Illuminate yourself, illuminate others, and the education of love is the future
The most distressing child in "Little Min's House" is probably Jin Jiajun...
Parents divorced when he was 6 years old. Liu Xiaomin, the mother played by Zhou Xun, is unable to raise him, walks alone in Beijing, and rarely comes home to see him in 10 years.
Dad is also a idle, unprofessional person, and constantly accuses his mother Xiaomin in front of him.
Father Jin Bo even made a decision to hide his son's ID card on the eve of Jin Jiajun's college entrance examination to let his son work to pay off his father's debts.
In such a growth environment, Jin Jiajun is very sensible in the eyes of outsiders, but he seems to be somewhat inaccessible and indifferent, in fact, he is hiding his inner sensitivity and inferiority.
It can be seen that in families where parents are absent, children are really hurt, but today we want to talk about a more common phenomenon.
That is, for parents of ordinary families, will they necessarily cultivate courageous children, and how can they cultivate their children's courage to avoid letting children fall into sensitivity and inferiority?
01 What is courage
In fact, courage is not recklessness, but confidence in daring to challenge after fully understanding oneself.
And many times people with courage and people without courage will take on a completely different state in life.
In life, we will all meet such people, for a thing that is difficult in itself, some people will definitely show fear and feel that they can't do it.
There is a saying in psychology called "self-proof prophecy", in fact, people will always prove themselves right.
So once you have the mentality of "I can't do it, I can't", when facing the difficulties in the challenge, these people will unconsciously tell themselves, "Look, I said I can't do it, I really can't do it."
But in the same situation, there must be people who think that they can from the bottom of their hearts, perhaps the two have similar abilities and opportunities at the beginning, but the former's road will become wider and wider, and it will be less likely to give up in the face of difficulties.
So what does the courage to face things have to do with childhood experiences?
02 Children without courage, what they have experienced
Teacher Dada shared a case in the "Family Education Reading Club":
After the final results came down, the child scored 98 points, and he was particularly happy.
But I didn't expect that after giving the test paper to my mother, my mother not only did not praise, but also stared at the wrong place and asked the child, "Why is it two points worse, is these two points so difficult?" You work a little harder, look at the questions a little more carefully, you can't get in, you see the xiaohai next door every time the test is 100...", the mother may not finish speaking, the child can not laugh out.
Perhaps in the eyes of the parents themselves, what they are saying is the truth, and the purpose is also for the children to study harder, and they cannot be proud and complacent because of a good test.
But in fact, for the child, he will feel very powerless, will feel that he will never meet the standards of his parents, and then may lose the courage to face difficulties.
In the child's growth process, in fact, there are many such moments.
As parents, we are really anxious for our children, especially at the critical moments of the primary school entrance examination and the middle and high school entrance examinations, we always want to give the best to the children, this kind of anxiety, in the eyes of the child, may be a goal that she cannot achieve.
This reminds me of the tragedy of a 14-year-old girl this year.
"The perfect daughter in your heart is too good for me to reach. And in your eyes, the beautiful primary school, the relaxed preparation, the happy junior high school, and the top 20 results, I am desperate to resist."
"Once in a lifetime, I am honored to meet you, if there is an afterlife, we will not meet again..." , can you think of this is the last words of a 14-year-old girl before leaving this world.
At that time, how desperate she should have been.
Seeing such a tragedy, some people may say, "Today's children are really vulnerable, our time..."
But in fact, as bystanders, we can only see the results at most, and more importantly, you don't know how long the child has endured in this state.
We were not vulnerable in that era, but I have to admit that I did not face the pressure of children at that time.
As Teacher Dada said: If parents only see the child's deficiencies for a long time, and do not help the child find the positive value of things, in fact, it will make the child more and more convinced that he is not good.
And I can't, is the biggest spell on the road to success. Under such pressure, children will naturally think that they are "not okay" and inferior to others.
And a child without self-worth, when faced with difficulties in life, he will only want to escape, not to challenge.
Therefore, the parents' verbal suppression, scolding, neglect of the child's feelings, and only look at the results but ignore the child's efforts are actually a kind of "love hurt" for the child.
And the child who does not have the courage is actually a child who has suffered from these for a long time, and in the disapproval of his parents, he will only think more and more that he is not good, cannot, he is not worthy, and he has no value.
03 How to help children find courage
In Mr. Dada's "Family Education Reading Club", there are several methods that if we can practice them as parents, we will actually slowly let children find the courage to face difficulties.
First, speak well
At the very least, don't hurt, don't insult and make personal attacks. For example, there are bribes, intimidation, sarcasm, casual promises, and so on.
Second, respect and equality are the basis of communication
If the child feels that he will never be able to meet the requirements of his parents, then we can discuss this goal together.
Many times when we can really calm down and listen carefully to the child, many questions, in fact, the child can find the answer by himself. What parents have to do is actually to provide advice from the perspective of the person who has come over.
In the end, children will learn to judge on their own, make their own decisions, choose for themselves, and also take responsibility for themselves. This is actually a process that allows him to gradually build up his courage.
Third, help your child to like yourself
Especially in the face of failures and setbacks, such as when he has taken the test, this time is not the time to scold, but to support the child, hug him, and help him get through the difficulties together.
In fact, when the results have appeared, what we do is actually useless.
Therefore, in the process of learning, we are strict, but after the results come out, we should actually reflect our tolerance, wisdom, and unconditional love for our children.
This process is also when we help him establish a correct and objective self-evaluation, which is actually more important for the future than a matter of achievement.