that money is both a symbol of her proving herself and getting her father's approval.
It is also a defense against shame such as her quest for connections.
Money is a connection, a proof, a desire for fatherly love.
Whenever I face her grief, I think that there may be a hope that every child does not want to give up in the heart, and it is to go back to the past to change the father.
When can we separate the past from the present, when love emerges, and allow ourselves to live happily.
This reminds me of the practice of Yang Dai's father in the era when feudal etiquette was prevalent.
Faced with The Division of Yang Dai, Father Yang said:
"What you like is the proximity of sex, which is what you are most suitable for."
Faced with the first entry into Qian's family, Yang Dai was asked by Qian's father to stay at home and not let him go out to work.
Father Yang told the Qian family father and son in the most powerful language:
"The daughter of the Yang family is not an old mother to your family!"
With the support and recognition of her father, Yang Dai became a stunning Mr. Yang in the literary world.
Become the most virtuous wife and the most talented woman in the eyes of her husband Qian Zhongshu.
Whether it is the father's loving and easy resolution, or the response to the husband's family's practice.
What is unforgettable and shocking is the "not afraid, there is a father" left to the daughter.
Teacher Wang Haowei said that his father should exist like a mountain.
No matter how old any child is, no matter how far he runs, as soon as he turns around, he can see the mountain immediately.
At the same time, I felt that the mountain was looking at him with full attention, and a feeling of being loved naturally arose, and the healing power surged up.
02
Father's love is like a mountain, and he abdicates his fatherhood
Adler said:
"Of all the acts of family life, the last thing needed is the existence of authority."
A good father must know how to unload the heavy patriarchy and respect and identify with his daughter.
In the movie "Perfect Stranger", there is such a plot:
17-year-old Sophia wants to date her boyfriend but may have sex, and Sophia is still a virgin, so she told her father, hoping to get help from her father.
I think the first instinct of most fathers is absolutely no.
However, the father in the movie says this:
"Don't go to his house because he's upset, that shouldn't be the only reason.
What I'm saying is that this is an important moment in your life, something you will remember for the rest of your life.
If you think about it later, no matter how you think about it, it will make you smile, you do it!
But if you don't think so, or aren't quite sure, forget about it!
Because you still have a lot of time. ”
There is no coercion, some are just standing in the daughter's position at a critical moment and giving wise advice to the daughter.
Liu Yong once wrote to his daughter that there is such a love instruction:
"No matter how passionate you are, protect yourself; no matter how stable your feelings are, you refuse to take intimate photos."
Taiwanese host Cao Qitai once said:
"Daughter, I will train her to have a vision and grow up to find a boyfriend who is responsible and can be relied on."
As a father, we must not only be the mountain of stability for our daughters, but also unload our patriarchal power, guide our daughters to self-respect and self-love, and take responsibility for their own actions.
In the movie "The Winner is King", there is a line from the father that makes people move:
"As a father, I should guard with her, as long as she is sure, I will accompany her, sometimes frustrated, I will wait for her to come back and cry." 」
If she can't help but cry, well, then I can cook a table of delicious food...
She can only be happy with me, nothing else.
The English writer Hubbard once said: A good father has raced 100 principals.
Good fatherly love must be intimate, warm, and felt.
03
There is tangible intimacy between father and daughter
Mothers, daughters, and fathers form a triangular relationship.
If the mother is strong, the daughter and the father are dependent on each other.
When girls grow up, it is difficult to get out of their relationship with their fathers.
Because as long as she lives her own life, she will have the guilt of abandoning her father.
If the father is harsh, the girl is full of "Why doesn't Dad like me?"
Is there something wrong with me? "It is very easy to form an inferior and flattering personality.
Qiu Yingying in "Ode to Joy" is to transform the struggle for father's love in childhood into a relationship with her boyfriend and lose herself.
If the mother is the prototype of the daughter's relationship with the outside world, all relationships are a copy of the relationship with the mother.
The father is the daughter's bridge to the outside world, and the relationship with the father often represents the relationship with authority.
There was a girl who was clever and clever, but she often worked against the leader, which seriously affected her work.
In the analysis, she learned that her mother was strong from childhood, and she believed that her father was bullied by her mother.
Work, lead, she, in such a triangle.
She subconsciously identifies the leader as a mother, a father at work, and a face to face with the leader, which is a symbolic level to protect the father.
Every child loves his parents in his own hidden way.
Especially between father and daughter.
As the first man in a girl's life, to a certain extent, it is extremely important for the girl to establish her view of a man, and it is extremely important for the father to stand in his place and give his daughter warm, stable and intimate love.
In the TV series "The Gate of the Big House", the white family mother is super strong, and the white father is absolutely weakened at home.
Bai Jingqi's sister Bai Yuting, holding a photo of someone else, got married.
The symbolic level implies the absence of dad.
If the father enters the daughter's life and the girl has the experience of establishing an intimate relationship with the father, she naturally knows how to establish a relationship with the opposite sex.
In reality, there are many girls who, because they are disappointed in their fathers, vow never to look for their fathers like that.
Unfortunately, they were either seduced by father-type boys or found a different kind of person who, through the evolution of marriage, transformed each other into fathers.
Because there was still a girl living in their hearts, eager to get the love of their father at that moment, the subconscious made a choice.
04
The boundaries of Father's love
Fatherly love is important, but there are boundaries.
One of the twin dads confessed to being with their daughters of a few years old and had a subconscious physical reaction.
When the teacher intervenes, this is the subconscious level of "incest anxiety", which is a normal phenomenon.
The father was thus liberated, began to let go of seriousness and indifference, and the father's love was revealed.
The father's indifference is a defense against the affection of the daughter.
A woman came to visit and described her father as always having something to talk about and find fault, and she was made angry, and during the consultation, she found that it was the father who did not know how to get close to the daughter who exuded feminine charm.
When the reason is known, the daughter is connected to the father's love.
Li Guolin, who played the role of Hatsuma Zhi in Huang Rihua's version of "Tianlong Babu".
Because of feeding the 16-year-old daughter, hugging and kissing on the street, it aroused the concern of netizens.
Wu Zongxian treats his daughter like a couple.
All love eventually leads to separation, and love has boundaries.
Father-daughter relationships require boundaries.
The same is true of father-daughter love.
Ma Yili said in The Reader:
"Especially for girls, if there is a father who loves her very much, this girl will live in the world and will be very confident."
Every daughter has a different story from her father, and if she has been truly loved by her father, this story has something in common, this is a story about happiness.
May every father understand how important you are.
END
Author: Mo Lihua, a national second-level psychological counselor, a psychology lecturer, loves psychoanalysis and hopes to spread psychoanalysis to the end. The article is reproduced from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, more than 2,000 original parent-child/gender/personal growth psychological articles, psychoanalytic learning, 9 years of companionship, less inner conflict, more spiritual freedom.
This article | edited