Illuminate yourself, illuminate others, and the education of love is the future
Recently, a topic on Weibo # Will frustration education ruin children# has aroused heated discussion among netizens.
There are many parents who don't care to say that today's children have suffered too few setbacks from childhood, which is why they are so fragile and do not have a little ability to resist setbacks.
So I recognize that it is time to artificially create some setbacks for the child.
But in fact, there is no shortage of setbacks in our lives.
01 There is no shortage of setbacks in life, there is no need to be deliberate
Nine times out of ten things are not satisfactory in life, setbacks will not be less.
For the child, all the things he wants to do but can't do, no matter how big or small, are actually the setbacks he has to face in life.
Newborn children, can not turn over can not sit, to a little try, slowly master the ability, in fact, the child in the face of setbacks, challenge themselves in the process.
Later, eating, dressing, walking, to studying, getting along with friends, which one is not a hurdle on the road of life?
So there is no shortage of setbacks in life.
As parents, when the child is young, because we predict that the child's ability is not enough, such as eating will be everywhere, in fact, we ourselves refuse to let the child face setbacks.
After the "double subtraction", a first-grade mother, after listening to the homework of the teacher who let the child do more housework, went home and immediately announced that today's bowl child had come to wash.
Because I have not done it before, the child itself has fear and rejection, and when washing the dishes, it is not accidental to break the bowl.
Mom rushed over and scolded, saying that you can't do anything, or come over.
But as Adler said, children who have not learned to face difficulties will eventually escape all difficulties.
But ability is not something that comes naturally with children growing up.
In fact, for children, there is no shortage of setbacks in his life, so there is no need to deliberately create them.
In contrast, for small children, as long as there is no safety hazard, it is more difficult for parents not to deliberately prevent children from trying.
02 Parents are the bottom line, not the source of frustration
Teacher Dada analyzed a question in the "Family Education Co-reading Society", what kind of children will encounter more setbacks? It is those children who have no sense of value and belonging in their hearts. Because they are not confident, they do not have courage.
Just like the kid above who broke the dishes the first time he washed them. Because parents interfered a lot when they were young, they themselves were incapable and fearful of difficulties.
At this time, the mother not only did not do guidance, but also denied his attempt, if you say more, it may make the child feel that he is not good.
For children, this is no longer a setback, but a criticism. This will only stimulate the child's rebellious psychology, so that the child is even less fond of housework.
It is more likely to form that it is best not to do things that you do not do well, otherwise you will suffer criticism from your parents, so you dare not face the mentality of setbacks.
At the book club, a mother shared her own example, the child used to be particularly afraid of grades. Because no matter whether the test is good or bad, it will always be nagged by them.
If he does well, he will be warned that this time is only temporary, and he will work harder next time.
If the test is not good, it will be even more miserable, and it will definitely pick up the wrong score, interrogate him one by one, and force him to copy the wrong question many times.
After learning the skills of the course, the mother decided to start with respect for the child, try not to take the grades so seriously, and look at the child from the positive side.
So the last time the child's grades came down, the test was not very good, I did not expect that the mother not only did not nag him as before, but also hugged him and said, it doesn't matter, the mother is very happy, and there is a chance to help you grow, otherwise you are so good every time, I don't know how to help you.
In fact, this is a good acceptance, and when parents accept the child itself, see the real child, no emotion, with respect for the result, and sincerely want to help the child's purpose, the child can more easily accept the mistake and accept himself.
After a few more times, the child himself is not as nervous about the results as before. Once after the results came down, I was so happy to say to my mother, Mom, you see, I am 10 points behind, you come to help me see what is going on. The two happily corrected their mistakes.
In fact, parents are the child's confidence in the face of setbacks, the more you accept your children, the easier it is for children to accept themselves.
Acceptance is the beginning of change.
When children learn not to compete with mistakes and not to confront their parents, parents can really help their children.
03 Give a sense of security and give a sense of value
In fact, let children learn to face setbacks, not only learn to challenge setbacks, but more importantly, let children believe that even in the face of setbacks, they are still capable, still valuable, and still recognize themselves.
How can you help your child face setbacks? Here are 3 points:
Give unconditional love
In the process of children growing up, because of the influence of the social environment, in fact, as parents, it is inevitable that they will have higher and higher expectations for their children. But we should always remember the original intention of our first love for our children.
We do not love the child because of the external conditions of good grades, politeness, and piano skills, but simply because he is his own child, and his existence itself is the greatest value to the parents.
Therefore, especially when the child makes a mistake, it is actually very important to hug him more, express the unconditional love of the parents, and establish an emotional link with the child, which is actually the premise of parent-child communication.
Let go and trust your child
Like the example above, many times, parents are worried or anticipate the next trouble, so they actually refuse to let their children try.
Therefore, rather than frustration, the mentality of parents who dare to let go is actually very important. And the parents' letting go is actually the greatest trust and support for their children.
Third, help the child moderately
In "The Courage to Be Hated", a state of parent-child relationship is mentioned: guardianship.
In this state, the parents do not ignore the child, but on the premise of giving the child full freedom, tell the child that if he needs it, the parents are always there. This is actually trust and unconditional love.
In this case, whether the child will ask you for help when it is difficult, and whether it will trust you after asking for help, in fact, it is a test of the direct contact between parents and children.
Fourth, give children the opportunity to face difficulties
For example, social activities, such as various competitions, such as encouraging participation in hobbies that require long-term training.
Life is not short of setbacks, as parents, we are not so much a discipline, deliberately to create difficulties for children, but to be a guardian seriously, to accompany children to grow.
Part of the original content comes from the sharing of Teacher Dada's "Family Education Reading Club", which is now being recruited...
Welcome to pay attention, and join me in paying attention to family education to help children grow...