Recently, in Zhoukou, Henan, 22-year-old Ms. Zhu returned to the village and was arranged by her family to go on blind dates more than 20 times in a day. Ms. Zhu said that girls of the same age in the village are basically married, and the family is more anxious to arrange it, but it feels a little bit more, and they are all eye-catching. At the same time, in Putian, Fujian Province, Ms. Lin's mother arranged a blind date corner for her at home, and the ceremony was full of sense. Ms. Lin said that the local custom is to start a blind date at the age of 20, she is 22 years old, her mother is more anxious, specially cleaned up a room on the second floor, and also put a table and chairs and a bouquet of flowers. Ms. Lin said that she began to go on a blind date a few days ago, has been dating 5, and has not yet been matched, and will continue to be blind dated.
Ms. Lin's mother in Putian, Fujian Province, arranged a blind date corner at home. Screenshots of the network
Near the Spring Festival, many young people working in other places returned home to prepare for the New Year, but they were urged to marry by their parents. By arranging blind dates and other ways, it reflects the anxiety of parents about their children's marriage and love. So, how can parents alleviate their anxiety about their children's marriage and love? In the face of their parents' tricks to urge marriage and arrange blind dates, what should young people do? The reporter of China Youth Network interviewed Liu Xiyi, a full-time teacher at the Mental Health Education Center of Guangxi Normal University and a national second-level psychological counselor, to support young people and parents from the perspective of psychology.
Liu Xiyi, a full-time teacher at the Mental Health Education Center of Guangxi Normal University and a national second-level psychological counselor. Courtesy of respondents
What are the reasons why parents are urging marriage and arranging blind dates?
Liu Xiyi believes that the reason why parents will urge their children to get married by arranging blind dates and other ways is that there are many layers.
First of all, it comes from the parents' sense of omnipotence and concern about their children's ability to take care of themselves. As parents grow older, they are worried that they cannot take care of and help their children as before, and hope that someone can take care of their children for themselves, so that their children's future lives will be secure and dependent, and then the behavior of marriage will be promoted.
Second, it stems from self-doubt that arises in social comparisons. On the road of life, birth, further education, marriage, and children seem to be a barrier, waiting for their children to pass the customs. When young people of the same age around them are married or even have children, but their children are not married, through comparison, they will also produce the behavior of urging marriage and arranging blind dates.
Third, it comes from the pursuit of "social". The children of the surrounding peers have been married and child-bearing, and their children are still unmarried, at this time they appear to be different from their peers and have become the object of curiosity and attention of the group. Such "differences" make themselves "conspicuous" in the group, becoming a presence in the group that is particularly concerned. "It's like being named by a teacher as a child to answer a question. At this time, you will feel the anxiety from the attention of the group, which will produce the behavior of marriage urging, hoping to maintain consistency with the group. ”
Finally, children fail to communicate frankly with their parents on the issue of marriage and love and reach a consensus. Urging marriage and arranging blind dates are certainly the behavior of parents, but the behavior is an externalized manifestation after mutual influence. Some children are busy with work outside the home for many years, accept the influence of independent thoughts, and even have a "fear of marriage" and "fear of parenting" due to certain experiences. When parents ask about marriage and love, they think that their parents' concepts are old, they cannot understand themselves, they adopt an avoidant and perfunctory attitude, and they fail to communicate frankly with their parents on marriage and love issues.
How can parents alleviate their marital anxiety about their children?
"Exam anxiety, work anxiety, love anxiety, premarital anxiety, pregnancy anxiety, 'anxiety' seems to have become a common emotion for many people." So, how can parents alleviate their anxiety about their children's marriage and love? Liu Xiyi suggested that you can try from the following aspects.
The first is to let go of the sense of omnipotence, believe in yourself, and believe in your children. Let go of the heart that parents can't finish, believe that their decades of cultivation and education have exercised their children's ability to live independently, and also believe that their children have a pair of eyes that know people and recognize people, can find a partner who is compatible with their own feelings, and can support each other and help each other in future life, and face the difficulties in life hand in hand.
The second is to correct the mentality and enrich life. Refuse to "roll inside" when discussing children's marriage and love with peers, and correct your mentality. It is not that marriage must be happy long ago, nor is it necessarily unfortunate to get married late, nor is it that it is not a bad life without marriage. What parents have to do is to become a strong backing for their children, give their children full support, do not transmit anxiety to their children, and even take the initiative to resolve anxiety when their children are anxious. At the same time, enrich your life, take the focus away from your children, and pay more attention to yourself. There are many new and interesting experiences waiting for us in the world, and the encounter with children is only a special part of many experiences, and should not be the focus of the spotlight.
In the face of parents' tricks to urge marriage and arrange blind dates, what should young people do?
Liu Xiyi suggested that young people can take two measures in the face of their parents' tricks to urge marriage and arrange blind dates.
First of all, spend more time with your parents and listen to their voices. There may be various reasons behind the same behavior of urging marriage and arranging blind dates, and the original intentions of parents may not be the same. Young people need to cherish the time spent with their parents, spend more time listening to their parents' voices, understanding the reasons behind their urging marriage and arranging blind dates, understanding the stories behind their behaviors, entering the hearts of their parents, and sticking close to them. "When anxiety is shared, there is only half anxiety left; when happiness is shared, it becomes double happiness."
Second, communicate openly with your parents and tell them about their marriage plans. Whether it is busy with work, facing a promotion, no time to take care of marriage, or "fear of marriage" and "fear of childbearing", or intend to become a dashing and free single, if you can have a frank communication with your parents, let them understand their plans and plans, and tell the reasons, let their parents know themselves, you can also talk more about what you see and hear in your life, dispel their worries about their future life, and may be able to get the understanding and support of their parents.
Transferred from | Qingxiao
Source: Youth Observer