"Parents teach, must listen" is our culture. Most parents want filial piety and obedience. The words we most often hang on our lips are: "You have to obey ~", all of which make us feel inexplicably repelled by those children who love to talk back.
I have seen a mother in the mall because her son resisted and slapped her child's mouth. "I said one sentence, you top 3 sentences, the opposite of you!" Many parents have said similar things. Especially after the child is 4 years old, it seems that it has become a daily routine.
An online survey was done, "What behavior do you hate most about your children?" More than 75 percent of parents chose to "talk back." Many parents say that their children's temper is easy to come up when they resist.
But do you know that children love to resist is actually a manifestation of intelligence, not that they deliberately do it, there is really no need to go on the line and force children to obey their words.
Children love to talk back, and there is a psychological basis
Developmental psychology believes that children have 3 stages of retrograde periods from birth.
Stage 1: 2 to 3 years old. Children begin to explore "self-awareness" at this stage, which is the first time in their lives to try to rebel against their parents, and you will hear the words that children love to say at this stage are "don't" and "no".
Stage 2: 5 to 8 years old. At this stage, children's self-awareness develops rapidly, and they slowly become like a "little adult". They want to be able to do things according to their own wishes, they don't want their parents to interfere too much in their own affairs, and they don't want their parents to treat themselves as children.
The third stage: puberty. Children at this stage are the most troublesome, physically close to adults, but their minds are far from keeping up. The sense of physical maturity and the sense of semi-maturity in the mind pull each other apart, making them very disgusted with the control of their parents.
It is in these 3 stages that the child's desire to resist will be extremely strong. But the good news is that the love of talking back shows that the child's "self-awareness" is rapidly forming, and the dispute can help the child become more confident and independent. Because in confrontation with parents they will feel valued and know how to carry out their will, which shows that children are exploring their own path, and they are beginning to find that parents are not always right.
Children know that they will be harshly reprimanded by their parents and even sometimes punished, but they still choose to express themselves bravely. It shows that they have prepared for the worst, and such children are often very courageous, not afraid of authority, but more responsible when they grow up. And big data statistics found that children who have talked back with their parents are less likely to have bad behaviors such as drug use and underage drinking than the so-called obedient children who are docile and obedient.
In addition, the mouth has another effect: to help children vent their emotions. Children who suppress their emotions are often prone to backlogging. For example, depression, mania, etc. On the contrary, "resisting" and expressing the inner feelings, such children are often healthier physically and mentally.
In this way, does it feel that the child who often resists in the family has also become a little cute?
Parents often say 3 words when children talk back, and the baby will thank you
In fact, the child's mouth is not terrible, the terrible thing is that like the mother mentioned above, she simply and rudely slapped the problem. In fact, if parents learn to guide reasonably when their children talk back, they will turn a parent-child crisis into on-site teaching to promote their children's growth, and the effect is far better than the usual preaching!
Don't be busy getting angry when your child resists, first remind yourself in your brain: "This is the best time for me to help bear children shape their values!" Take your chances. "If it's hard to do, I have a trick: every time a child talks back, you can imagine an exaggerated voice reminding you, such as Donald Duck's voice: "Quack ~ Quack ~ Let the bear child have a chance to be a human being again."
Try this method, it will let you calm down as fast as you can. Then you only need to say the following three sentences in turn to calm the child down as soon as possible.
First sentence: I know you are very angry, let's both calm down first, and then talk about it later.
Don't underestimate this simple sentence, it affirms the child's emotions and means that we have respect for the child's emotional venting. After all, everyone has the right to vent their emotions, and adults can't maintain their sanity when they are impulsive, let alone children whose mental development is not yet mature.
Secondly, it also pressed the "pause" button on the contradictions that were about to intensify, and many contradictions were hurried to talk, and in the end both sides could not get off the stage. "Calm down, say it later" is to give the child a cooling off period, but also to give themselves a buffer period, so that parents have time to sort out their ideas, which is more conducive to follow-up guidance.
Second sentence: I know you are angry but it is impolite to speak like this, we all have to learn to speak well
Tell your child: Say you're unhappy if you're not happy, don't say I hate you.
The human brain has "emotional polarity", which means that when the emotional brain plays a major role, the rational brain will be blocked. This is why some people are particularly prone to hurting others with words when they are excited. Not only children, but also adults quarrel. But for the child, the concept of right and wrong has not yet been fully established, and we must limit the scope of his use of language, and cannot let him vent at will and hurt others with words.
You find that no, the child's comprehension when learning profanity is very amazing, so if it is not corrected properly, it will be difficult to discipline him when he forms his own language logic.
Third sentence: Can you tell me what you think? Let's figure it out together
In the final analysis, children's rebuttal is because they have differences with their parents, and blindly taking out the authority of their parents to suppress it will only make children lose their initiative and independence.
The best way to do this is for parents to take a step back and let the child express themselves from their own perspective. Only when children learn to express themselves can we know what children like and want. Encouraging children to express and fight will be of great benefit to their future social skills.
At the same time, this sentence will also let the child know that their feelings and thoughts are highly valued by parents, and they also have the right to discuss different opinions. This patience and tolerance will promote the child's communication effectiveness.
In the family, parents are the center of authority, and excessive pursuit of children's obedience is actually telling children to "obey authority." But as children get older, they will face more and more challenges, more and more things to question, and if they only abide by authority, they will miss the truth. Therefore, this courage to dare to challenge authority is really worthy of serious treatment by every parent.
Let's face those children who dare to resist and listen to his ideas more patiently, and give him more understanding and tolerance. The child who can resist may not be a well-behaved child in the traditional sense, but it is definitely not a child who does not show up!
All in all, intergenerational debate is an important step for children to embark on the path to adulthood. I hope that after reading this article, the next time you encounter a child, you can face it calmly.