Recently, many parents sent private messages saying that some of the children's problems, I summarized the problems, there are three problems that parents may often encounter,
The first problem is that my child doesn't know what's going on now, has a big temper, doesn't know how to be grateful, and says it's not fun to live.
This parent did not say too specific, only said the child's performance, then I guess it should be the child to puberty, he has the opportunity to want to do something independently.
But parents because of helping the child to do too much, including making decisions, including some care in life too much, thus affecting the child's opportunity to complete these things independently, including taking care of themselves, including their own decision to do some things, you did not give him this opportunity, then you are hindering his growth, his growth instinct will feel very disgusted with this thing.
You seem to be helping him on the surface, but in fact you are hindering his growth, and of course he feels very uncomfortable. This kind of comfort is not that he can explain it in words, but this discomfort exists in his deep subconscious, and the child can't say why, so of course he won't be grateful to you, and even resent you, so he shows a particularly big temper. At the same time, because he felt that he did not even get the opportunity to grow.
So what do you mean by a person's existence?
At this stage of adolescence, its greatest significance is growth.
If the most basic requirement of growing up is not met, do you think he will feel bored living? So this is the result of my analysis for you, so I suggest that you give your child more opportunities for independent decision-making and give him some room to grow on his own.
The second question is this,
My child is in the second year of junior high school, now the child has very little effective communication with us, we especially want to take him to participate in healthy and beneficial activities, have been rejected, addicted to the Internet every day, playing late every day, the teacher said that he was completely out of the state in class, homework procrastination, please ask for his situation, I also want to do unconditional acceptance?
Of course, we don't accept this way of children, but you have to think clearly about what you don't accept and what you plan to do.
What you don't accept is the child's apparent behavior of not learning and not writing homework seriously, or whether you do not accept his heart that does not want to learn.
If you just don't accept his superficial behavior, then you force him to make a learning appearance, then don't you accept it?
But if you don't accept his unlearning heart, you can't achieve your wishes by coercion, because no one can force someone else's heart.
This problem is not caused today, so you can't solve it all at once. Like I said earlier, after you fertilize, wait until the leaf turns green, in fact it takes a stage. So what we need to do now is to go inside the child. So how do you get in?
Let me give you an example.
The other day I bought two sets of pajamas, one for the big heart and one for totoro. Because my child loves these cartoon characters, I wear this style of pajamas, then he prefers to play with me. Does your child have a favorite cartoon character or any other hobby?
You also don't have to be rigid with my method, saying that you must buy a style of pajamas, I just hope that you can understand your children's interests and hobbies in more detail, and you also pay attention to these hobbies, understand these hobbies, and you do not show that I am doing this in order to get close to the child, but really like and understand.
In fact, if you start from the child's interests and hobbies, you will find a lot of meaningful and valuable things, but we have not yet understood, we feel that you look at those things are useless, are not good.
This is our attitude towards our child, that is, to look at him with colored glasses, which is why this result is led.
If the child finds that you have such a change, he will feel that my mother has the same hobbies as me? He may have more common language with you because he thinks you love to eat his favorite dishes, which means that the two of you have the same taste, at least you have resonance in this matter, so that the distance between the heart and the heart will be closer.
Of course, this is only the first step, after entering his heart, at this time you lead him to have some other interests, he may be willing to come out with you, he will not just bury himself in that online game.
Guiding children's hobbies is the same as recommending stocks, if you have recommended hobbies to him before, the results turn out to be his favorite, you recommend him again, he will like, you previously recommended are all down and down, and then you suddenly recommend stocks to him now, do you think he will believe you?
So you have to discover what he likes first, you first expand on this basis, and then you recommend meaningful to him, and then he may come out with you.
And you also have to do the homework of this meaningful thing very well, you must cherish his trust in you every time, you not only take him to know more, meaningful, play things, but also let him know more about the society, the specific things in life, so that he is more mature, more aware of what kind of conditions are needed for the survival of this society.
But in this process, you should not act too purposeful, once there is a purpose, he will be disgusted, you should pay attention to his reaction, adapt to the situation, do not rush to express this attitude of persuading him to learn.
If you want to change his attitude towards learning, the first reaction he may make is to reject you, and everything you have done before you has been abandoned.
So this matter should still be taken slowly, and it must be analyzed specifically, because every child is different, and your method is suitable for a child and not for a child. The so-called Tao is the Tao, the extraordinary Tao.
Now to the third parental question,
The child is a high school, usually at home after school, that is, playing games, watching anime and has been playing, and now he is very anxious, he said that he does not want to learn, do you want to force control his time to play the computer? Forcibly controlling him and thinking that we manage too much, we will not be willing to learn, I really don't know what to do,
As you said, forcing him may not want to learn more, I give you a suggestion, you can do this, watch him play the game, you don't get angry, but you say, Mom sees you playing games, not learning, Mom is a little worried, you just say how you feel, don't have any demands and demands.
Then you quit at this time, and then in twenty minutes, half an hour, you prepare something that he likes to eat or fruit, and then open his door, and if you see him studying, you can say Oh you are still studying, then I will not bother you first and then you come out.
If you see him still playing a game, you tell him: Tired, do you want to come out and eat some fruit?
At this time, you don't mention the game, but you interrupt him, in fact, when you express your feelings in the first step, it makes him feel ashamed inside.
The second step is that you interrupt his game because he is already a little ashamed inside, and if you interrupt him, he usually doesn't reject him too much.
Usually, if we ask a child to put down his mobile phone and go straight to school, it is a very difficult thing.
Because it takes willpower to let go of mobile games and it takes willpower to go to learning, it's hard for you to put together two things that require a lot of willpower.
But you interrupt one thing, this is really easier, just that it requires a willpower, and it is still a good food to replace this game, so it is relatively much easier. Once he comes out of the game, he's in a much better shape.
If he's in a good mood when he eats fruit, you can talk to him and tell him about your inner feelings.
You say: I am very worried about your studies now, but my mother knows that you have grown up, and there is no way for my mother to force you to change?
In fact, my mother also knows that you yourself want to do this thing well, but I don't know what to do to help you, do you think I need to do something now?
You ask him like this, and after you throw the question at him, he begins to be the master of the matter, and he begins to think about it.
In other ways, you should also let him know the reality of society, such as your income, the price of buying a house, let him know how difficult this pressure to survive is, have the opportunity to accompany him to do some public welfare, and these processes must behave very naturally, do not let the child feel that you let him know that these are very purposeful.
Of course, these are all need a process to achieve the effect, this can only be a certain degree of change in his attitude, the final effect can not be 100% satisfied, this is really difficult to say.
Regarding the mobile game thing, it is really not the last child to solve, there will be a group of children affected by mobile games, and it is a great impact. Because mobile games are such a thing that suddenly pops up in the process of human development, human beings are not ready to be immune to it.
Because we human beings are curious about all interesting things and new things, this is instinctive, because most of these natural things have always existed, so our ancestors basically knew what was good for us and what was harmful to us after understanding these things.
But the mobile phone suddenly popped out, so we humans do not have a solid understanding of this thing. So if when the child's mind is immature, you accidentally let him indulge in the mobile phone, there is really no guarantee that all children will solve it one hundred percent.
I will continue to mention the problem of this mobile game in future articles, and systematically tell you what you think, learn, hear and the methods you have tried in practice, and welcome parents to share the good methods you think of in practice.