Text | Miss Muang Lai
What is your first reaction when your child talks back?
Annoyed into anger, hate iron not steel, blushing with thick neck?
There is a video of a father and son talking on the Internet,
Father's reaction lit up.
A father guides his child to communicate with his brain,
Make it clear who is responsible.
The tone is very gentle,
What is even more rare is that the sentences are reasonable.
The eldest son throws "tricks":
I think it's mommy that's wrong with that.
The little eyes looked at his brother and motioned for him to help.
Image from: Network
The younger son takes the "trick":
"Yeah, I think mom is wrong!"
Dad sees the tricks:
Homework is your business, not your mother's business, so why blame others?
Are you a man and can't do your own thing well?
It was useless to throw the pot, and the eldest son began to pick on his mother's fault again:
But her tone was very bad.
Younger son help:
Yeah, some of the words are hurtful.
Dad then dismantled the trick:
You don't have to do your own thing well,
Things have causes and consequences.
And girls are a little more emotional.
You get things done, why is she talking about you?
In the end, the two children were convinced and obediently apologized and confessed their mistakes.
This video circle of friends turned crazy, and someone clapped their hands and said it was fast:
The father's communication style was fantastic and quietly solved the problem!
Others praised:
The child speaks logically and is very assertive, and the parents teach it really well!
Saying goes:
Not a family, not a door.
Fathers are good at communication, and children are more advanced even if they resist.
A university of Virginia study proves that:
Children who often "scare" their parents at home,
Schools are more at ease when dealing with communication disagreements.
If parents can understand more about parent-child psychology, they will find:
The child's backlash is not necessarily wrong.
Timely handling can improve children's communication skills;
Proper handling can also bring positive effects to parent-child relationship and children's education.
Children disobey, because they are "growing up"
When I became a parent, I heard these words and my heart was cold:
Mom you go;
Mom I don't like you;
Mom, you hate it so much;
Mom I don't want this;
Mom, don't worry about me...
The 5-year-old child of the girlfriend's family will call the girlfriend's full name every time he loses his temper:
Liu Li, you go away!
The well-behaved child suddenly rebelled,
Parents will inevitably panic and think about the west:
Why do children resist?
Am I not educating in the wrong way?
In the book "Pet Parent Effectiveness Training", it is said:
It doesn't matter what the child says, what matters is what he wants to express.
I went to my colleague's house for dinner.
Colleagues give vegetables to the child, and the child says "I don't eat";
Really clipped into the bowl, or eat with relish.
Colleagues and mothers-in-law want children to eat vegetables,
Children don't talk back,
But deliberately confronted her, picking meat to eat.
After dinner small talk, I found:
In the eyes of colleagues and mothers-in-law, the child is like two people:
Colleagues said that the child is a small adult, and he knows what he should do;
The mother-in-law felt that the child was a disobedient bear doll and was under-packed.
Because of the difference in impressions, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law did not have less disputes.
But I know,
When the child resists, the mother-in-law always likes to say:
You shut up!
What colleagues are thinking about is:
Listen to your child finish speaking.
Two ways of communication create "two faces" for the child.
This process can be explained from developmental psychology:
Parent-child conflict is inevitable,
Because the child's sense of self has to grow.
When the child no longer says, "Cows and cows want to drink water",
And say "I want to drink water".
He began to realize:
I am different from my parents.
The child resists,
It's an effort to express your own views on the world.
He needs to do it by saying "no",
To feel valued, respected, and accepted.
Therefore, compared with the mother-in-law, the education method of colleagues is more effective.
Because she allows the child to express itself – self-awareness.
Parents don't face up to one truth:
Children are getting stronger,
Single command communication can no longer convince him,
Still use "no resistance" to block the child.
In order to emphasize the value of their own existence, children
It will become more and more intense, paranoid, and competitive.
Do you understand what the child is saying?
There are two types of listening, effective listening and ineffective listening:
Ineffective listening, is the left ear in the right ear out,
Holding the mobile phone "hmmm" nodding, not listening well to people;
Effective listening, is to listen to the feedback,
Makes people feel that the heart has gone.
The speaker loses his temper,
It is often because the other party is not "listening well".
In "Family with Children",
Liu Xing is a child who loves to talk back, and he can't stop saying:
I'm not convinced! I protest! I refuse!
Mother Liu Mei always made a big fuss and quarreled without a word.
Stepfather Xia Donghai always listened to the child and then summed it up:
You want to buy shoes, but your mother won't let you.
You're angry, is that what you mean?
So no matter how much Liu Xing "owes",
As soon as Xia Donghai spoke, he quickly became quiet.
When listening,
Repeating the words of others in a key point is called "feedback".
This allows the child to feel that he or she is being seen,
To be understood is to listen effectively.
For example, the child says:
Get away from me! I find it annoying!
Bad mood! Want to explode!
Parent Feedback:
Well, you want to say that you're irritable right now and can't calm down, right?
The child suddenly realized:
It turns out that my current mood is called "irritability".
Parents often feedback,
Children know how to express themselves, and their communication skills are strong.
So, if your child doesn't listen to what you say,
Consider:
Is there something wrong with listening?
Have you never given feedback on your child's words?
Is it that the child feels that the parents do not understand, and will repeat it over and over again?
Ostensibly, the backlash is a problem of the child's disobedience;
Behind it, in fact, is the problem of "parents not listening enough".
Therefore, parents who are good at listening love to use some words.
Like what:
It sounds like...
You seem to want to express...
I think you mean...
The way parents express themselves will teach their children how to express themselves
Cui Xuan, a post-85 entrepreneurial mother, told an interesting story:
One day, she was busy at work, and the 3-year-old child was making a lot of noise next to her.
She was so stressed that she suddenly yelled at the child: You shut up!
I thought the child would cry,
Unexpectedly, the child said lightly:
I'm not your employee, what are you yelling at me to do?
Cui Xuan cried and laughed:
How can a child be so sane?
Later, I thought about it, thanks to the communication mode that the two have been communicating:
Cui Xuan loves to reason with children and rarely loses his temper with children.
Many children are reprimanded by their parents,
They will sulk, resist, and cry.
We thought: Children are born this way.
Not really.
As the psychologist Winnicott said:
Children are mirrors that honestly reflect what their parents look like.
The child's emotions imitate the parents.
In daily communication, parents express bad emotions more than they pass on information;
When children express themselves, they will lose their temper and will not speak well.
Two days ago, I went to the supermarket,
A 2-year-old boy bit over a box of candy and sprinkled it all over the place.
When the parents saw it, they first looked down to pick up the sugar, and then reprimanded the child:
Look at the good things you've done!
All the while, I didn't hear parents explain to their children:
What's wrong with you?
The child cries because:
He didn't know what else to do but cry.
This is typical of ineffective communication:
Parents did not make the reason clear and patronized to vent their emotions.
So what does effective communication look like?
Psychological counseling is defined as follows:
Be able to convince each other with the words of the other party.
What does that mean?
Here's an interesting example:
A friend over 40 years old,
I began to learn the art of speech and wanted to teach my children by example.
His motivations were:
As your child grows older, he feels more and more like talking to him, like talking to his inner self.
In order to win,
He was often emotional, nagging, accusing, complaining...
Children do not like to listen, more and more silent, resisting, fleeing.
To turn things around,
Word by word, he learned how to "make the child listen."
For example, the child wants to play games for a while and then write homework.
He wants the child to write his homework first.
He would communicate like this:
First, ask the child's opinion;
Then, content and emotional feedback;
Finally, express the conclusion.
For example, this conversation case:
The first words he uttered were:
I see you're playing games,
There's homework next to it.
You want to relax first, right?
The child said:
Yeah, I can't lift my head right now.
He said:
I think playing games now is more exciting for you than writing homework.
That is, today the teacher dragged the class, very annoyed, I did not want to write homework at all.
It sounds like the teacher's dragging makes you emotionally irritable, and not writing homework can vent your emotions?
That's the thing.
I think you must not feel very well, and it is really important to relax your emotions.
But I hope you also value the homework thing.
When the mood is better, just finish your business, okay?
The child readily agreed,
After a while, I lost the game console,
Went into the house to write homework.
When the child resists, these words should be remembered
When the child resists, we first think in our minds:
Am I interested in what I say to my child?
When your child rebels, think about it:
Do I really understand the current state of the child?
Effective communication, ways and means are very important.
As long as you find the right way, the child is willing to talk to you,
There is an opportunity to reach agreement.
The child resists, these three sentences can be remembered:
The first sentence is:
I know you're angry now, wait until you calm down and let's talk about it?
The second sentence is:
I want you to say "I'm not happy" when you're angry instead of "I hate mom".
The third sentence reads:
What exactly do you want, want this, or do you want that?
Finally, six guidelines for parent-child communication:
1, do not understand what the child wants to express, use more content feedback;
2, do not understand the child's feelings at this moment, use more emotional feedback;
3. The number of times the child resists, do more effective listening;
4. The child has recently become more and more silent, and uses more effective communication;
5. The child's words are not up to his expectations, and he passes more information when communicating;
6, the child's emotions are out of control, use words to let him calm down first.
Take advantage of the time spent together day and night,
Take advantage of the opportunity for parent-child communication.
Turn every communication into an increase in parent-child relationship,
Contribute to your child's life!
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Author: Miss Mang Lai, a national second-level psychological counselor, senior male and female observers, has published "Girl, Live An Atmosphere Is Wonderful Enough". Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.